All Entries Tagged With: "water"
Army Corps Refuses Rain Water for Table Rock Lake
Branson, MO – The U.S. Army Corps of Engineers announced Friday that its agreements to run Table Rock Lake, including acceptance of rain water, was beyond the scope of the Corps’ authority. Tours of Table Rock Dam have been canceled, as have any natural collections of rain water, but all other recreation areas on the […]
State Park Debuts Pontoon Parasailing
Table Rock Lake, MO – Lake enthusiasts are now able to rent a pontoon boat and send daredevils into the sky via a parasail device connected to the back of the boat. State Park Marina began offering the combo package last weekend and interest in rentals has increased by 64%. “We see a lot of […]
Boils Advisory for Ozark, MO
Ozark, MO – A problem with the water has prompted a boils advisory for the City of Ozark. The City says the advisory affects residents who have skin, hair follicles or those who are prone to be near bacteria. According to the city’s website, the advisory is in place to slow the boils spread […]
Nixa’s Non-chlorinated Water Totally Safe, Sudden Outbreak of Super Heroes/Villains a Total Coincidences
Nixa, MO- A new study shows that Nixa’s drinking water is totally safe even without any disinfections to purify the water. The 75,000 dollar study shows that even though Nixa has a very large water system, its water is totally safe to drink. On a totally unrelated note, a variety of super heroes and foes […]
City Builds Fountain to Water Conservation
Springfield, MO – With precious water reserves plummeting, City officials have agreed to build a fountain which will remind citizens of the importance of water conservation. The fountain will be a symbol of preservation. “We’ll pump 80-thousand gallons of water through the fountain each hour to remind citizens that water conservation should be taken seriously,” […]
DRURY BUYS MSU’S EXCESS WATER
Springfield MO.- Drury University announced today that it will purchase water from Missouri State University for 30 years at a price of 12 million dollars per year. Apparently MSU can afford to sell off its excess water since filtered water stations have sprung up all over campus. Water researchers have indicated that more of […]
Giant Water Tower Terrorizes City!
Springfield, MO – The giant water tower on North Glenstone began moving late yesterday morning; the giant legs began to shift and the structure stumbled down the street crushing property in its path. Witnesses said the tower began to moan and wail before making an abrupt exit from its long-time position on the East […]
Naked Man Taunts Gods of Rain, Flood Waters
Springfield, MO—As thoughtless rains flooded the Ozarks on Monday one man, Charles Naysmith climbed to the top of his roof held onto his ancient TV antennae and shouted, “You call this a storm?!” as a last ditch effort to mock the gods of flooding and constant rain. Naysmith was called away from work to […]
79 Spartans Vote to Victory!
Sparta, MO—Spartan voters approved issuing $2.5 million in bonds for improvements to the water and sewer system in Sparta this past week. The new water and sewer system will include a bottomless pit for sewer waste that shall remain uncovered and reside within the center of the city. Only scantily clad Spartan warriors will stand […]
New Fountain Erupts in Downtown Springfield
Springfield, MO—A refreshing addition to the downtown entertainment ambiance will be unveiled at the next First Friday Artwalk—the Fountains of Downtown. The Fountains of Downtown promises to mesmerize admirers with its amazing display of water, music and light thoughtfully interwoven into an astonishing display of art. Breathing new life into the downtown scene has been […]
SGF Rents Giant Shop Vac To Remove Water
Springfield, MO—After presenting two forms of identification and laying down a $50 deposit, The City of Springfield has rented a giant shop vac to remove rainwater from roads, bridges and basements. The 6000-gal. 2,300HP shop vac was deemed necessary following heavy rainfall on Wednesday, when 6 to 10.5 inches of rain covered the city causing […]
Hobo Fountains Open In JVP
Springfield, MO—Hobos around the country are rejoicing the opening of the Ozarks Stream and Fountain at Jordan Valley Park. Hundreds of vagabaughns are expected to take advantage of the free running water to cleanse themselves for the first time this year. “Baffs are good to have whens you gots fresh water running. The fountain is […]
Dam Engineers Skipping Rocks
Branson, MO— Excess water continues to roar through spillway gates at Table Rock Dam, creating a rare opportunity for engineers to blow off some steam by skipping rocks off the vast overflow going through the dam gates. “I tossed one stone into the top of the gate and it hopped 4 times before splashing down […]
Showboat Branson Belle Held Ransom By Pirates
Branson, MO—Pirates seized the Showboat Branson Belle on Monday evening. The bold hijacking has heightened fears about the surging piracy and low-seas terrorism on Table Rock Lake. Captain Shad Owing the IV was tossed off the back of the ship onto the paddlewheel when the vessel left the pier under pirate control. “How could they […]
