All Entries Tagged With: "lol"
Circus Elephant Granted CCW After Drive-By Shooting
Willard, MO – After a drive-by shooting in Mississippi, a circus elephant is now traveling after securing a conceal and carry permit. Two months after being injured in a drive-by shooting, Carol, a 39-year-old Asian elephant hopes to be performing soon. While spending several weeks recovering at a Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey […]
Walmart Eyes Heer’s Building for WalTower
Springfield, MO – Following a legal battle over the near-downtown location of a proposed Walmart Neighborhood store at Grand and Campbell, Walmart officials are now targeting expansion into the historic Heer’s Building on the square. “The building has seen several attempts at development. We are proposing the world’s first multi-story Walmart facility. The high-rise Walmart […]
Criminals Disobeying Gun-Free Zones in Springfield
Springfield, MO – During the past 48 hours, at least 2 incidents have led investigators to believe that armed criminals are not respecting “gun-free” zones. A recent shooting at Southern Hills Shopping Center and an armed robbery at the Battlefield Mall have experts wondering how criminal minds are not understanding the symbolic circle-with-line-crossing-out-a-gun icon has […]
Work Out Art Revealed at Mercy
Springfield, MO – Located on the Mercy campus in Springfield, a new piece of art has been intentionally designed to be dual purpose; a thing of beauty and a machine for making beautiful bodies. The apparatus is available for anyone who chooses to work out and participate in performance art. “We installed the ‘WorkArt’ as […]
Panhandling Parking Meters Installed Downtown
Springfield, MO – City officials have unveiled new talking parking meters to hustle donations for the general public in an attempt to curb aggressive panhandling. The hope is if a panhandler sees a citizen giving to the meter instead of to the panhandler requesting funds, the panhandler will leave, thus reducing the problem. Downtown and […]
Alien Rulers Developed by McKesson
Springfield, MO – The local division of McKesson has received high praise from the UFO Scientific Society for developing a ruler specifically calibrated to accurately measure alien corpses in standard measurement units. The latest example was on display last year when McKesson Alien Measurement tools were used to calculate the approximate size of a foreign […]
Springfield Symphony Names Joel McHale As New Conductor
Springfield, MO – After an intense search, and a months of auditioning conductors, the Springfield Symphony is excited to announce its new conductor/musical director Maestro Joel McHale. McHale (born November 20, 1971) is an American comedian, actor, writer, television producer, television personality, and voice artist. He is best known for hosting The Soup and for […]
State Park Debuts Pontoon Parasailing
Table Rock Lake, MO – Lake enthusiasts are now able to rent a pontoon boat and send daredevils into the sky via a parasail device connected to the back of the boat. State Park Marina began offering the combo package last weekend and interest in rentals has increased by 64%. “We see a lot of […]
Boils Advisory for Ozark, MO
Ozark, MO – A problem with the water has prompted a boils advisory for the City of Ozark. The City says the advisory affects residents who have skin, hair follicles or those who are prone to be near bacteria. According to the city’s website, the advisory is in place to slow the boils spread […]
PEZ Scandal Rocks Youth Baseball
Springfield, MO – Springfield-Greene Count y Park Board will seek to suspend about 20 youth baseball players connected to the area dispensary at the heart of an ongoing pfefferminz-enhancing drug scandal, including 7-year-old Jimmy Blithens and 9-year-old Rickie Newports, possibly within the next few weeks. If the suspensions are upheld, the pfefferminz-enhancing drug scandal would […]
Nation’s First Open Jug Law Enacted in Christian County
Ozark, MO – Caving to pressure from local lobbyist efforts, Christian County has agreed to allow open jugs without penalty starting June 3rd. Influential groups of Ozarkers have been calling for the leniency for years suggesting that native people were being denied their ancestral right to carry around a moonshine jug without fear of […]
Prancercising Man Trampled By Horse
Springfield, MO – A local man attempting to prancercise was run down and trampled by a horse. Witnesses said the horse was horrified that any human would employ “a springy, rhythmic way of moving forward, similar to a horse’s gait” for exercise and immediately bolted toward the man nostrils flared, head down. “I’ve never seen […]
Southwest Flight Disappears Over White Water’s Bermuda Triangle
Branson, MO – Branson Airport authorities, in conjunction with the FAA, have confirmed that Southwest Airlines flight 989 has disappeared near the 76 strip and has most likely fallen victim to the Bermuda Triangle ride situated on the White Water property. The flight was scheduled to land at 4:56 CST, however, the tower lost communication […]
