All Entries Tagged With: "sports"
Highland Springs Accepts Zombie Members
Springfield, MO – Not to be outdone by Augusta National’s announcement of accepting two women into its club, Highland Springs Country Club (HSCC) is making headlines by accepting its first undead members. On Monday, two animated corpses–brought back to life by mystical means – were accepted into the fold. Hans Lumbering-Skullcracker and Lori Moldy-Armbiter were […]
FieldHouse Sportscenter Considers Name Change to CourtHouse
Springfield, MO – According to sources inside the FieldHouse Sportscenter, whose ground breaking ceremony recently occurred, many are considering including the word “court” in the name. Currently, the FieldHouse caters only to sports played on a court, not a field. “Basketball and volleyball are most certainly played on courts, not fields,” said one insider, John […]
Springfield Stopping Mountain Dew’s “Water is for Wussys” Ad Campaign
Springfield, MO- With summer temperatures coming earlier, heat-related illnesses are on the rise- making good hydration very important. But, Mountain Dew’s new ad campaign is down playing the importance of water, which is making Springfield health officials never nervous. The campaign declares that “Water is for Wussys” on numerous venues including bus stop benches and […]
Handicap Signage Promotes Racism
Springfield, MO – A painted parking spot elicited racist emotions on the south side of the queen city after a short shopping spree at the Walmarts. A large white handicap image can be clearly seen crushing the head of a black handicapped image. “What the f*ck is that!?” said George Tillawhack, as he walked by […]
Chariot Racing Approved in Ridgedale!
Springfield, MO – The proposed sale of land to be used for a loud, boisterous race-track has been denied and the purchase rights transferred to a group who is leading the charge to bring horse chariot racing to the Ozarks. The sale of the land near Ridgedale, owned by Russell Cook, was to be held […]
Gun Show at the Pony Club?!
Springfield, MO – According to a nearby billboard the Pony Club will host a Gun Show Oct. 22-23. Normally a male entertainment venue, the Pony Club Gun Show will feature dozens of men flexing their bicep muscles to the beat of rock ‘n roll music to delight the Ozarks’ female population. “You ladies […]
Academy Sells $0.20 of Goods to Curious Ozarkers Opening Weekend
Springfield, MO – Newly opened sports and outdoor company Academy celebrated a grand opening weekend welcoming thousands of visitors who combined for $0.20 worth of sales for the retail giant. Most folks who visited the store left empty handed but with a good idea of what goes into a huge building with lots of expectations. […]
Office NFL Jersey Day Taken Too Far
Springfield, MO – Employees at Jimmerson Accounting were deeply offended today when VP of Operations Lance Figpie came dressed as an Oakland Raiders fan. The office had declared today as “wear your team jersey day” to celebrate the opening of the NFL season. Figpie took the spirit day too far according to co-workers. ”Lance showed […]
Mother Nature Gives Cardinals Out
Springfield, MO—The St. Louis Cardinals canceled their exhibition game against Double-A Springfield set for Tuesday night at Hammons Field, citing an ominous possible defeat at the hands of the underling team. Tuesday’s match was set for 7:07 p.m. and officials expected to draw a sold-out crowd of more than 9,000 before the “big” Cards […]
Jerry Jones Purchases Springfield Wolfpack
Springfield, MO – Hours after dismissing Wade Phillips as the Dallas Cowboys head coach, team owner Jerry Jones purchased the Springfield Wolfpack to replace his football team’s roster with players willing to show up and play in each game. Said Jones, “An in-season coaching change is not something I’ve done before, nor is a mid-season […]
Wheelchair-Chasing-Pedestrian Crossing Unveiled
Springfield, MO—A new street crossing has been added to the thoroughfares of town, a place where wheelchair bound people can run down pedestrians in order to cross the road. Several disabled people claim the new sign as a huge success. “I love it. I get to mow people down in my ride if they are […]
Drury Bike Program Rolls On
Springfield MO-Students at Drury University in Springfield will now have a choice to help the environment by using a bike around campus. The bikes are part of the students’ sustainability tuition fee. This fee was approved by students years ago and must be used for the helping the environment as well as being a benefit […]
World Cup Interrupts Weather Report
Springfield, MO—A local ABC-affiliated television station attempted to broadcast a special weather report on Sunday, however, it was interrupted several times by the presentation of FIFA’s final game of the World Cup. Karl Hirky, a Springfield resident, who was tuned in at the time said, “I like watching the weather in Camdenton, MO so the […]
Hooligans at Gastropub Consume Packaged Foods
Springfield, MO—After watching Germany beat England, hooligans demonstrated their displeasure at Farmers Gastropub by consuming processed foods flown in from around the country. The pub opened early for World Cup fans and the owners had no idea that hooligans would disrupt the restaurant after such a poor showing among the English soccer team. Said one […]
Naked Cooling Center at Ice Park
Springfield, MO—Mediacom Ice Park opened to the general public today as a cooling center due to the heat advisory in Southwest Missouri. Those wishing to take advantage of the cooler temperatures were encouraged to strip off their clothing and sit on the freshly Zambonied ice rink. Hundreds of people showed up to take advantage of […]
