All Entries Tagged With: "satire"
Fantastic Sam’s Caverns Opening July 2015
Springfield, MO – After much debate, locals and tourists alike are rejoicing at the announcement/agreement that has merged two beloved pastimes – haircuts and cave tours to form Fantastic Sam’s Caverns. The new twist on the cro-magnon hipster movement is all the rage with young Springfieldians and history buffs alike. Fantastic Sam’s Caverns will offer […]
Dinosaur’s Fate Debated by Scientists
Springfield, MO –Local scientists are hotly debating the recent disappearance of Dino, a green fiberglass dinosaur located on hole number six at Fun Acre Mini Golf. Originally installed in 1987, the dinosaur was a permanent fixture until last Wednesday when it vanished overnight. Researchers claim that a series of events could have caused the dinosaur […]
Uncle Si Cup Production Moved to SGF
Springfield, MO – The A&E hit show Duck Dynasty has touched the Ozarks in the form of a plastic cup facility, at the site of the former Solo Cup plant on North Glenstone Ave. Duck Dynasty is an American reality television series that portrays the lives of the Robertson family, who became wealthy from their […]
Branson’s “Number Ones” Raided
Branson, MO - Fourteen Branson theaters learned that the Federal Trade Commission’s Division of Advertising Practices have been conducting an investigation into their advertising practices when they were raided by agents on Monday morning shutting down most matinees. While the federal investigators refuse to comment on the nature of the investigation, two theater owners requesting anonymity, […]
Battlefield Mall Makes Way For “Diagon Alley: Springfield” Attraction
Springfield, MO – The City of Springfield has agreed to remove portions of the Battlefield Mall to create an attraction that will be known as “Diagon Alley: Springfield”. Diagon Alley is a fictional street in the Harry Potter novels where Harry and his friends shop to obtain school supplies. Because of the large number of […]
Mountain Lion Retires to Creekside at Elfindale
Springfield, MO – A mountain lion sighting was reported near the Creekside at Elfindale Retirement Community last week where it is believed it was looking for a place to retire. Having made its way up Fassnight Creek that runs through the property the mountain lion was allegedly scouting the property for to research the complete […]
Underground Beer Railroad Discovered
Springfield, MO – Excavators struck an underground room last week and happened upon a discovery of a lifetime, the original location of the underground beer railroad. Though they are unsure of the original construction date, records indicate that it was used to distribute beer to Chicago during Prohibition. Near the end of the Roaring Twenties, […]
Arms Race in Christian County
NIXA, MO – Nixa law enforcement has stepped up its game by acquiring a former military vehicle designed to resist mine explosions and ambushes. The second Christian County law enforcement group to do so, said Ozark was their inspiration. “The vehicle can best be described as a massive hulk of a vehicle,” said Lt. Buff Nicholson, […]
Turn Signal Fines Potential Revenue Source
Springfield, MO – Springfield officials have been observing developments in Colorado since marijuana was legalized there last year. City Manager Colin Blink says that “the city has watched both Colorado’s decreased costs, now that it no longer has drug laws to enforce, and has watched even closer the revenue raised in Colorado by the taxation […]
US World Cup Fans Ready For Misunderstanding
Springfield, MO – Thousands of US soccer fans are prepared to endure questionable stares, headshakes and dismissals during the largest sporting event on the planet as the FIFA World Cup begins today. Millions of US citizens will admittedly profuse ignorance on the subject while simultaneously claiming to be the biggest sports fans in the world. […]
Swarm Removal Company Tables Beekeeping Bills
Springfield, MO – A swarm removal company was called to the Springfield City Council meeting on Monday night to remove and table two bills that would allow urban beekeeping. Council voted 7-2 for contacting Bee’s Knees Swarm Removal of Bolivar as they have specialized procedures and a great deal of expertise and skill removing unwanted […]
Medical Mile Nurse Fight
Springfield, MO–The turf war simmering between Mercy and Cox hospitals is expected to boil this Friday night as a rumor has spread of a rumble between nurses from each hospital. “Cox is gonna have its day tonight” was overheard in a Medical Mile alleyway with a resounding reply of “Fair fight, but, if they start […]
Finding a Good Summer Day Care
Springfield, MO – Finding the right day care for your child takes about 10 minutes of time, a few well-placed questions to people who “know things”, and a little bit of acting. Here are the basics: Check out the facility. Don’t schedule an appointment, but show up dressed as a circus clown whose been drinking […]
Cox Hospitals Pioneers Base Jumping Therapy for Constipation
Springfield, MO – Willis McWilliams successfully scared the crap out of himself, and everyone else over the weekend by climbing a large crane on the campus of Cox Hospital. Doctors were baffled by failed attempts to find a cure for McWilliams severely backed up bowels. “l haven’t had a good B.M. since Rock-N-Ribs. Musta been […]
Person Dancing to “Happy” Angers Drivers
Springfield, MO – Several motorists driving south on Glenstone reportedly witnessed one horrifying act after another, as the driver of a sub-compact car sang and danced to Pharrell Williams hit song “Happy”. Reports included displays of awkward dance moves including a shoulder hunch, random rapid finger points and multiple waves at other drivers. “What was […]
