All Entries Tagged With: "Health"
Work Out Art Revealed at Mercy
Springfield, MO – Located on the Mercy campus in Springfield, a new piece of art has been intentionally designed to be dual purpose; a thing of beauty and a machine for making beautiful bodies. The apparatus is available for anyone who chooses to work out and participate in performance art. “We installed the ‘WorkArt’ as […]
Voters Approve “Spitting Lougies in Public” with “No” Vote
Springfield, MO – The city populace spoke loudly and proudly with a 65% to 35% vote to approve spitting lougies in public, an amendment to the vote against the repeal of the smoking ban restrictions in Springfield. “Lougies were at one time considered rash and boorish behavior, produced only by those citizens most despised by […]
Greene County Health Inspectors Saves Day Again
Springfield, MO- Citizens of the busy metropolis know has Springfield can once again breath easy thanks to the vigilance of Health Inspectors. The group of heroes has been thwarting schemes of various organizations since their founding in 1953. Their first leader, war-hero Rex Kingshot, formed the group after a fallen, radioactive meteor granted him the […]
Success of Hearing Museum on C-Street Spawns New Sensory Museums
Springfield, MO – Tucked away on E. Commercial Street for years, the History of Hearing Museum has been a go to place for aural enthusiasts, from those with hearing-aids to music audio-philes. The gallery contains a treasure trove of hearing technology from by-gone eras. While some may be confused by its name, the History of […]
Precocious Kids Save DARE Program Through “Baked” Sale
Polk County, MO- Due to budget cuts the anti-drug DARE program seemed to be doomed, but thanks to local kids, the program may have new life. Students from all over the Polk County area lent a helping hand to the program by selling numerous baked goods with a special ingredient. “Love,” said 10 year old […]
Sleep…
You get too much and you are groggy…you get too little and you are cranky. Sleeping seems like such a waste of time…most of us sleep 1/3 of our day away. Yet, we have this sort of love-hate relationship with sleep. Likely, we feel pretty good when we lay down and just a few hours […]
Sertoma Cook-Off Tsunami Fart Cloud Warning Issued
Springfield, MO – The National Weather Service of Warning Alerts has issued a level 5 red-hot stinky Fart Cloud Warning effective immediately. The coming Sertoma Chili Cook-off is planned for this weekend and all area citizens are encouraged to take immediate cover to prevent exposure to the terrible anus-produced cloud that is anticipated after the […]
Man Resolves to Not Make Resolutions
Springfield, MO – Jackson Henderson has made his intent known to family and friends that he will not be making any New Year’s resolutions this year. In fact, he is steadfast in picking up new bad habits to enhance his life. “Jackson showed up to the New Year’s party smoking cigarettes, chewing tobacco and wearing […]
Mighty Blue Beacon Lost in Night’s Sky
Springfield, MO – Local ambulances, patients and hospital visitors to St. John’s have had extreme difficulty locating the healthcare institution since the giant illuminated cross has been extinguished atop the structure. The cross served as a beacon of sorts, leading the infirm to a place of healing and hope. “I wandered the black night searching […]
Zombies Offended By MO Dept. of Conservation Hoax
Springfield, MO – Scores of Ozarks walking dead community were offended by the Missouri Department of Conservation this week and their use of an internet hoax aimed to raise awareness around general safety and conservation messages. The hoax involved a fake alert that Missouri is experiencing an invasion of species alert centered around zombies […]
Springfield Dentists to Decide What to Do With 3000 Pulled Teeth
Springfield, MO – After the free dental clinic this weekend local dentist have to decide what to do with nearly 3000 pulled teeth. The dentists are submitting ideas at their super-secret dentist meetings this Thursday in the basement of Richard’s Candy House (which they super secretly own to drum-up more business). The ideas range […]
Public Health Strengthened through Provocative Team Name
Springfield, MO – Recently, “The Poopshooters” joined the Y.M.C.A. co-ed adult basketball league and have been turning more than one head. Consisting entirely of area proctologists, this new team is gaining attention not only by their basketball skills, but by their message. Team captain Dr. Larry Schuler is proud of their little play […]
Springfield Doctors Embrace Fox News Study
Springfield, MO – Patients gathered in waiting rooms across Springfield may be surprised to find out they’re participating in an on-going experiment to measure the short-term effects of watching Fox News Channel. The study requires patients to sit in a waiting room for at least 20 minutes while being exposed to Fox News. When the […]
Hipster Refuses to Remove Beanie, Suffers Heat Stroke
Springfield, MO – A local resident suffered from a heat stroke yesterday because he was too warmly dressed while walking through downtown Springfield in the humid, 99-degree weather. Jacoby Trapper, a known hipster, reportedly “refused to take off his slouch beanie” despite the heat because he “wasn’t some mainstream sell-out.” “He should have at […]
Sweltering Heat Places Ozarks in Slow Motion
Springfield, MO—Extreme temperatures have forced everyday folk to live their lives in an altered state of reality: slow motion. The burdening heat has forced Springfield residents’ movements to lag, speech to slur and general motion to be delayed. Said one local man, Nate Gringer, “Muhh llliiiifffeeee iiiiissss sssssooooo ssssssllllooooowwww” as his mouth struggled to […]
