All Entries Tagged With: "lol"
Casper’s New Chilly Summer Menu Unveiled!
Springfield, MO – Thanks to a new ownership, and a new air conditioner unit, iconic downtown diner Casper’s Chili Parlor is preparing to deliver summertime chili to Ozarks area chili aficionados. For years, chili-chumps have had to endure months of agonizing pain waiting for cooler weather to satisfy their quest for the elusive chili-cabra satisfaction. […]
City Utilities Provides First White Dusting of the Season
Springfield, MO – Thanks to a malfunction at City Utilities’ John Twitty Energy Center, a few lucky Ozarkians enjoyed an early dusting of white fluffy stuff to play in. The fly-ash distributed over the area gave kids and adults alike the chance for to break out the winter gear. “It was great,” said Noah Fingertoe, […]
National Parks Reopen: Deer, Turkey, Wildlife Return to Work
Springfield, MO – Following the reopening of the Federal government, wildlife across the Ozarks have returned to work at parks across the region. Thousands of Ozarks animals were furloughed during the shutdown and many were happy to return to their normal lives. “I was so sick of not working…staying in the cave with about 40 […]
GD Home Restoration Accurately Named
Springfield, MO – Local signage has struck a chord with homeowners looking for restoration, goddammit. GD Home Restorations is recognized as one company that is willing to put the frustrations of home renovations on their shingle, one salty curse word abbreviation at a time. “I saw the sign and thought ‘at least they know what […]
Absolutely No One Plans Government Reopening Celebration
Springfield, MO – A recent poll suggests that absolutely no person alive is planning to celebrate the reopening of the US government once legislative dickbags come to their senses. Most people polled suggested that they felt ass-slapped by their elected leaders who are blockading progress to “stand up for constituents”. Henry Biggins said, “Whoever is […]
Arrowhead Sets World Record for Silence in 2012
Kansas City, MO – It is official, last year the Chiefs set a record at Arrowhead Stadium for being the least loud venue in American football. Team officials only recently revealed that they flew a Guinness World Records official to the Chiefs v. Raiders game in 2012 where fans set the lowest sound record of […]
Shepherd of the Hills Expressway to Close
Branson, MO – In a strange coincidence, The Shepherd of the Hills Expressway will close in a few weeks, around the same time as the last Shepherd of the Hills Outdoor Theatre performance. Citing a rise in insurance, maintenance costs and an increase in elderly drivers, the SotH Expressway will close on Oct. 19th. “The […]
Springfield Create Elite “Over Due Books” Task Force
Springfield, MO – With a country in crippling debt, many Springfield politicians are finding ways to make sure their city does not fall into the same trap. Luckily Springfield officials found a veritable money pit sapping funds from the otherwise tight budget: overdue library books. “We are losing hundreds of dollars a decade on this […]
Stairway to Heaven Under Construction
Springfield, MO – Attempting to build a direct portal to the heavens, a construction crew on National south of Battlefield is continuing progress to build a ladder to the Almighty’s front door. The project is scheduled to be completed by Christmas and will attain a final height of 500 miles tall. “So, this is a […]
President Obama Weighs in on Kewpies Mascot Name
Columbia, MO – President Barack Obama says he would “think about changing” the Hickman Kewpies’ mascot name if he went to school there as he waded into the controversy involving a word many consider offensive to naked babies everywhere. Obama, in an interview with The Associated Press, said school names such as the Kewpies offend […]
Globetrotters vs. Baldknobbertrotters at Silver Dollar City
Branson, MO – After purchasing the rights to the Harlem Globetrotters, Silver Dollar City parent company HFE, is planning to build a new section of the park to feature the traveling basketball team and provide an arena for “home” games. While appearing at the Silver Dollar City Arena the team will play a stooge team […]
Chaos Reigns When Federal Hilly-Bill Reserve Loses Funding
Springfield, MO- Due to the government shut down, many federal funding projects are losing not only financial support, but many valued and skilled employees are being furloughed. Nowhere is this more damaging than the Ozark’s own Federally Funding Hilly-Bill Reserve. With no electricity to power the 5,000 volt fences or no money to pay guards armed […]
Snake Oil – October
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