All Entries Tagged With: "satire"
St. Louis Arch Adds McDonalds To Observatory
Springfield, MO – Local McDonald’s franchisee Dom Kittles announced that his company secured the rights to place a restaurant in the top of St. Louis’ Gateway Arch and plans to open this summer. The contract came as a surprise to Kittles who considered his business as a longshot for the opportunity. “The news was great, […]
Diverging Diamond Necklace Unveiled at Justice Jewelers
Springfield, MO – Responding to consumers’ demand, and nodding to the unique traffic solutions employed around town, a local jeweler has recently unveiled the Diverging Diamond Necklace. The necklace pays homage to the diverging diamonds found in several Ozarks intersections. “We wanted to celebrate a traffic win for our area. We were the first to […]
Downtown Businesses Expected to Open Secondary Shops in Farmer’s Park
Springfield, MO – According to city code 34.356987, all downtown businesses are now required to open a second location at the new Farmer’s Park. While several businesses have complied with the new regulation others are more reluctant to make the investment. cheap cialis from canada You do not have to go through erectile dysfunction. The […]
Cox South Bungee Jumping Therapy Heals with Thrills
Springfield, MO – Results are coming back positive from an experimental therapy involving a bungee jump at a Southside hospital. Cox South has been treating patients with their Bungee Jump Health Towers installation for the past few months and has experienced impressive recovery rates. “We are always looking for new ways to treat our patients,” […]
Meek’s to Open Downtown Gown and Lumber Boutique
Springfield, MO – An unlikely business has jumped on board the downtown renovation momentum. Meek’s has opened Meek’s Gown and Lumber Boutique on the northeast corner of South and Walnut. Meek’s VP of regional development, Andy Walser, acknowledged that it was a unique choice saying, “It will be the first of its kind anywhere in […]
College Station Gravel Museum Celebrates Seven Year Anniversary
Springfield, MO – Touted as one of the premiere gravel museums in the world, College Station Gravel Museum in downtown Springfield, plans to celebrate tonight with an open house free to the public. “It’s hard to imagine that it has been seven years,” says curator, Scott Fillmen. “When we opened back in 2007 our goal […]
Ozarkers Thankful for Endless Winter
Springfield, MO – Residents had reason to celebrate yet another winter storm this week as thundersleet, snow and freezing temperatures blanketed the Ozarks. Locals had feared that another winter weather pattern wouldn’t been seen until next year but those fears were relieved when the old man winter crapped out another round of shitty weather. “I […]
LEGO® Releases Hammons Tower Set
Springfield, MO – Designed by a LEGO fan, the new LEGO Hammons Tower (77053) will be available for purchase this spring. Creator Matt Plither, a Springfield native, submitted the design to LEGO CUUSOO, a site where LEGO designers can submit projects, gains supporters and receive royalties if a product concept is chosen for production. Plither’s […]
On Campus Rule Prompts Drury-ville Camps, Lean-tos
Springfield, MO – Following news requiring most students to live on campus, several hooverville-esque tent camps have sprouted around the university grounds. Citing mounting debt concerns, hundreds of students are planning to tough it out on campus in makeshift shelters to abide with the new code. “I’m looking forward to the sense of community we […]
Group Fart Propels SGF Into the Future
Springfield, MO – The entire population of our fair city was thrust forward into time this weekend after hundreds of people trouser coughed at once while at the 33rd Sertoma Chili Cook Off at the EXPO Center. The consolidated butt honk lurched the entire city into the future by 2.5 seconds. “It was very stange…one […]
Ozarkers Brace for Warmer Weather
Springfield, MO – Local residents beaten down by the frozen temperatures are bracing themselves for absolutely gorgeous weather ahead. Shedding the heavy jackets is something that will be required as the mercury rises but many Ozarkers are resistant to the coming change. “My winter coat is so, so comfortable,” said Natalie Filuster, “I’m not sure […]
Girl Scout Investigating Possible Data Theft
Springfield, MO – Local Girl Scout Lorie Damon is reporting that she may have experienced a credit and debit card data breach from her cookie sales impacted 14 customers, one of the largest security breach she has ever reported. The cookie retailer confirmed on Tuesday that unauthorized access to payment card data between Feb. 2 […]
County Jail Photos Scanned for Potential Mate
Springfield, MO – Local criminals are taking to the Greene County Jail photo gallery of bookings to find a potential mate. Hosted on the SpringfieldNewsleader site, users refer to the gallery via multiple names including Booking.com, Crook.com and IncarcerCupid.com. “The crime and courts gallery allow those interested in finding a partner to match their criminal […]
Mike the Intern
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Farmers Looking Forward to New Farmer’s Park
Springfield, MO – Hundreds of local farmers are eagerly anticipating the opening of new Farmer’s Park this spring. A place to relax and play is exactly what most hard working farmers need during the busy season. Farmer Joe Bronston is envisioning “a large slide where farmers can swoosh down into soft cotton,” and Mary Bilgeratt […]
