All Entries Tagged With: "lol"
God Okay with Idol Worship in the Ozarks
Springfield, MO – Following the performance of American Idol star Kelly Clarkson last night, several Christians converted to Idol worship. The God of the Universe had planned to strike dead all who are partaking in the pagan cult rituals but God finds Clakson’s music just too catchy and herself to be too cheery to destroy […]
FEMA Blind to Disaster in SW MO
Springfield, MO – The Federal Emergency Management Agency denied Missouri Gov. Jay Nixon’s request for a major disaster declaration based on the number of old refrigerators, bathtubs and automobiles found in neighbors’ yards. In most areas of Taney and Stone County it was very difficult for Federal assessors to determine where tornado damage began and […]
Spring Wakens Famous Ozark Spotted Terror-weevil
Springfield, MO- With warmer weather and brighter skies Ozarkians are looking forward to baseball, picnics, and the awakening of the spotted Terror-weevil. The Terror-weevil can only be seen in the months of March and April where it emerges from deep underground caverns. This emergence (called the Terror Bloom by 1800’s Hill folk) is a rare […]
Black Ink Comics – March
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Manning Signs with Hillcrest High School
Springfield, MO – One day after being released by the Indianapolis Colts, future Hall-of-Famer Peyton Manning announced that he will sign with a local high school to continue his football career. “Over the years, Peyton has devoted time to work with local youth groups, he envisions his 2nd high school career as an extension of […]
Political Storm Alert – Santorum and Paul Warning in Ozarks
Springfield, MO – The National Political Service in Springfield has issued a Republican Presidential Candidate warning for Greene County in southwest Missouri until 9pm CST Saturday night. At 5:12 pm trained politician spotters reported several Republican candidates were seen moving towards the Missouri Ozarks. Listen here: Political Storm Warning A political barrage of television advertisements […]
Beer Tank Swim at Brew Co!
Springfield, MO – To celebrate beer, the Springfield Brewing Company is selling raffle tickets for a 15-minute swim in their beer tanks this week. The tickets are prices at $40 and all proceeds go toward the “Help a White Man Dance” foundation. Participants are excited at the opportunity to actually swim in beer. “Hellz yez, […]
Branson Tornado Skips Over Cracked Ripley’s Building
Branson, MO – The vicious tornado that ripped apart the Branson Strip entertainment area apparently stopped short of demolishing the Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Odditorium, presumable due to the building already having the appearance of destruction. “I’d say that mighty black tornader seen the Ripley’s building and figured it was already fallin’ apart so […]
Hackers Disappointed with Stolen Identities
Springfield, MO – After a recent website attack on springfieldmo.gov, hackers associated with the group “Anonymous” were disappointed to learn that they had stolen personal identification of regular citizens who live regular lives. A spokesperson for “Anonymous” known as Hugh Dunnowmie said, “We were hoping to find personal information on Brad Pitt, Bob Barker or […]
Extremely Slow Car Chase in our City
Springfield, MO – A fleeing perp in a Chevy Dolt led a mad car chase at speeds up to 45 mph through the streets in our fair city yesterday, while veteran traffic Officer Joe Krupke adroitly followed in his government issued Dolt. The chase ended abruptly when the speeding dolt’s battery went dead. Officer Krupke […]
Horse Meat Processing Plant To Offer Horse-Head Delivery for Mobsters
Mountain Grove, MO- Not only will the new Horse Meat Processing plant give Ozarkians the chance to eat delicious horse meat (with 3 different cuts of horse steak: Sea Biscuit, Secretariat, and War Horse), but give an exciting opportunity to ease the minds of local mobsters. With the plant’s streamlined “horse head” delivery system, mobsters […]
UNINTELLIGENT WOMAN SURPRISINGLY WORRIED ABOUT EMAIL DELIVERY
Springfield, MO – With the announcement Thursday that the closing of the local Processing and Distribution Center for the U.S. Post Office will be happening sometime this year, local college student Mindy Kapling is being very vocal regarding her concern about her email accounts. “Like, I know if you put a stamp on it and […]
Celebration – Missouri is the Number 1 State! (in meth busts)
Springfield, MO – It is our privilege to announce that the state of Missouri is first among the Union. Yes, the Show Me state is now the number one state in the continental and non-continental states to lead the nation! It doesn’t really matter what we’re doing to lead the pack, we should revel in […]
New Madrid Fault Is A Real Prima Donna
Springfield, MO – The New Madrid fault flexed its muscles yesterday just to show people that it still exists. “Yeah I tossed a 4.0 on they badselves just because I can,” said the fault, “boo-yah humans!” Reports indicate that the New Madrid fault line experiences far less publication than other more popular fault lines in […]
