All Entries Tagged With: "satire"
SPS Orders 4×4 School Buses!
Springfield, MO – Due to complaints by several school-age parents, Springfield Public Schools has purchased and received dozens of four-wheel drive school buses to cart kids to and from school. The new buses will be unveiled this weekend in a winner take all bone-crushing 4×4 monster bus competition. The new busses will be driven over […]
Man Celebrates Keeping Year Long Resolution
Springfield, MO – Local dude Charlie Twittens celebrated completion of his year-long resolution today to avoid eating goldfish. The resolution was the first that Twittens has ever been able to keep for a full 365 days. “I’ve tried to quit smoking, cursing and eating bad foods, but I always came up short. This past year […]
Elf Massages Half Off This Week!
Springfield, MO – Tiny Hands Massage & Spa has announced a half off deal for the Elf Massage package that includes at least a dozen elves rubbing down customers with itty-bitty hands and fingers. The package normally runs $120/hour but is being offered at $60/hour as an after Christmas sale. “I’ve had the elf massage. […]
Skateport King Loses Battle to MODOT, Rink to Close
Springfield, MO –Skateport King Barry Melvin released a statement announcing the closure of Skateport next year, a place that some consider a local landmark. The closure was deemed necessary by MODOT and is expected to ease congestion on south Glenstone with a new access road located at the site. Melvin appointed himself “King of Skateport” […]
Downtown to Host 5k for 5k Awareness
Springfield, MO – According to a recent poll, Springfieldians are less aware of the importance of 5k fundraising and will be enlightened by this 5k for 5k Awareness run. Event staff are accepting applications now and are continuing education around 5k benefits to runners and charity recipients. “We want to communicate to our community that […]
Plane Crashing Into Meteor Landing on Meth House Creates Loud Booms
Springfield, MO – Thousands of citizens experienced a very rare noise last night as a military plane broke the sound barrier and immediately collided with a meteorite entering Earth’s atmosphere, then both landed atop a well-known meth house causing a secondary explosion. “I heard it at my pappy’s house down in Nixa, never thought I’d […]
KY3 Trades Jacob to KSPR for Draft Picks, Cash
Springfield, MO – KYTV has announced a trade to sister station KSPR this week involving on air talent Jerry Jacob and Joe Daues that includes first round draft picks and cash considerations. Terms of the deal have not been finalized but details have emerged exclusively for our readers. “Most people aren’t aware of the January […]
Giant Snowman Farting Snowflakes Over Ozarks
Springfield, MO – The National Weather Service has confirmed that a gigantic snowman stretching 2-miles high, has been responsible for the farting snowflakes over the Ozarks this week. The sputtering of snow began after the lumbering 10,560 foot ate some bad shrimp during its journey from North Texas to the East Coast. The NWS, tasked […]
Home Schoolers Get Snow Day Shaft
Springfield, MO – For the second school day in a row, home school students are stuck inside their classrooms not able to go outside and enjoy the snow while Springfield Public School scholars are free to make snowmen, sled and pound each other with snowballs. “Seriously, I gotta stay inside again and study while the […]
Customized Tank Shop Coming to Town!
Republic, MO – The city of Republic has announced that a $4.8 million manufacturing plant being built there should create 77 new jobs to construct awesome customized tanks. Sherlock Metal Masters, a company that designs and fabricates custom tanks with a variety of options including chop tops, show-stopping suicide-style, gull-wing or flip-up doors, custom grill, […]
Drone Prostitute Delivery Tested in Ozarks
Springfield, MO – Local pimp daddy Le Freak Mosho’ has announced that 3 months of drone delivery testing has proved successful and delivery of his ho’s might be available to the general public in as little as 14 months. The Federal Aviation Administration needs to sign off on the proposed flight plans, and Mosho’ says […]
Holiday Homeowners Infected with LED Poisoning
Springfield, MO – An annual family tradition of decorating several lawns with Christmas lights, animated displays and thousands of LED lights to celebrate the holidays and entertain carloads of spectators has been a much anticipated event, however, this year a grim reality prognosis has developed within the family known as a rare form of LED […]
Oxygen on Tap at Heritage Cafeteria
Springfield, MO – Diners can now enjoy free tableside oxygen at Springfield’s landmark cafeteria along with food steeped in tradition. The additional service is provided as an incentive to bring in more customers in the ultra-competitive restaurant scene. “We cater to an older generation of customers who appreciate extra details to enhance their experience. The […]
Salty Bear Nuts Actually Quite Tasty
Springfield, MO – Missouri State Bears fans now have the unique opportunity to eat Bear Nuts, which are widely available across Ozarks grocery stores. Bear Nuts are consumed by grabbing a handful, cupping the nuts and slamming them into a wide open mouth. “I like to support my local team and I can’t think of […]
Mom & Pop Health Food Stores Cry Foul
With an irony sweet as a hunk of marbled halvah, local mom and pop health food stores are accusing the multi-outlet, mega health food juggernaut, Mama Jean’s, of running them out of business. “We just can’t compete with a store that has multiple locations, two in upscale parts of the city, that can buy in […]
