All Entries Tagged With: "NFL"
Donkey, Chicken Fed Weed to Predict Outcome of SuperBowl
Springfield, MO – A local man claimed to have fed a donkey and chicken proportionate amounts of weed to predict this year’s SuperBowl results. According to his amateur study, the animals were given 6 points if they made a successful attempt to the feeding trough, and an extra point if they took a drink of […]
Mizzou Fans Headed to the NFL
Columbia, MO – After a successful cheering on of their football team during the 41-31 win over Oklahoma State in Friday’s 2014 AT&T Cotton Bowl Classic, hundreds of fans have declared themselves eligible for the 2014 NFL season. “We gave a lot this past year. And we’re foregoing our next year of eligibility to support […]
Arrowhead Sets World Record for Silence in 2012
Kansas City, MO – It is official, last year the Chiefs set a record at Arrowhead Stadium for being the least loud venue in American football. Team officials only recently revealed that they flew a Guinness World Records official to the Chiefs v. Raiders game in 2012 where fans set the lowest sound record of […]
Insensitive Wife Totally Forgets Super Bowl
Nixa, MO- Local wife and mother Lily Harslow is in the doghouse today because she forgot the most important day in a man’s year: Super Bowl Sunday. Even though Mrs. Harslow apologized profusely, she knows that it will take a while before her husband’s heart will heal. “I knew it was sometime in February,” states […]
Obama Calls It Quits After Redskins Loss
Springfield, MO – The local democratic campaign office has announced that President Obama will not seek another term after the Washington Redskins lost to the Carolina Panthers this past weekend. The report referenced Obama’s decision was based solely upon the Redskins Rule, which has accurately predicted the outcome of every presidential election since 1940. Obama […]
NFL Hires Sammy B. Good as Referee
Springfield, MO – National Football League (NFL) officials have a new face to help call games – Sammy B. Good. Good was added to the officiating ranks to help add credibility to the struggling replacement refs who have yet to gain the full confidence of NFL players, coaches, fans, people who prefer ballet, aborigines, and […]
NFL Uses Replacement Fans
Springfield, MO – The National Football League will open the regular season with replacement fans in the Ozarks on opening day. League executives told the 32 teams that negotiations remain at a standstill between the NFL and the officials’ union, prompting fans to be replaced week 1. The replacement fans will be in the stands […]
Manning Signs with Hillcrest High School
Springfield, MO – One day after being released by the Indianapolis Colts, future Hall-of-Famer Peyton Manning announced that he will sign with a local high school to continue his football career. “Over the years, Peyton has devoted time to work with local youth groups, he envisions his 2nd high school career as an extension of […]
Greene-Beckham in MOSHOF Class of 2012
Springfield, MO – In a surprise announcement Dorieal Green-Beckham has been added to the Missouri Sports Hall of Fame induction class of 2012. Panel members responsible for deciding the final candidates said, “Crap, we totally forgot about him.” Sources report that the MSHOF election committee was “focusing on older athletes, y’know those who have spent […]
Dorial Green-Beckham Catches Ball, Runs Length of United States
Springfield, MO – Hillcrest High School senior football wide receiver Dorial Green-Beckham broke a national record tonight by catching a slant pass and running to Washington State in record time. No other athlete has ever attempted this feat and DGB didn’t know that he had completed a record-breaking catch until he reached the Pacific […]
Office NFL Jersey Day Taken Too Far
Springfield, MO – Employees at Jimmerson Accounting were deeply offended today when VP of Operations Lance Figpie came dressed as an Oakland Raiders fan. The office had declared today as “wear your team jersey day” to celebrate the opening of the NFL season. Figpie took the spirit day too far according to co-workers. ”Lance showed […]
NFL Lockout Fantasy League Over
Springfield, MO – Uber fantasy dorks were saddened to learn that the NFL lockout has passed this week and that they will now be forced to participate in regular season fantasy football. One player, Jeb Hontie said, “Man it was like the planets were aligning and opening up a parallel universe for us to play […]
Jerry Jones Purchases Springfield Wolfpack
Springfield, MO – Hours after dismissing Wade Phillips as the Dallas Cowboys head coach, team owner Jerry Jones purchased the Springfield Wolfpack to replace his football team’s roster with players willing to show up and play in each game. Said Jones, “An in-season coaching change is not something I’ve done before, nor is a mid-season […]
Brees Completes Speech with 98.4% QB Rating
Springfield, MO—Drew Brees recently spoke at the 14th Annual Steak & Steak Dinner to benefit the Boys & Girls Clubs of Springfield and completed an astonishing 70.6% of his speech with remarkable accuracy. The Super Bowl MVP set a franchise record for speaking in front of people eating steak while raising money for charity. The […]
Springfield WolfPack Pick Up Larry Johnson
Springfield, MO—Team officials announced that the Springfield WolfPack will be picking up former Kansas City Chiefs running back Larry Johnson Jr. for the upcoming indoor football season. Head coach Mike Burris said, “we’re taking it one game at a time, LJ gives us a great chance to compete week in and week out.” Johnson was […]
