All Entries Tagged With: "lol"
Underground Beer Railroad Discovered
Springfield, MO – Excavators struck an underground room last week and happened upon a discovery of a lifetime, the original location of the underground beer railroad. Though they are unsure of the original construction date, records indicate that it was used to distribute beer to Chicago during Prohibition. Near the end of the Roaring Twenties, […]
Turn Signal Fines Potential Revenue Source
Springfield, MO – Springfield officials have been observing developments in Colorado since marijuana was legalized there last year. City Manager Colin Blink says that “the city has watched both Colorado’s decreased costs, now that it no longer has drug laws to enforce, and has watched even closer the revenue raised in Colorado by the taxation […]
Swarm Removal Company Tables Beekeeping Bills
Springfield, MO – A swarm removal company was called to the Springfield City Council meeting on Monday night to remove and table two bills that would allow urban beekeeping. Council voted 7-2 for contacting Bee’s Knees Swarm Removal of Bolivar as they have specialized procedures and a great deal of expertise and skill removing unwanted […]
Medical Mile Nurse Fight
Springfield, MO–The turf war simmering between Mercy and Cox hospitals is expected to boil this Friday night as a rumor has spread of a rumble between nurses from each hospital. “Cox is gonna have its day tonight” was overheard in a Medical Mile alleyway with a resounding reply of “Fair fight, but, if they start […]
Finding a Good Summer Day Care
Springfield, MO – Finding the right day care for your child takes about 10 minutes of time, a few well-placed questions to people who “know things”, and a little bit of acting. Here are the basics: Check out the facility. Don’t schedule an appointment, but show up dressed as a circus clown whose been drinking […]
Cox Hospitals Pioneers Base Jumping Therapy for Constipation
Springfield, MO – Willis McWilliams successfully scared the crap out of himself, and everyone else over the weekend by climbing a large crane on the campus of Cox Hospital. Doctors were baffled by failed attempts to find a cure for McWilliams severely backed up bowels. “l haven’t had a good B.M. since Rock-N-Ribs. Musta been […]
Hep-A Yourself Buffet Opens at Red Robin
Springfield, MO – Battling a recent pr nightmare of Hepatitis A exposure to over 5,000 people in the Springfield area, Red Robin has announced plans to open a free buffet in an effort to lure patrons back into the restaurant. The Hep-A Yourself Buffet grand opening will be May 22 from 11-6, and May 23 […]
Big Momma’s to Merge with Big Whiskey’s, Forming Big Momma’s Whiskey
Springfield, MO – Citing an opportunity for synergy, local bar and restaurant owner, Raul Bundy has announced a new merger between local coffee shop, Big Momma’s, and his restaurant, Big Whiskey’s The new restaurant, called Big Momma’s Whiskey, will have what Bundy calls a nostalgic mom’s liquor cabinet feel to it. Mom’s have always liked […]
First Cousin Marriage Still Not Allowed in Arkansas
EUREKA SPRINGS, Ark. – While gay couples in Arkansas are saying “I Do” in some counties, first cousins are petitioning a judge to strike down the state’s bans on first cousin marriages. On Monday, however, the legal situation was up in the air as county clerks differed on the impact of the first cousin marriage […]
Driver Refused to Diverge
Springfield, MO – Local driver Lars Timber lost his cool last week when he intentionally refused to swing left at an upcoming diverging diamond interchange on S. Kansas Expressway. The act of defiance could have cost him or others their life, but fortunately the deed took place around 2 am when traffic was low. “I […]
Netflix Down to Four Subscribers, Yet 18,000 Users in Southwest Missouri
Springfield, MO – Netflix released their quarterly subscription numbers and the Southwest Missouri region is down to just four people actually paying for a subscription to the online movie streaming service. “It’s baffling,” says Netflix CEO, Reed Hatings. “We suspect the users might be sharing their passwords. We understand that is part of how it […]
Guide Spews Lies During Local Tour
Springfield, MO – Recent complaints have poured into the Missouri Department of Tourism following a guided tour by Southern Tours that included several prominent Springfield landmarks and points of interest. Several complaints were directed at the tour guide, known only as Terry the Tour Guide. “I grew up in this area and I’ve never heard […]
Geese Kill Man in Gang Related Retaliation
Springfield, MO – In what city leaders fear may escalate into all out interspecies gang warfare, a man, Charles Donald, 45, was found dead in his yard, the victim of an apparent honk-by. Five geese were seen by witnesses walking by the yard, then attacking with wings and beaks ablazing. The geese immediately flew off […]
Man on Square Relays Wisdom to Anyone Willing to Listen
Springfield, MO – Local man Olaf Pendergrass has been dispensing nuggets of knowledge to anyone willing to listen as they pass through the square each afternoon from 3-5 pm. The jewels of wisdom vary from common factoids to introspective riddles. “The first time I saw Pendergrass, he looked at me and said, ‘Tardy fish eat […]
Germans Deny SBC Märzen Gold World Beer Cup Win
Springfield, MO – Following an unprecedented victory in Denver, Colorado where the Springfield Brewing Company took the International Gold World Beer Cup in the Märzen category over several rival brewers, German participants are officially denying any such victory ever happened. The Springfield Brewing Company team went up against storied breweries who have a combined brewing […]
