All Entries Tagged With: "Health"
Tanning Tax Talk Tightens, Wrinkles
Springfield, MO—A looming tax may be applied to tanning salons to foot the bill for healthcare reform. Local owners are preparing for the worst by increasing tanning bed fees by 10% to cover the proposed tax, which could take effect this summer. “I used to think that going to tan was boring, but now that […]
Unknown Energy Sphere Seen Over Springfield
Springfield, MO—Local residents were alarmed yesterday by the presence of a large gaseous sphere hovering over the Ozarks’ skies yesterday. Many Springfieldians reported temporary blindness and momentary confusion while glancing at the heavens. “This is a land of gloom, clouds and semidarkness. We’re not supposed to have exposure to this kind of thing…this sunshine. We […]
Ribbon Cutting Turns Ugly at New School
Springfield, MO—A planned celebration took a turn for the worse today as several children’s hair bows were snipped during the Hickory Hills ribbon cutting ceremony. The planned activities called for school district leaders to cut a gigantic blue ribbon to celebrate the LEED certified educational facility, unfortunately, several children were chased by parents and teachers […]
Show Us Your Teats: Milk Farm Busted
Conway, MO—Last week an undercover sting operation nabbed two crooked felonious outlaws hawking a controlled substance: raw milk. The milk maids nabbed in the months-long operation are charged with the reprehensible crime of selling “raw milk” to two undercover investigators on the parking lot of a Mama Jean’s natural food market. Armand and Teddi Bechard […]
St. John’s Black Friday Sale Discounts Healthcare
Springfield, MO—Early morning Black Friday shoppers lined up to receive up to discounted medical care last week at St. John’s Hospital. Hundreds of shoppers braved the weather camping out all night waiting for the special healthcare deals to kick in at 5 am. “People started lining up at 8 pm the night before, staking their […]
Dr. Brad Bradshaw Adds “Ninja” To Ever Expanding Title
Springfield, MO—Dr. Brad Bradshaw can now claim to be a licensed physician, surgeon, lawyer and ninja. Dr. Bradshaw graduated from medical school, possesses surgical training, specialized training in Internal Medicine and Psychiatry and has received certification in Clinical Obstetrics from Harvard Medical School. However, his newest accolade bestows legendary abilities including invisibility, walking on water, […]
Greenskeeper Wanted on Drug Charges
Springfield, MO—Carl Spackler, former greenskeeper at Bushwood Country Club is wanted in Greene County on a charge of possession of a controlled substance. He also has a misdemeanor warrant. Spackler, 44, is white, 6-foot-4, and 220 pounds, with brown hair and hazel eyes. Spackler may have short-cut hair, rather than the style shown in this […]
Albino Farm to Open Tanning Salon
Springfield, MO—Legendary spook site, the Albino Farm at Springlawn Farm, has a brand new surprise for the area, a tanning salon. Albi-No-More is set to open this Saturday, the 31st. The so-called Albino Farm has for years been notorious in legend for being haunted, by either an albino ghost caretaker, or an albino ghost family, […]
Vaccine Vendors Flourish on “Swine Flu”
Springfield, MO—Street vendors are seeing an increase in business this autumn as the flow of H1N1 vaccine has come to a trickle here in the Ozarks. According to public health officials, doses are now only available via physicians or from hospitals. Those seeking immediate vaccination have turned to the streets, specifically underground vaccine vendors. “H1N1 […]
Doctor Collects Lightning for Experiments at Shrine Mosque
Springfield, MO—Local physician Dr. Fran Kenstine has located his new practice in the basement of the Shrine Mosque and has yet to announce formal office hours or accept any patients. In fact, no one has been seen coming or going from the clinic since it opened earlier this month. “I think he must be working […]
Artwalk’s Blazin’ Brownies are N.O.R.M.L.
Springfield, MO—The Springfield, Missouri branch of The National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws served baked brownies Friday night during Artwalk. Passer-bys were greeted with friendly smiles at the booth and occasional outbursts of chuckles. A spokesperson for the group said, “Through this bake sale we hope to spread awareness of our cause, and […]
Workout Clothes Make Man Look Fat
Springfield, MO—While dressing to prepare for a workout at the south side YMCA, local man Kurt Tressel said, “these workout clothes make me look fat”. Looking fat and feeling fat the man traveled to the workout center in his automobile early Friday morning. While resting his breakfast of champions little black donut package on his […]
H1N1: the New Black Plague
Springfield, MO—The Springfield-Greene County Health Department’s released this week’s health update yesterday. The Fight the Flu Web site has new documents on influenza and asthma, as well as “What to do When you Think You Have the Flu.” The H1N1 update is below. All people who are suspected of having the swine flu, or H1N1, […]
Cider Days’ Scarecrow Village Fight Over Brain
Springfield, MO—Cider Days marks the beginning of fall for most people living within the city limits. This weekend several thousand people will fill Walnut Street and greet the changing season with a cup of apple cider while taking in the arts and crafts native to the Ozarks area. Seldom few will notice the struggle for […]
Hot Chick at ICON Actually Waving to Guy Behind Local Dude
Springfield, MO—Jeremy Childress, local telemarketer, attended ICON Nightclub on Saturday night. Midway through the evening, a hot chick with awesome blonde hair and a short pink dress waved in Childress’ direction. Childress responded by slyly peeking behind him, then twice pointing a finger at his chest while mouthing, “Me?” Surprised, but assured that she was […]
