All Entries Tagged With: "Springfield Missouri"
Hurricane Sandy Expected to Merge with Ozarks Tornado, setting off New Madrid Fault Line
Springfield, MO – Local weather experts are fearful that hurricane Sandy will turn its sights onto the Midwest after it destroys the Eastern Coast of the United States. After already merging with a nor’easter and clashing into Arctic winds, Sandy is growing stronger each day. “This storm has an appetite that cannot be contained. If […]
Visitors Streak to See Jordan Valley Park Nekkid Woman
Springfield, MO – Jordan Valley Park, located in the heart of town, is an urban meadow vast enough to find places for solitude, places to socialize and over the past few months has become a place to see a not-too-shabby lookin’ nekkid lady running around flashin’ what her momma gave her. Visitors to the park […]
City Builds Fountain to Water Conservation
Springfield, MO – With precious water reserves plummeting, City officials have agreed to build a fountain which will remind citizens of the importance of water conservation. The fountain will be a symbol of preservation. “We’ll pump 80-thousand gallons of water through the fountain each hour to remind citizens that water conservation should be taken seriously,” […]
Todd Akin’s Teachers Blame Themselves Over Gaffe
Everywhere, MO- After Todd Akin’s expressed his belief that women can “shut that whole thing down” (her reproduction system after a legitimate rape), many teachers are stepping forward. The teachers feel that if they just worked a little harder, then Akin would have a better understanding how rudimentary things work, and that a penis is […]
MAN VISITS OZARK EMPIRE FAIR TO RAISE SELF ESTEEM
Springfield, MO — During the summer, locals visit the Ozark Empire Fair for a variety of reasons–to ride rides, watch concerts, or just to enjoy the classy Northside atmosphere. However, one Springfield resident found his own reason to visit the Fairgrounds this week. “I just needed an ego boost,” said Walt Richie, “I figured doing […]
Groupon Offered for Heer’s Building
Springfield, MO – Local citizens will soon be receiving a Groupon offer via email to own a portion of the historic Heer’s Building in downtown Springfield. Most suspect developer Kevin McGowan is attempting to sell the structure piece by piece but none seem to care. General excitement to own a piece of the building is […]
Backwoods Hillbillies Enjoy Classy Moonshine Tasting
Springfield, MO- When the sunset light lingers and the fireflies brighten the twilight sky, the noble Ozarkian Hillbilly (heartier and more dark-haired than their Appalachian cousins) gather to jig, laugh, and taste nature’s sweetest elixir: moonshine. Every summer, eight of the greatest Hillbilly clans meet to share their finest alcoholic concoctions. “Hmm, yes,” says […]
3 Illegal Recipients of Joplin Fund Face Wind Tunnel
Springfield, MO – Three Joplin residents have admitted in federal court that they obtained disaster benefits after last year’s deadly tornado they weren’t entitled to receive and now face punishment via an wind torture tunnel. Acting U.S. Attorney David Ketchmark says 51-year-old Wanda Gail McBride, 30-year-old Ronald Martell Irby and 37-year-old Karen Marie Parks pleaded […]
Mirage Alert Issued for Art Walkers
Springfield, MO – Due to the high heat, a mirage warning has been issued to people who plan to attend the first Friday Art Walk this week. Downtown employees have reported seeing strange things all week and the illusions are expected to continue through the weekend. “I saw an oasis spring of Springfield Brew Co’s […]
Area Conservative Mothers Have “Fifty Shades of Gray” Book Burning…Almost
Springfield, MO- Book bans and burnings are not unusual occurrences in the Bible Belt, so it is so surprised that the racy “mommy porn” novel “Fifty Shades of Gray” was set in the sights of numerous area conservatives. The burning was set to take place in the parking lot of Hilldale Church on June 18th, […]
Voters Approve “Spitting Lougies in Public” with “No” Vote
Springfield, MO – The city populace spoke loudly and proudly with a 65% to 35% vote to approve spitting lougies in public, an amendment to the vote against the repeal of the smoking ban restrictions in Springfield. “Lougies were at one time considered rash and boorish behavior, produced only by those citizens most despised by […]
Christ Sends Giant Kittens Who Destroy Skepticon Billboard Accidentally
Springfield, MO – According to angels, Jesus Christ sent enormous cuddly kittens to sit next to a Skepticon billboard located on S. Glenstone Avenue at Seminole Street. According to passer-byes, the freakishly large kittens began to attack the billboard poking holes into the canvas. “Just because the kittens I sent to watch over the billboard […]
Fugitive Ruins Recess for Hundreds of Nixa Students
Nixa, MO – Earlier this week, known and wanted fugitive, Matthew Allen was spotted strolling in Nixa, forcing 3 local schools to be placed on lock-down preventing afternoon recess to take place. Students at Mathews Elementary, Espy Elementary and Nixa High School were upset and confused by the decision. “I was s’pose to swing with […]
Mayor O’Neill Suddenly Re-Signs
Springfield, MO – With a term set to expire in April 2013, and with no intentions of running for a third term, Mayor Jim O’Neill suddenly announced this week that he is planning to re-sign. O’Neill has always put his heart and soul into the position, however, most council members expected him to leave office […]
Walmart Sign Goes Up Without the “S”
Springfield, MO – The newest Walmart Neighborhood Market located on Glenstone Avenue is primed and ready to open despite hanging the incorrect signage above the main entrance. According to several hundred passing drivers, the sign in missing the “S” at the end of the word. “I been to Walmarts going on now thirty years. Aight […]
