All Entries Tagged With: "lol"
Horrifying Statue Unveiled in Leong’s Honor
Springfield, MO – After Congressman Billy Long presented cashew chicken inventor David Leong with a Congressional Record Statement a horrifying statue was unveiled of Leong made entirely of cashew chicken and bronzed. “What the hell is that?!” screamed everyone in attendance. Several women fainted and many men openly wept at the shockingly terrifying image. The […]
Officers Equipped with Soap Guns for City Council Meetings
Springfield, MO – Following Mayor Stephen’s recent declaration banning swearing, officers providing protection at City Council meetings will be equipped with a new piece of law enforcement equipment– a soap gun. City leaders worked with the police chief and considered numerous equipment enhancements including Super Soakers filled with soapy water, a fire hose filled with […]
Springfield Public Schools Buys Fleet of “Imperial Walkers” To Combat Snow Days
Springfield, MO- Due to a stubborn winter that refuses to relent, Springfield Public Schools bought a fleet of “Imperial Walkers” (also known as AT-AT’s) to make sure snow days are no longer an issue. “We will no longer be a slave to old man winter,” said Superintendent Norm Vader while wearing a black cloak that […]
Hobo Trap Set Downtown!
Springfield, MO – A giant cage used for catching hobos has been placed on west Phelps Street in downtown Springfield. Baited with loose cans and broken dreams the trap is part of a plan to rid the city streets of unsightly vagabonds. City Officials hope that the new effort will revitalize a once vibrant neighborhood. […]
Time Traveler Warns Springfield About New Walmart’s Impact
Springfield, MO- A crowd was amazed yesterday when a time traveler hailing from Springfield’s near future decried the construction of the new Neighborhood market on Campbell Street. The traveler, named Kyle Reese, said that the market will spell doom for downtown, Springfield, and the world. Wearing super futuristic glasses and hair all spiked up and “future […]
Springfield Springbreakers Hospitalized For Hyperthermia
Springfield, MO- Many MSU college students did not let the cold weather deter them from their Spring Break plans, unfortunately hyperthermia put a stop to numerous college style hijinks. A number of college students where admitted to the hospital after being exposed to freezing temperatures in hardly any clothing. “It is Spring Break, which means […]
“Southwest” Missouri State–Airline Purchases Naming Rights to University
Springfield, MO –The arrival of Southwest Airlines to the Ozarks is bringing yet another change – naming rights to Missouri State University. The agreement was announced on Wednesday and many fans and critics were quick to passionately express their feelings regarding the University’s nomenclature. “I’m so excited about the global implications of the new airline […]
Sperm Donations Boxes Now Available
Springfield, MO – Local donation boxes have recently appeared around the Ozarks with a different type of gift in mind, the gift of life. Sperm donations are rising in popularity and donation boxes are rapidly filling street corners next to traditional donation boxes for clothing, food and shoes. Sperm boxes are spreading in popularity across […]
Southwest Lands in Southwest Land
Southwest Missouri – Southwest Airlines took another step towards providing service and dominating in all southwestern locations in the continental US by safely landing their Boeing 737 this week at Branson Airport. “It is our vision to be an airline provider to every corner of the world, especially those located within geographical proximity to where […]
Doomsday Preppers Invade SGF RV Show
Springfield, MO- Last weekend the Springfield RV Megashow was a huge success for average RV connoisseurs, as well as, a huge influx of Doomsday preppers. Usually, the Megashow target audience includes older males seeking the comfort of home coupled with the adventure of the road, but once a group of preppers noticed the size and […]
Tornado Drill Announced for Yesterday
Springfield, MO – Yesterday a tornado drill was activated across Greene County frightening thousands of civilians who were not expecting it. Scores of sissies were set on pins and needles with the test and many more were thrilled with the opportunity to jest and poke fun at the frighten-prone wussies who feared for their […]
Melting Snowmen Teach Children Inevitability of Death
Springfield, MO- With the melting of last week’s snow, many Springfield children are learning about the changing of the seasons, the water cycle, and the inevitability of death. Area snowmen, who were lovingly crafted by children of all ages, slowly wasted away in a powerful metaphor of morality. “Yes kids, watch as the snowman slowly […]
