All Entries Tagged With: "god"
Easter Bunny To Earth’s Children: Stop Stealing my Eggs
Springfield, MO- In a press conference yesterday the Easter Bunny gave a desperate plea to the children of the earth: leave my eggs alone. During the conference he stated how every year he purposely hides his eggs so they can hatch and grow up to be healthy bunnies. “I know you might not know the […]
Sunday School Teacher Sentenced to Life in Hell
Mountain Grove, MO – Douglas County douchebag Brent “Pete” Turley was sentenced to life in Hell by Jesus the Son of Man for his explicit acts upon minors. According to angels, Turley will be required to live eternity in Hell lifting engine blocks tied to his reproductive organ. An especially heinous crime requires an equally […]
God Okay with Idol Worship in the Ozarks
Springfield, MO – Following the performance of American Idol star Kelly Clarkson last night, several Christians converted to Idol worship. The God of the Universe had planned to strike dead all who are partaking in the pagan cult rituals but God finds Clakson’s music just too catchy and herself to be too cheery to destroy […]
CU Water Tower Located Underground Thanks to God Particle
Springfield, MO – The board of public utilities voted to secure an underground location to house a new water tower. The new tower will be housed 3 miles underground northeast of Highland Springs Country Club near Farm Road 189 and U.S. 60. The board appeased objections to residents living both sides of U.S. 65 near […]
Skepticon Leaders Pray for Good Attendance This Weekend
Springfield, MO – Leaders for the atheist group sponsoring the 4th annual Skepticon convention this weekend at the Gillioz are praying to God that they’ll have another good turnout. “Sweet Jesus, please make our event a success,” claimed one leader, hands clasped and kneeling before a makeshift temple of crucifixes and lit candles. For […]
Walmart to Develop Wal-borhoods for More Neighborhood Markets
Springfield, MO – The Bentonville, AR based retail giant Walmart has announced plans to build more neighborhoods in the Ozarks to accommodate their growth plan for the area. Walmart will begin construction on the communities this fall which will allow time to build the Neighborhood Markets to support them by early next year. The […]
Rapture Believers Looking for Jobs
Springfield, MO—Scores of people who believed the Rapture was coming last Saturday are desperately looking for a way to continue their old boring lives. Dozens of people in the Ozarks quit their jobs, spent their savings and were planning to rise up in the sky as of 6pm May 21st. When the earthquakes didn’t […]
Earthquake Evidence Reveals Fable As Fact
Guy, AR – Last nights late evening earthquake rattled may Ozark residents. The USGS reported this was on the magnitude of a 4.7 earthquake. Reports of how far north into Missouri that shock could be felt are sketchy as many Ozarkers may be making up false reports because they don’t want to be left out […]
Artsfest Inspires Precipitation
Springfield—Walnut Street swelled with crowds ready to browse the art filled curbs intent to celebrate spring this past weekend. Tents filled with crafts, paintings and foods align annually at this time of the year to form Artsfest. Unbeknownst to the casual observer, this ritual triggers a predictable climactic change known as “rain”. World-renowned climatologist Dr. […]
Springfield Driver Discovers Turn Signal
SPRINGFIELD — Tuesday morning was just like any other for Jan Worther, until she made a startling discovery. She had just dropped off her two daughters at school and was heading to yoga class in her 2008 Cadillac Escalade along East Battlefield Road. Unexpectedly, a cat ran in front of her car/truck/tank, forcing her to […]
