All Entries Tagged With: "Shopping"
Hobo Fountains Open In JVP
Springfield, MO—Hobos around the country are rejoicing the opening of the Ozarks Stream and Fountain at Jordan Valley Park. Hundreds of vagabaughns are expected to take advantage of the free running water to cleanse themselves for the first time this year. “Baffs are good to have whens you gots fresh water running. The fountain is […]
Ozarks Reportedly Forced Into Time Warp
Springfield, MO—Local residents were reportedly forced into a strange and unexpected time warp Sunday which may be linked to an ancient tradition of sun worship. Several residents experienced the movement of time and space by exactly one hour. “I woke up and started getting ready when I noticed that my phone and computer clocks were […]
KY3 to Sell StormTracker 1, 2
Springfield, MO—Officials at KY3 have announced plans to auction off old weather forecasting equipment given the proven reliance of StormTracker3. StormTracker1 & StormTracker2 will be listed at a public auction this weekend. All proceeds will go toward the the purchase of future needs and an anticipated StormTracker4. During a dramatic camera pan Chief Meteorologist Ron […]
Emoticons Break Harsh Reality of Fortune Cookie Messages
Ozark, MO—A local Chinese restaurant is using emoticons to break unfortunate fortune cookie messages to customers. Several diners at the River Dragon on Highway 14 in Ozark were introduced to the new after dinner traditional snack and had mixed emotions. “’:) You make a bad day worse :)’ was my awful message when I cracked […]
Woman Can’t Tell Difference Between Dora, Kai-Lan
Springfield, MO—Local grandmother Ellen Younger frustrated last minute shoppers as she blocked an isle at the Walmart Independence location trying to decipher if the toy she was holding was Dora or Kai-Lan. “Now this must be Dora,” she said holding a Kai-Lan doll. Her shopping partner Nola Rigsby concurred, then retracted her judgment saying, “well, […]
Invisible Fence Sign on Visible Fence
Springfield, MO—A sign claiming fence invisibility is posted on a main thoroughfare in the Queen city yet to the naked eye the fence is clearly visible. Motorist traveling north on National street are exposed to this ironic advertisement every day and seek answers to this confusing signage. “The wood fence is surrounded by an invisible […]
Workout Clothes Make Man Look Fat
Springfield, MO—While dressing to prepare for a workout at the south side YMCA, local man Kurt Tressel said, “these workout clothes make me look fat”. Looking fat and feeling fat the man traveled to the workout center in his automobile early Friday morning. While resting his breakfast of champions little black donut package on his […]
Hot Chick at ICON Actually Waving to Guy Behind Local Dude
Springfield, MO—Jeremy Childress, local telemarketer, attended ICON Nightclub on Saturday night. Midway through the evening, a hot chick with awesome blonde hair and a short pink dress waved in Childress’ direction. Childress responded by slyly peeking behind him, then twice pointing a finger at his chest while mouthing, “Me?” Surprised, but assured that she was […]
Sam’s Club Fans Camp Out Before Opening
Springfield, MO—Opening weekend for the latest “Sam’s Club” sequel has become the Ozarks’ biggest ever grocery box office smash by earning $79 million, a publicist for the grocery chain said today. Nearly two weeks before the opening of the membership-only retail warehouse clubs, campers armed with tents, couches and video games turned the pavement at […]
Lazers focused on Kournikova’s Wrist Action
Springfield, MO—The Springfield Lasers have forced the hand of Anna Kournikova (Анна Ку́рникова) as she has agreed to add a pre-match autograph session for all ages during Friday’s World Team Tennis match at Cooper Tennis Complex at an undisclosed location. Lasers spokesman Bob Nelson confirmed team officials couldn’t say when or where the session would […]
Gator Added To Ozarks’ Monster List
Harrison, AR—MonsterQuest plans to investigate an alligator sighting in the Ozarks’ Lake Harrison. Ever since word spread of the alligator sightings in the lake and a nearby creek, locals have been on the lookout for the elusive creature. “Yeah, I think I’d rather deal with Paul the Nixa Hellhound than an alligator monster in our […]
Crowds Love Trashing I Love America
Springfield, MO—After the final sparkle, crews exploded onto the grounds of the area’s largest Fourth of July celebration. Volunteers worked for hours to clean up the mess left behind at the I Love America Festival. It took the crew of about a hundred 14 hours to finish the clean up at Springfield Underground. “I love […]
Tabuchi’s Toilets Take the Urinal Cake
Branson, MO—It’s a contest to promote cleanliness in public restrooms, but the Shoji Tabuchi luxurious bathrooms feature amenities that would make Bacchus—Greek god of excess—blush. “The restrooms themselves are a showcase themselves,” said the theater’s Assistant Executive Assistant to the Executive Producer’s Assistant, John’da Leeky confusing herself. “Everytime I walk in there it’s (gasp) this […]
Large, Inflatable Gorillas Hit Hard By Ozark Car Dealers Closing
Ozark, MO—The recession has found itself yet another victim. Due to car dealerships closing all over the Ozarks, large inflatable gorillas have found themselves out of work with no means of supporting their large inflatable families. “Mojo sad,” said Mojo, a large inflatable gorilla, after seeing his large inflatable pink slip. Mojo has a similar […]
Tourists Can’t Find ProBass on GPS Unit
Springfield—Two local tourists, Hank Bigrow and Jimmy Flagger, took a special trip from their hometown to visit the granddaddy of outdoor sporting worlds on Tuesday. Problem was they couldn’t find it on their global positioning system they relied upon. “I’d never been to the area so I wasn’t sure where Pro Bass was located,” said […]
