All Entries Tagged With: "Shopping"
Battlefield Mall Makes Way For “Diagon Alley: Springfield” Attraction
Springfield, MO – The City of Springfield has agreed to remove portions of the Battlefield Mall to create an attraction that will be known as “Diagon Alley: Springfield”. Diagon Alley is a fictional street in the Harry Potter novels where Harry and his friends shop to obtain school supplies. Because of the large number of […]
Tax Free Weekend Very Taxing
Springfield, MO – After four hours of searching, Shawn Hummerly of Nixa, was found curled n the fetal position near the Battlefield Mall Starbucks covered in trash. His wife and children reported him missing while shopping during the tax free holiday. “When we found him, he was muttering to himself a sort of chant ‘tax […]
Naked Man Found in Clothing Donation Bin
Springfield, MO – This past Tuesday a totally naked man was found hiding inside a clothing donation bin waiting for a nice-fitting outfit to drop in on him. After a quick database search the man was identified as Larry Lapp, who has a history of gambling. Police officer Gabby Rook said, “We found Lapp inside […]
Freistatt Distributes Beer to Prevent Grass Fires
FREISTATT, Mo. – The village of Freistatt is announcing a unique measure to help its own citizens prevent grass fires. The village will provide beer saved from last years’ Ernte-Fest to anyone living within a three-mile radius of Freistatt that has access to their own 3,000 to 5,000-gallon portable beer tank. Officials stress the beer […]
Brat Hut Looks to Add Shaking Bratwurst to Shack Top
Springfield, MO – Local brat-shop Bratwurst Hutte plans to add an enormous shaking traffic stopper to their location on East Battlefield road soon. Several options include a very large sausage, a gyrating bratwurst or several big hot dogs bundled together to draw attention from drivers traversing Battlefield road. According to Pineapple Whip employee Kale McFritters, […]
Flip-book of Approaching Storm Now Available
Springfield, MO – Local meteorologists and news stations have commemorated yesterday’s weather activity with a novelty flip-book now available at any area news station front desk. Tired of settling for convenient digital solutions the Ozarks news crew bonded together to produce a 142-page graphic representation of the approaching storm clouds in a paper medium. “Seriously, […]
Pork ‘n Lines to Replace Rock ‘n Ribs
Springfield, MO – In order to better define what the Rock n’ Ribs visitor experience is officials have renamed the local benefit for the 2013 event to Pork n’ Lines. According to people who went to the event, no ribs were actually served and the lines and lines of people were long enough to be […]
Crumbly-Building Man Fails to Save Costume Shop
Springfield, MO – The former “Costume Shop” near downtown Springfield at Main Avenue and W. Nichols Street collapsed despite the efforts of superhero Crumbly-Building Man, who was eating lunch close-by at Pappy’s Place. “He comes in every week for the lunch special. But today was different. During lunch he kept mentioning that his ‘crumbly-building senses’ […]
Residents Mourn Inevitable Closing of Newly Opened Store
Springfield, MO – Downtown Springfield shoppers got a treat this Monday when “Munch ‘n Muse” treated customers to free peach vegemite cupcakes during their grand opening celebration. The store, which sells designer cupcakes, indigenous Australian artifacts, and locally produced art and figurines, will cater to downtown shoppers looking for a creative gift or snack- until […]
Nixa Wookiee Sighted near Supercenter
Nixa, MO – Nixa shoppers received a shock Monday evening when several individuals reported a sighting of the legendary Nixa Wookiee in and around the Local Walmart Supercenter. Although the Nixa Wookiee has long enjoyed a position of prominence in local folklore, this is the first time in recent memory a sighting of the creature […]
Man Resolves to Not Make Resolutions
Springfield, MO – Jackson Henderson has made his intent known to family and friends that he will not be making any New Year’s resolutions this year. In fact, he is steadfast in picking up new bad habits to enhance his life. “Jackson showed up to the New Year’s party smoking cigarettes, chewing tobacco and wearing […]
Real Bears Adopt Street
Springfield, MO – Local bears have adopted a street to clean and keep tidy in Southeast Springfield near Luster and Cragmont. According to the bears, they are hoping to raise awareness to their plight as an indigenous species in the Ozarks. City officials claim that the bears filed the necessary paperwork for street adoption and […]
Trip Good…Travel Bad…
Springfield, MO – I love vacation as much as the next person but the travel has simply become too much to take. You might as well expect to get spitting angry somewhere between point A and point B. One thing that might help is to know what you might expect from those you are traveling […]
Squash Seized, Slashed, and Smashed for Shocking Samhain Ceremony
Dateline Springfield: Welcome back listeners. That was Macy Wallace with her new jazz hit, “City Lights.” We now interrupt this regularly schedule program with exciting news from Professor Farrell of the Chicago Observatory. Apparently, some explosions on the surface of Mars has jittered many scientist interested in – Hold on… This just in… A […]
Kum & Go To Add Slot Machine Gas Pumps
Springfield, MO- Due to the constantly varying gas prices, Kum & Go has decided to change all gas pumps to slot machine like apparatuses. Customers will put anywhere from one dollar to 25-dollars into the machines and pull the lever. Gas could be as low as 50-cents a gallon to 5-dollars depending on how […]
