All Entries Tagged With: "holiday"
Elf Massages Half Off This Week!
Springfield, MO – Tiny Hands Massage & Spa has announced a half off deal for the Elf Massage package that includes at least a dozen elves rubbing down customers with itty-bitty hands and fingers. The package normally runs $120/hour but is being offered at $60/hour as an after Christmas sale. “I’ve had the elf massage. […]
Holiday Homeowners Infected with LED Poisoning
Springfield, MO – An annual family tradition of decorating several lawns with Christmas lights, animated displays and thousands of LED lights to celebrate the holidays and entertain carloads of spectators has been a much anticipated event, however, this year a grim reality prognosis has developed within the family known as a rare form of LED […]
Som-Bitch Soldier Decorations Now Available
Springfield, MO – Som-bitches around the Ozarks can now express their holiday spirit by placing an oversized, blown-up, redneck soldier in their yards. The crop-top wearin’, belly-showing, mustached inflatable is complete with hunting cap and beer can in the left hand. According to the manufacturer Hey Y’all Watch This, consumer demand for a more culturally […]
Hundreds of Birds Protest Thanksgiving with Mass Suicide
Springfield, MO – Hundreds of birds protesting Thanksgiving and the mutilation of millions of innocent turkeys caused quite the scene at Erie and Fremont streets by drinking poisoned Kool-Aid, thus ending their bird lives. Dozens of black carcasses covered the intersection and at one time the dead little bird bodies spelled a message that read […]
Man Resolves to Not Make Resolutions
Springfield, MO – Jackson Henderson has made his intent known to family and friends that he will not be making any New Year’s resolutions this year. In fact, he is steadfast in picking up new bad habits to enhance his life. “Jackson showed up to the New Year’s party smoking cigarettes, chewing tobacco and wearing […]
Tis the Season…but glad it is over!!
It is official; the holidays bring out the worst in us. It used to be a time where folks would greet each other on the street and share good tidings…now, you get in the way, and someone gives you a shot of pepper spray. So, this is who we have become. I suppose nothing has […]
Retailers Greeted with Holiday Spirit
Springfield, MO – Thousands of holiday retail workers were greeted with jeers and cursing while customers attempted to return their unwanted gifts after the holiday season. “Suck on my non-receipt wielding happy buttocks you stubborn mule!” seemed to be the most tame of customers, Randy Umberly, to a Barnes & Noble employee after he was […]
Squash Seized, Slashed, and Smashed for Shocking Samhain Ceremony
Dateline Springfield: Welcome back listeners. That was Macy Wallace with her new jazz hit, “City Lights.” We now interrupt this regularly schedule program with exciting news from Professor Farrell of the Chicago Observatory. Apparently, some explosions on the surface of Mars has jittered many scientist interested in – Hold on… This just in… A […]
Halloween Office Party Was “Totally Crazy”
Springfield, MO- According to several sources, the office Halloween party at McMerchant Accounting Firm was somewhere between “totally crazy” and “off da hook.” The party goers, mostly accountants and executive assistants, all stated they had a wild time that will never be forgotten. “I have such a hang over,” stated accountant Wildfred Marksdale. […]
Fall Postponed To Late November
Springfield, MO- Due to numerous set backs and mistakes Autumn will be coming months later than usual. The ridiculous heat and humidity will continue until after Thanksgiving. The delay is contributed to many factors. The cooler weather was lost in the mail due to a shipping error. The order form for yellow, red, and […]
Retired Playboy Bunnies Arrive for Easter Weekend
Springfield, MO—Retired Playboy Bunnies sprung up this morning across Springfield’s major intersections. The aged gals wore traditional Easter Bunny costumes announcing that the Holy Day was coming as if it were the end of the world. Most passerby’s simply honked in appreciation. One thoroughly surprised traveler was shocked when he stopped his car and […]
Local Man Tries Too Hard on April Fools’ Day
Springfield, MO—Larry Hardy has successfully irritated everyone he came in contact with this first day of April by hoaxing, joking and generally displaying poor taste. His hijinks included a myriad of lies, outrageous claims and semi-serious statements to evoke a small bit of laughter to sooth his self-righteous sense of comedy. “I saw Larry […]
Husbands Realize Valentine’s Day Was Yesterday
Springfield, MO- A collective groan was heard all over Springfield yesterday when hundreds of Ozark area husbands realized that they forgot Valentine’s day. Although the February 14th holidays falls on the same date every year (February 14th) many husbands were befuddled by the fact it was a Monday. “I knew something was up when she […]
Deflated Yard Decorations Terrifying During the Day
Springfield, MO—After the sun goes down Bernard Frinton’s Christmas decorations light up any person’s heart during the holidays, however, during the day the deflated Santa’s, snowmen and mess of lighting is enough to scare any holiday revelers right out of their elf shoes. “We drove by the decorated house today while going to the store […]
Halloween…
I love this time of year…the cool, crisp fall air, the turning of the leaves and, yes, the lone fall holiday…Halloween. Things have changed a bit over the years. This holiday used to be about hanging out with friends and eating candy. These days, it appears that the blood and guts has turned to whores […]
