All Entries Tagged With: "United States"
Lake of the Ozarks Promise “Teenage Massacre Free” Lake Fun
Lake of the Ozarks- With warmer weather and freedom from school beckoning teenagers to engage in dangerous and promiscuous activities, Lake of the Ozarks is promising a summer free from teenage slaughter. The Tourism Board is offering various activities such as: SeaDo rentals, nature hikes, and not being stabbed or eaten by anything. Many are […]
“You’re Gonna Like The Way I Cook” – Men’s Wearhouse Guy
Springfield, MO – Several diners around town identified the Men’s Wearhouse Guy having dinner around town this week, trying to impress people with his various ways of saying “You’re gonna like the way I…” to many people. “I was eating dinner at Metro and this grey-bearded man walked up to me and said ‘You’re gonna […]
Fugitive Ruins Recess for Hundreds of Nixa Students
Nixa, MO – Earlier this week, known and wanted fugitive, Matthew Allen was spotted strolling in Nixa, forcing 3 local schools to be placed on lock-down preventing afternoon recess to take place. Students at Mathews Elementary, Espy Elementary and Nixa High School were upset and confused by the decision. “I was s’pose to swing with […]
Precocious Kids Save DARE Program Through “Baked” Sale
Polk County, MO- Due to budget cuts the anti-drug DARE program seemed to be doomed, but thanks to local kids, the program may have new life. Students from all over the Polk County area lent a helping hand to the program by selling numerous baked goods with a special ingredient. “Love,” said 10 year old […]
Prom King Refuses To Give Up Crown
Springfield, MO- Hilldale High School is on the verge of political unrest and social upheaval with Rex Kingston, last year’s prom king, refusing to give up the crown to one of the 4 court candidates. With the King of Prom succession being a yearly rite, the act of refusing to yield the crown means trouble […]
Huge Freaking Cardinals Invade Springfield
Springfield, MO – Swarms of red-feathered beasts flocked into the Ozarks Monday evening, and collected at Hammons Field near downtown Springfield. “The big cards are here!” screamed Joey Huffington, an 8th grader who screeched his terrifying message while running hysterically from a nearby parking garage. According to sources, the large, flight-enabled monsters regularly appear around […]
Silver Dollar City’s World-Fest Block North Korea and Iran Events
Branson, Missouri- With World Fest just weeks away Silver Dollar City is getting ready for the huge festival celebrating multi-culturism. But, officials of the festival have some limits to embracing other cultures, especially when it comes to Iran and North Korea. “Don’t get us wrong, we want to welcome all cultures. But, there are some […]
Sunday School Teacher Sentenced to Life in Hell
Mountain Grove, MO – Douglas County douchebag Brent “Pete” Turley was sentenced to life in Hell by Jesus the Son of Man for his explicit acts upon minors. According to angels, Turley will be required to live eternity in Hell lifting engine blocks tied to his reproductive organ. An especially heinous crime requires an equally […]
Meat Locker Yoga Classes Begin in Ozarks
Springfield, MO – Yoga aficionados across the globe are looking to Southwest Missouri for a new form of inspirational stretching while being subjected to cold, freezing conditions known as Frozen Yoga. “I’ve never seen anything like it, very inspiring,” said highly respected yoga master B.K.S. Iyengar from his home in India. “Frozen Yoga is a […]
Beer Tank Swim at Brew Co!
Springfield, MO – To celebrate beer, the Springfield Brewing Company is selling raffle tickets for a 15-minute swim in their beer tanks this week. The tickets are prices at $40 and all proceeds go toward the “Help a White Man Dance” foundation. Participants are excited at the opportunity to actually swim in beer. “Hellz yez, […]
Hackers Disappointed with Stolen Identities
Springfield, MO – After a recent website attack on springfieldmo.gov, hackers associated with the group “Anonymous” were disappointed to learn that they had stolen personal identification of regular citizens who live regular lives. A spokesperson for “Anonymous” known as Hugh Dunnowmie said, “We were hoping to find personal information on Brad Pitt, Bob Barker or […]
Extremely Slow Car Chase in our City
Springfield, MO – A fleeing perp in a Chevy Dolt led a mad car chase at speeds up to 45 mph through the streets in our fair city yesterday, while veteran traffic Officer Joe Krupke adroitly followed in his government issued Dolt. The chase ended abruptly when the speeding dolt’s battery went dead. Officer Krupke […]
Horse Meat Processing Plant To Offer Horse-Head Delivery for Mobsters
Mountain Grove, MO- Not only will the new Horse Meat Processing plant give Ozarkians the chance to eat delicious horse meat (with 3 different cuts of horse steak: Sea Biscuit, Secretariat, and War Horse), but give an exciting opportunity to ease the minds of local mobsters. With the plant’s streamlined “horse head” delivery system, mobsters […]
New Madrid Fault Is A Real Prima Donna
Springfield, MO – The New Madrid fault flexed its muscles yesterday just to show people that it still exists. “Yeah I tossed a 4.0 on they badselves just because I can,” said the fault, “boo-yah humans!” Reports indicate that the New Madrid fault line experiences far less publication than other more popular fault lines in […]
Man, Not Dancer Stabs Man in Back at Gentleman’s Club
Springfield, MO – Men are accustomed to being stabbed in the back by women at gentlemen’s clubs, however, this past weekend a man actually stabbed another man in the back for a change at Centerfold. Both patrons and employees of the club expressed disbelief that the age-old stereotype has been turned around. “I am used […]
