All Entries Tagged With: "The Ozarks"
Kraft Stank Cologne Offered in the Ozarks
Springfield, MO—The smelly, nasty cheese stank that rolls out of the Kraft plant on Glenstone Avenue will soon be available as a fragrance for people who wish to spray themselves with memories of the Ozarks. The new bottled scent called “Eau de Cheese” goes on sale at local gas stations next month. Made of […]
Local Man Has Had It
Springfield, MO – Local zookeeper Adam Wilkins has just about had it, he reported late yesterday. Apparently the pecking order of employees comes at a cost that Mr. Wilkins is no longer prepared to tolerate. “For 11 long years, I’ve lovingly maintained the reptile house, risking my life on several occasions in order to feed […]
Bijan’s Closing = Heartache, End to Pronunciation Debate
Springfield, MO—A Facebook post, tweet, e-mail news release, sky writing, and drunk-text from 417 Magazine confirmed late today that local eatery Bijan’s is closed for good. Local eater of food Shantal Johnson told us, through tears of shock, “I never actually ate there, but my boyfriend and I loved arguing over whether it was “Bee-Janns” […]
Tiny Circuses Pop Up Around Town
Springfield, MO—A curious amount of small multi-colored tents have popped up around the Ozarks prompting much anticipation among citizens for the arrival of travelling companies filled with performers such as acrobats, clowns, trained animals, trapeze acts, musicians, hoopers, tightrope walkers, jugglers, unicyclists and other stunt-oriented artists. “I can’t wait to see these little circuses. Or […]
Fugitive Escapes, Trims Hedges
Branson, MO—Oscar Eugene Richardson, known in the Ozarks as Eugene Ward, was sentenced Monday to 366 days in jail stemming from his 1979 Florida prison escape. On Tuesday, he promptly escaped by walking away from the Taney County jail. Norman Hankey, a jailer, said, “I don’t know how he does it. First in Florida; now […]
Evangel Guards Go Beyond God’s Armor
Springfield, MO— Evangel is the first university in the Ozarks to add lethal weaponry to their arsenal of first line defenders. For years the university had relied upon pieces of God’s Armor for protection, however, now the security officers are allowed to pack man-made heat. The University first bestowed crime-fighting technology upon its protection force […]
Predator World Adds the “Predator”
Branson West, MO—Predator World owners plan to reopen the facility with one new attraction in January. The new attraction will feature an unknown extraterrestrial species, referred only to as the Predator. “What we do know is that the new attraction is a large, sapient and sentient humanoid creature who may or may not possess advanced […]
Corbett Lawfirm Responsible for Pencil Property Damage
Springfield, MO— The phrase “Ah sir, they’ve hired Corbett Lawfirm” has been responsible for pencil breaks across the Ozarks. Initially thought to indicate that the case will be a snap to win against Corbett Lawfirm, sources close to the firm maintain that anger, fear, frustration and uncertainty are the human emotions tapped by the magical […]
Bailiff Busted: Removes Self From Courtroom
Bentonville, AR—Three-and-a-half months since her first arrest, a county bailiff was taken into custody again on Sunday effectively removing her from her former position within the court system. Reportedly, 35-year-old Roz Russell was driving recklessly at around 3:00 a.m. She was pulled over a by a deputy and then refused to submit to an intoxication […]
Ozarks Emperor Very Much Pleased with His Fair
Springfield, MO- Grand Emperor of the Ozarks, Jo Bob Billius, was very much pleased with the glorious fair placed in his honor. Jo Bob traveled down from his majestic mountain fortress of Moon-Shan’gri-La and was greeted by his numerous subjects. Riding a “mule” (a mythical and wondrous beast combining a donkey and a horse) the […]
