All Entries Tagged With: "mo"
Attorney General Investigate Strickland Propane
Jefferson City, MO – Attorney General Chris Koster announced his office is investigating the cause of the recent rise in the price of propane gas, and is focusing the inquiry with Strickland Propane. Dozens of consumers have filed complaints with the Attorney General’s Consumer Protection Division against Strickland Propane, a propane and propane accessories supplier […]
Student Drivers Take “No Text and Drive Pledge” While Driving
Ozark, MO – Studies show that texting while driving impairs a driver in the same manner as being legally intoxicated, a fact that has influenced Ozark High School students to pledge not to text and drive, mostly while driving. “Ah well, pledging and driving is not quite the same as texting and driving,” said Joel […]
Lambert’s Employee to Undergo Tommy John Surgery
Ozark, MO – In the past few years, professional baseball has seen an abundance of pitchers having Tommy John surgery. However professional athletes aren’t the only people injuring their arms. Matt Garvey, a roll throwing specialist at Lambert’s Café in Ozark, Missouri, has been throwing rolls with the café for three years, and after a […]
Waynesville Family Evacuates Flooding to New Orleans
Waynesville, MO – Citing numerous irritations with dangerous flooding conditions, several people are considering making a move to higher ground, the Jerome’s are planning to evacuate to New Orleans, LA because, “I trust their levee system and can’t remember the last time they had any issues with flood waters,” said Dwight Jerome, head of the […]
Roddick Plays Both Sides of Court: Wins/Defeats Self
Springfield, MO – During a Springfield Lasers exhibition match last night, former world number 1 American tennis player Andy Roddick took to both sides of the court to play against himself to the delight of the fans. “When he walked out we all applauded, then he went to serve and he was the only person […]
Boils Advisory for Ozark, MO
Ozark, MO – A problem with the water has prompted a boils advisory for the City of Ozark. The City says the advisory affects residents who have skin, hair follicles or those who are prone to be near bacteria. According to the city’s website, the advisory is in place to slow the boils spread […]
Pope Resigns: Opens Vatican City Theater in Branson
Branson, MO – Head of the Roman Catholic Church Pope Benedict XVI followed up his resignation announcement with surprising news: plans to open a theater in Southwest Missouri. Vatican City Theater will open this March, after all papal duties are completed, for a 6-month run. City officials are eager to lure more aging tourists to […]
Silver Dollar City Plans Underground Railroad-themed Ride
BRANSON (MO) – Following this spring’s opening of “Outlaw Run,” a new wooden roller coaster, Silver Dollar City, the popular 1800’s-themed amusement park, will next open an “Underground Railroad-themed adventure ride.” “We’re all excited about ‘Outlaw Run,’ of course, but this new ride is going to be really make history,” commented Parker Amends, a spokesperson […]
Black Friday Shoppers Blockade Food Shoppers
Springfield, MO – Mayhem ensued at one Springfield Walmart when local resident John Turkman needed lightbulbs and Mountain Dew. Turkman was accosted by in his words, “a redneck family that made you think they were the poster children for the people of Walmart.” Turkman stated, “My living room lamp bulbs hand burned out and […]
Springfield Up in Smoke
Springfield, MO – Springfield’s city council voted to pass an ordinance that would minimize the penalty for marijuana possession this week, opening the door to smoke-outs, ganja jungles, blunt block parties and year-round bud seasons. When asked about the measure, city council members used numerous mentions of “man”, “like” and “dude” while answering reporter questions, […]
Chateau On The Lake Hit By Iceberg
Springfield, MO- Tragedy struck on Saturday when the premier Branson resort (called unsinkable by the press) was hit by an iceberg and slowly sunk into the lake, taking numerous souls with down with her. Ironically the disaster struck exactly 100 years after the Titanic met its icy fate. Many blame the tragedy on man’s hubris. […]
Tis the Season…but glad it is over!!
It is official; the holidays bring out the worst in us. It used to be a time where folks would greet each other on the street and share good tidings…now, you get in the way, and someone gives you a shot of pepper spray. So, this is who we have become. I suppose nothing has […]
Marionville Enacts Strictest K9 Alt. Ban by Mistake
Marionville, MO – Due to a typo, local officials have passed the strictest canine alternative bans in the state of Missouri. The laws were aimed at K2, a synthetic marijuana substitute, however the legal clerk typing up the copy mistakenly substituted a “9” for a “2”, thereby restricting the possession or sale of any animal […]
