All Entries Tagged With: "lol"
Free Crowd Concussions Provided at Rugby Match
Springfield, MO – To commemorate the dedicated fans of Springfield Rugby Club, free concussions will be provided at this weekend’s last spring season game. After the match, players will make themselves available in a touch-and-feel scab booth where spectators can run their hands over scabbed knees, elbows and foreheads to better understand and appreciate the […]
Beard Fight Night!
Springfield, MO – The fourth annual Queen City Beard & Moustache Federation Competition will be held this Saturday and a new competitive event features dueling beards in cage fights to the shearing. The main event will pit two competitors against each other, beards outfitted with blades, clippers and shears in hand. First man to shave […]
Math Event Attended by “Lots” and “Many” Students
Springfield, MO – More than a lot of high school students participated in the math skills test hosted by Missouri State University this week. Too many to count put their calculating on display by participating in a little more than a dozen individual and team events. “I’d say many, many students participated. It was really […]
Storms Increases Dramatic, Passionate Rain Kisses By 200%
Springfield, MO- With torrential rain pouring all over the Ozarks, many couples are taking the dramatic, soaking backdrop as an opportunity to embrace romanticly. One cannot drive down the water-drenched streets without seeing a couple running toward each other with rain-soaked clothes, mouths agape. “Jeremy….Jeremy!!!” called Cindy Wallace as she rans toward her boyfriend […]
Freshman Left “Campus Alone” When Classmates Go To Atlanta
Springfield, MO- Due to a crazy mix up, Freshman Kevin McCallister was left all alone on the Drury Campus when every other Drury student left to watch the NCAA Division II Championship in Atlanta. “Hello, anyone there?” asked Kevin as he sleepily walked through the campus in his pajamas. “They all left. I am campus […]
MSU To Springfield: Hey, We Do Stuff Too
Springfield, MO- Even though the Drury Panthers wowed the Ozarks with their nail biting victory over Metro State, Missouri State University is proclaiming to Springfield: “Hey, we did stuff on Sunday, too.” “Oh, so they run some championship, big deal,” says sophomore Larry Harshman. “I just played like 30 matches on Halo 3, but you […]
Drury Championship Movie in Works
Springfield, MO- With the Drury Panthers winning the NCAA Division II championship, Hollywood is scrambling to make their Cinderella story to the silver screen. Universal has already bought the rights and top writers Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtz man (of Transformers fame) are penning the action pack, thrill ride script. “We are really kicking it […]
Large Red Blob Threatening Ozarks
Springfield, MO – Meteorologists are reporting across the region of a looming, red blob that will enter our area on Tuesday and hang around causing unknown damage and other things. The red blob was first reported by meteorologist Hans Zeenit who proclaimed “Red mass…headed to….Ozarks” before collapsing from fear. Speculators are speculating that the red […]
Springfield City Sales Tax Continuation Reveals Horrifying Fine Print
Springfield, MO- Days after 74% of voters approved a sales tax continuation, law makers discovered small text that shows an insidious and terrifying side to the proposition. Although the continuation was said to improve Republic Road, the construction was also to release unspeakable evil. “We thought it was cut and dry until we say the […]
Urban Warrior Color Run This Weekend!?
Springfield, MO – According to someone awesome, two epic races have been positioned to collide unexpectedly this weekend to create the Urban Warrior Color Run – a merger of the Springfield Urban Warrior Challenge and the Color Run. Unbeknownst to many race participants, start times and days were misinterpreted to create this one of a […]
Springfieldians Vote In Record Numbers…On Facebook Polls
Springfield, MO- In a stunning show of the power of democracy a record amount of Springfield citizens showed their love of the democratic process by voting in various elections across the area. Unfortunately the vast majority of the votes were cast in Facebook polls. “I know it is my patriotic duty to cast my vote […]
Murder Story Followed By Happy Weather Report
Springfield, MO – In recent news, a horrible story regarding one person murdering another person was quickly follow up by a snappy upbeat weather report! Weather is commonly used to soften the blow to viewers after an unsavory piece of bad information is shared. News teams have relied upon the weather to transition from gruesome […]
Office Worker Lives A Lie During Bracket Water Cooler Conservation
Springfield, MO- Winston Baxter had to face yet another day of deceit and deception when he had to fake a basic knowledge of NCAA tournament play. Winston, who knows nothing about any form of sports whatsoever, feels that unless he tricks his fellow co-workers to believe he knows/cares about college basketball he will not be […]
Nixa’s Non-chlorinated Water Totally Safe, Sudden Outbreak of Super Heroes/Villains a Total Coincidences
Nixa, MO- A new study shows that Nixa’s drinking water is totally safe even without any disinfections to purify the water. The 75,000 dollar study shows that even though Nixa has a very large water system, its water is totally safe to drink. On a totally unrelated note, a variety of super heroes and foes […]
