All Entries Tagged With: "lol"
Local Man Launches New Asocial Network
SPRINGFIELD, MO – Anti-Zuckerbergians across the world may find a new hero here in the good old Ozarks in well-known local entrepreneur Willie Czonka. Czonka announced recently the launching of a new asocial networking site aptly named InYourFacebook, which promises a creative outlet for curmudgeons, cuckolds, catamounts, cranks and crackpots. “Many of us are thoroughly […]
Man Reluctantly Takes Family To Strip Club For Best Steak in Town
Springfield, MO- In an act of total desperation, a local man brought his family to an un-named strip club that boasts in having the best, cheapest steak in town. Family man Dalton Barlow knew that going to a strip club was totally deplorable, but he really, really likes good steak. Barlow, a father of 3 […]
Snoopy House Discovered in Springfield
Springfield, MO – Peanuts fans will instantly recognize a familiar dwelling at the corner of National and Sunshine Street – all they need to do is look in the Northeastern corner of the intersection to find a dog house for one famous white and black dog. Now that the word is out, Springfield is attracting […]
Drowsy Driver Checkpoints This Week
Springfield, MO – In response to the increasing number of drowsy drivers in the Ozarks, checkpoints will be set up this week at undisclosed locations around town by the Springfield Police Department. Drowsy driving, while much less known that drunken driving is equally as dangerous. The Centers for Disease Control & Prevention reports 15-33 percent […]
Mom and Pop Sex Shops Driven out of Business By Evil Corporations
Springfield, MO- The main street of yesteryear faced a huge blow yesterday when yet another mom and pop shop went out of business. The “Paradise” sex shop, which has been apart of the Appleton family for generations, was brought out by the faceless entity known as “Romantixxx”. “This is a real shame,” says great-grandma Marlene […]
Resolutionist Resolves to Relax
Springfield, MO – Ralph Robbermerg has claimed a new resolution – to become a Relaxation Resolutionist. Maxing the most of his life, Robbermerg has committed to reading fiction, playing video games and hanging around a pool whenever possible. “Listen, I’ve worked for most of my life and all I really have at the end of […]
Fiscal Cliff Protest Jump Planned at Table Rock Lake
Branson, MO – Thousands of fiscally-minded citizens plan to jump into icy water at the Swings cliff on Table Rock Lake to garner attention and avert the budgetary collision of tax hikes and spending cuts that threaten the U.S. economic recovery this week. Event organizers have registered hoards of cliff jumpers eager to pay $25 […]
50 Shades of Santa Guy Seeks New Location
Springfield, MO – For weeks, a Santa Claus clad figure was seen on Glenstone promoting a local business while indulging in an erotic novel. Now that the holidays are over, local Santa/poster guy, Curtis Yipraw is looking for another public outlet to read his tasty novel. “It truly was exciting reading about Anastasia and Christian’s […]
The Dentist – Motivational Speaker
Let’s face it (no pun intended), The Dentist, while probably a decent human being, SUCKS!! Nobody, and I mean Nobody, likes to go to The Dentist. All the horror of humanity is ingested and, at times, spewed out of this ghastly ring we call our mouth and there is only one that truly knows what […]
Hammons, Pitt & Morris Combine to Defeat Mayan Apocalypse, World Celebrates
Springfield, MO – After months of secret collaborative efforts three native Springfield businessmen have successfully thwarted the impending doom predicted by final days of the Mayan Calendar. John Q. Hammons, Brad Pitt and Johnny Morris appeared disheveled and bruised early this morning but beamed proudly at their world-saving accomplishment. According to reports, the men played […]
5 Guys Burgers Seriously Considering Hiring 6th Guy
Springfield, MO- With the opening of “5 Guys Burgers” in the Battlefield Mall many Springfield patrons are flocking to the new eating establishment which is causing stress to the only 5 employees. “I don’t know what we were thinking,” said Joseph “Guy 3” Barton while he simultaneously took 3 orders and bused 2 tables. “We […]
First Name Basis Only Commercial Zone on Campbell Ave.
Springfield, MO – Sam’s, Casey’s, Freddy’s, Andy’s, and Famous Dave’s are taking advantage of specially zoned area on either side of south Campbell avenue, accessible via the gateway to first name business land: James River Expressway. Companies whose dba reflects a male or female first name have been incented to locate along this strip of […]
Hinese Food Offered in SGF
Springfield, MO – A local restaurant is offering a new cuisine that’s sure to be the butt of many jokes: Hinese food. Patrons are unsure if the food is intended to be ingested via the hiney or if the food being served is made from the hiney of an animal. “Yeah, sure I’d try me […]
