All Entries Tagged With: "Springfield Missouri"
John Q de Hotelier Statue Announced
Branson, MO—New statue plans were announced today to honor James Quentin Hammons, the holiest of hoteliers. Known as an American businessman and one of the nation’s premier developers of upscale luxury hotels and resorts, “John Q”, has conveyed a message of representing the general public and progress in Springfield, Missouri and beyond. Overlooking Table Rock […]
Holy Spirit Guides Drunk Home on Christmas
Springfield, MO—Local business man George Humphrey claims the Holy Spirit guided him home after an hours long drinking binge this past Christmas. “It was a miracle that I made it the 30 miles home, I was slamming beers, ripping shots and poppin’ pills like Amy Winehouse. Fortunately, sweet Jesus took the wheel when I headed […]
Slim Pickin’ for Parking Spots
Springfield, MO—This holiday season Ozarkers are “pickin’ parking spots” aggressively. Employment of this new method of securing the perfect parking spot in crowded store lots includes use of abusive language, obscene gestures and if needed a common ice pick. Drivers have been seen patrolling lots for several minutes waiting for a prime parking location near […]
Secret Society Implements Symbol in Springfield Road Construction
Springfield, MO—Conspiracy theorists are claiming that the FreeDiamonds, an underground group in the Ozarks, is implementing a wicked secret symbol in the construction of diverging diamonds into everyday society. The existing and proposed locations of these traffic designs are said to form a satanic goat head with four existing points that represent fire, water, earth […]
Traffic Cones Outnumber Ozarks Population 3:1
Springfield, MO—Recent statistics show that for every Ozark inhabitant, three highway cones exist. The rise in traffic cone population is directly related to the numerous construction projects occurring around the area. Missouri Department of Transportation officials confirm that approximately 500,000 cones exist within Springfield city limits. Citizens are allowed to take the allotted cones once […]
Local High School Student Thinks Sarah Palin is “way cool.”
by Staciey Johnson On Wednesday, Sarah Palin is coming to town and I think that is, like, way cool. I mean, there is totally nothing to do in this town and it is so freaking boring! Like, since minors can’t get into freaking anywhere downtown, this is the only exciting thing a teen can go […]
Cashew Turkey Unveiled For Thanksgiving
Springfield, MO—This Thanksgiving several restaurants in the Ozarks will feature a new holiday treat, cashew turkey. This offering consists of a simple Chinese-American dish that combines breaded deep-fried turkey, cashews, and a thick gravy sauce. Side options include a cranberry dipping sauce or mashed potatoes. Several leading chefs, from bygone restaurants such as Leong’s Tea […]
OM_! Skepticon is This Weekend!
Springfield, MO— Local atheists are considering coming together for an annual gathering but are not sure to trust in what the flyers and event announcements have been propagating. If enough people believe that the event will actually take place, it could be the largest gathering of atheists in the Midwest right here in Springfield. The […]
Greenskeeper Wanted on Drug Charges
Springfield, MO—Carl Spackler, former greenskeeper at Bushwood Country Club is wanted in Greene County on a charge of possession of a controlled substance. He also has a misdemeanor warrant. Spackler, 44, is white, 6-foot-4, and 220 pounds, with brown hair and hazel eyes. Spackler may have short-cut hair, rather than the style shown in this […]
Loud Bang Caused By CU “Bang” Machine
Springfield, MO—A loud bang near Weaver and Golden was caused by City Utilities’ new “bang” machine. City Utilities maintains that the machine is operating properly and is in no way malfunctioning. “We purchased a 100 million dollar bang machine because our customers need to hear a spectacular noise from time to time. Who else is […]
Invisible Fence Sign on Visible Fence
Springfield, MO—A sign claiming fence invisibility is posted on a main thoroughfare in the Queen city yet to the naked eye the fence is clearly visible. Motorist traveling north on National street are exposed to this ironic advertisement every day and seek answers to this confusing signage. “The wood fence is surrounded by an invisible […]
Auto Magic To Hire Elves for Holidays
Springfield, MO—Local automatic car wash company Auto Magic plans to hire a new breed of employee for the holiday season and are reaching out to elves. Elves, a race of divine or semi-divine beings are endowed with magical powers, which they use for the benefit of mankind, said a company official. We feel that our […]
Black-Eyed Kids Eat Free at Incredible Pizza
Springfield, MO—America’s Incredible Pizza Company, located at 2850 S. Campbell Avenue, has announced that all Black-Eyed Kids eat free every Tuesday from 5-10 pm. A new Black-Eyed Kids buffet menu has been implemented and executives hope that the new promotion will provide a safe place for the BEK to find ample nourishment. “The Missouri Ozarks […]
Villages at Wicklow Welcome Madmartigan
Nixa, MO—According to his agent, the boastful mercenary swordsman Madmartigan, has purchased a house in the Nixa community known as the Villages at Wicklow. Madmartigan plans to move into the new home with his wife Sorsha and adopted daughter Elora before years’ end. The Ozarks have been home to several famous people, however this is […]
Christian County Assessor’s Bad Hair Convicted
Ozark, MO—Christian County Assessor, Sandra Bryant-Littles, has been convicted for not assessing her own crazy hair-do. Fashion police visited the perp after she was indicted by a federal grand jury for failing to report taxable property. In a related case, her husband and farm hand are indicted for reporting a false claim of cattle theft. […]
