All Entries Tagged With: "Snow"
Ozarkers Thankful for Endless Winter
Springfield, MO – Residents had reason to celebrate yet another winter storm this week as thundersleet, snow and freezing temperatures blanketed the Ozarks. Locals had feared that another winter weather pattern wouldn’t been seen until next year but those fears were relieved when the old man winter crapped out another round of shitty weather. “I […]
Springfield Town Leaders Call “Hit” On Old Man Winter
Springfield, MO- With winter weather once again looming over Springfield, many city officials are turning to desperate measures to assure their town will not be in another icy abyss. During an emergency meeting Superintendent Norm Ridder (sick of so many snow days) and Mayor Bob Stevens decided to use government assets to fund various hit men and bounty hunters to “take care of” Old Man Winter. “Sure $100,000 is quite a […]
Children Build Preemptive Snowman
Springfield, MO – Upon hearing the news that Springfield Public Schools preemptively cancelled school today, dozens of children screamed in excitement, ran outside and immediately began building preemptive snowmen. “It was so sweet. My daughter ran out the front door and began to pantomime rolling in the snow, then she made a snow angel in […]
Polar Vortex Hovered Over Local Man
Springfield, MO – According to witnesses, the Polar Vortex followed a local man wherever he went yesterday, instantly dropping temperatures and freezing many businesses into closure. Jim Wunmertale said he first noticed the change when he left his home to take out the trash. “In the morning, I looked up and there was a black-silverish […]
Inches and Inches of Snow Falls Here and There
Springfield, MO – Parts of Springfield received more snow than other parts Saturday night and Sunday — causing many officials to speculate that “inches and inches” accumulated. Other areas including Nixa, Ozark, Republic, Willard, Logan-Rogersville, Branson and Marshfield have also received snow, up to “a lot” in some places. According to the National Weather Service […]
Giant Snowman Farting Snowflakes Over Ozarks
Springfield, MO – The National Weather Service has confirmed that a gigantic snowman stretching 2-miles high, has been responsible for the farting snowflakes over the Ozarks this week. The sputtering of snow began after the lumbering 10,560 foot ate some bad shrimp during its journey from North Texas to the East Coast. The NWS, tasked […]
Melting Snowmen Teach Children Inevitability of Death
Springfield, MO- With the melting of last week’s snow, many Springfield children are learning about the changing of the seasons, the water cycle, and the inevitability of death. Area snowmen, who were lovingly crafted by children of all ages, slowly wasted away in a powerful metaphor of morality. “Yes kids, watch as the snowman slowly […]
Southern Springfield Winter Wonderland, Northern Springfield Frozen Hellscape
Springfield, MO- This week, winter weather both devastated and beautified Springfield depending on the location. Light ice and snow turned Southern Springfield into a Norman Rockwell type winter paradise with laughing children creating snow forts, sledding, and enjoying playful snowball fights. The northern part of town had heavier snowfall and ice transforming it into a […]
Whimsical Snownado Warning Pleasantly Issued
Springfield, MO – Following strange weather reports, the National Weather Service has issued a Snownado warning for Southwestern Missouri until 5:45 pm. At 6:30 am, trained weather spotters reported a wonderfully white funnel 7 miles west of Battlefield or near Springfield. A snownado may develop at any time and shower the area with little fluffy […]
Springfield Stocks Up
Springfield MO.- With bad weather arriving and more on the way the citizens of Springfield do not want to be caught “out in the cold.” Grocery stores have reported that people have been coming in and buying the basics to get them through the hard times. “Our sales almost triple when bad weather is predicted.”, […]
McDonald’s Overwhelmed With People Preparing For Snow Storm
Springfield, MO. –Deemed the worst storm to hit the Ozarks since 2003, the massive snow storm front sweeping the nation has been called many names such as: “Snolocaust”, “Snowpocolypse”, even “Snowmageddon”. Its impending smack down in our region has local residents preparing for the worse. “I’m not going to get caught with my pants down […]
Snow-Fearing Ozarkians Lose Their Effin’ Minds
Springfield, MO—Mass hysteria has blanketed the Ozarks pending a predicted snowfall that is estimated to be the largest accumulation since 1912, essentially Ozarkians have lost their effin’ minds. “I went to the store as soon as I done heard there was gonna be a Snownado come up and take us all to the icy hell,” […]
Crippling Winter Storm Placed on Cancellation List
Springfield, MO—Thousands of Ozarkers awoke to a disappointing morning of little snowfall accumulation this morning. According to news reports this area was expecting 8-12 inches of snow prompting school, business and social cancellations. “I was planning to take off from work, read a book and watch a few movies, but now thanks to Mother Nature […]
Wednesday Weather Chart = Trippy Forecast
Springfield, MO—A local newsman blew several viewers minds by showing a radar screen filled with psychedelic images symbolizing Wednesday’s weather patterns. Cries of “whoa”, “maaaaan” and “dude” were heard in living rooms across the Ozarks. One viewer, Moonbeam Johnston said, “I saw like a beautiful unicorn soar across the sky during the weather report and […]
KSPR Threat Meter to add Meth Lab Neighbor and Overzealous Sexual Offender
Springfield, MO—With the recent onslaught of treacherous winter weather, KSPR has introduced the Threat Meter to help Ozarkers understand the most likely means by which they will die in the near future. Over the past several weeks, the meter has gained popularity by including threats such as “snow,” “ice,” “wind,” and “cold.” However, these threats […]
