All Entries Tagged With: "Ohio"
Ozarkers In Heat Advisory – No Reproduction Efforts Allowed
Springfield, MO – According to Health officials, Southwest Missouri is in an “in heat advisory” which means people shouldn’t engage in any sexual activity. Record heat and heat indexes have locals’ sweaty panties in a wad. Any activity geared towards reproduction is highly discouraged while this dry, hot weather is in effect. “I was all […]
Celebration – Missouri is the Number 1 State! (in meth busts)
Springfield, MO – It is our privilege to announce that the state of Missouri is first among the Union. Yes, the Show Me state is now the number one state in the continental and non-continental states to lead the nation! It doesn’t really matter what we’re doing to lead the pack, we should revel in […]
Springfield Police Disarm Man by Train Tracks
Springfield, MO – It was reported recently that Springfield City Police had disarmed a man near the train tracks on N. Kansas Expressway, in what was believed to be a stand-off. However, in a drastic and dyslexic turn of events, it was found that the man had actually been disarmed by the train itself according […]
“Poison Hy-Vee” Spreads Through the Ozarks
Springfield, MO – Thousands of Ozarkians have been infected with a disease commonly known as “Poison Hy-Vee”, a mild form of curiosity preceded by high amounts of anticipation and feverishly high expectations. “Oh, man, I can’t wait to go to the new Hy-Vee store on Battlefield Street,” said Norma Jillonsap as she scratched her […]
Petition for More Annoying Petitions Circulates
Springfield, MO—Among the recent onslaught of annoying petitioners in downtown Springfield, a new petition has begun circulation to increase the amount of petitions. Zebediah Kennard, local artist and self-proclaimed downtowner, remarked, “I’m really glad this new one came along, for a while there it seemed like all the petitions were about to dry up!” Recently […]
NCAA Bracket Still Good For Something
Springfield, MO—According to reports, 9 out of 10 Ozarkers have a NCAA men’s basketball bracket that was rendered totally useless over the past weekend. Before scrapping the physical evidence of personal guessing stupidity, consider alternate uses for the “page of shame”. Locals have begun to ban together to add their brackets to the recycling center. […]
One Arrest During 700-Person Brawl
Springfield, MO—It took nearly 50 police officers to settle a brawl involving hundreds of people in downtown Springfield this past weekend leading to one arrest and one pissed police chief. According to the Springfield Police Department the incident began at about 12:45 a.m. with a fight among a large group of people inside Remmingtons Downtown. […]
Residents Urged Not to Handle Fire, etc.
Strafford, MO—Health officials are warning people not to handle fire, broken glass, hazardous material, dirty needles, poison or unknown chemicals after “pretty dancing lights” burned two Strafford area residents when they tried to grasp the illumination, otherwise known as “flames from a fire” last week. The Springfield-Greene County Health Department would like to remind area […]
