All Entries Tagged With: "Springfield Missouri"
Dragon Attacks Chesterfield Village
Springfield, MO—Chesterfield Village was burnt asunder yesterday when a fire-breathing dragon attacked the peaceful hamlet. The village, resting on the banks of the River of James, contains numerous shops and pubs that were mostly destroyed. The attack was mid-morning while most serfs and peasants where starting their day. Frendrel Axsword, a paladin champion that protects […]
Bijan’s Closing = Heartache, End to Pronunciation Debate
Springfield, MO—A Facebook post, tweet, e-mail news release, sky writing, and drunk-text from 417 Magazine confirmed late today that local eatery Bijan’s is closed for good. Local eater of food Shantal Johnson told us, through tears of shock, “I never actually ate there, but my boyfriend and I loved arguing over whether it was “Bee-Janns” […]
Lady Gaga To Headline Annual I Love America Celebration
Springfield, MO – James River Assembly stunned local church watchers today announcing Lady Gaga as the headliner for next years’ I Love America annual celebration. A volunteer spokesperson for the Super-Center sized church said, “Lady Gaga was snatched from the jaws of drug addition by her dearly beloved dead Aunt Joanne and she has a […]
Smoking Ban Debated Thru Hole In Neck
Springfield, MO—Roger Thornsburry spoke eloquently through the hole in his neck last night at the Springfield City Council’s public’s opinion regarding the proposed Smoke-Free Air Ordinance. Thornsburry voiced his opinion thru his artificial larynx and pleaded with the nine council members to not “take away my freedoms”. Thornsburry was joined by several hundred other smoking […]
Raw Emotion Contained By Cubicle
Springfield, MO—Randy Hulstalk* successfully contained his raw emotion for the US National soccer team within his cubicle Wednesday. During the USA v. Algeria FIFA World Cup game, Hulstalk secretly streamed the match on his computer monitor, a major violation of company office policies. He successfully stifled his screams, shouting and even pumped his arms in […]
Auto Magic Turns Subaru into Mercedes
Springfield, MO—A car wash customer has witnessed a modern-day miracle at a local wash-rinse-and-go business. Luell Johnagain drove his 1989 Subaru GL AWD Turbo Wagon and drove off with a Mercedes V10 Quad Turbo with a body made of white gold. All who witnessed the automotive magic were stunned and left in utter disbelief. According […]
Tiny Circuses Pop Up Around Town
Springfield, MO—A curious amount of small multi-colored tents have popped up around the Ozarks prompting much anticipation among citizens for the arrival of travelling companies filled with performers such as acrobats, clowns, trained animals, trapeze acts, musicians, hoopers, tightrope walkers, jugglers, unicyclists and other stunt-oriented artists. “I can’t wait to see these little circuses. Or […]
Local Men Claim “Worlds Best Dad” Title
Springfield, Mo- Adding to an already intense holiday weekend, there appears to be a close contest for the title of “Best Dad”. Three local Ozarks men appear to be in a heated head-to-head battle for the coveted title. Each was awarded the title when they received as gifts from their children a mug/t-shirt combo with […]
Devil Scorpion Turn Ahead
Springfield, MO—Tuesday a motorist encountered a strange street sign and became confused as to the signs intentions. Jill Montery said, “It looked like there was a strange devil scorpion warning sign. I just did a quick u-turn and avoided the street altogether. I don’t like those nasty tailed lizards.” Others have found the sign to […]
Weatherman Steals Sportscaster’s Thunder
Springfield, MO—Amid threats of severe weather in the Ozarks, one local sportscaster once again lost airtime to boring weather updates. A stupid severe thunderstorm watch drained a local sportscaster of precious minutes to cover life changing events such as an almost perfect baseball game, the retirement of an aging baseball player and an update on […]
Classic Car Owners Wave All Weekend
Springfield, MO—Drivers of classic cars spent a good deal of time this past weekend driving around town waving to each other. The friendly sign of acknowledgement was displayed whenever one driver of a historic vehicle crossed paths with another driver of a restored antiquated mode of transportation. The preferences for cars from a bygone era […]
Body Hair Competition This Weekend
Springfield, MO—The first ever Body Hair Competition will be held at Patton Alley Pub immediately after the first ever Springfield Beard and Moustache Competition at 6:30 pm, here in the Ozarks. The Body Hair Competition was created for contestants who are not equipped with enough facial hair to compete in the headlining event. Body Hair […]
New Ziggie’s Opens in Basement
Springfield, MO—According to sources, a new Ziggie’s restaurant has opened in the basement of Randolph Heckerson’s home at 2348 S. Tucker. The new location will feature the same trademark menu and atmosphere as existing restaurants currently in operation around the Ozarks. According to Heckerson he found the business after returning home from work as an […]
Rogue Trees Get Payback
Springfield, MO—During the month of April, local trees claimed to pay back Springfieldians with potential lifetime benefits, however, several trees on the Drury campus had another message for locals. “This tree hasn’t done anything for us lately” and “This tree was kind of a dick to us in high school” messaging was found hanging on […]
Local Man Offers City $3 For Vacant Lot
Springfield, MO – Floyd Harvill is making the City of Springfield an offer that he claims would be “irresponsible to refuse.” With the City recently taking back the much-hyped vacant lot after negotiations with local hotelier Johnny Q. Hammons failed, Harvill thought it was a good time to act. “Fortune favors the bold, and lightning […]
