All Entries Tagged With: "Facebook"
Springfieldians Vote In Record Numbers…On Facebook Polls
Springfield, MO- In a stunning show of the power of democracy a record amount of Springfield citizens showed their love of the democratic process by voting in various elections across the area. Unfortunately the vast majority of the votes were cast in Facebook polls. “I know it is my patriotic duty to cast my vote […]
Google Hipster Car Driving Around SGF
Springfield, MO – In an attempt to battle against Facebook’s purchase of Instagram, Google is planning to release a new ironic view on life in their online maps program. Google’s new Hipster view is planned to be released in early 2013 but Ozarkers are getting an early glimpse at the newest technology used to capture […]
Ozarkians Remember Steve Jobs
Springfield, MO – With the passing of Steve Jobs, the visionary and co-founder of Apple, people from around the Ozarks are remembering his legacy and reflecting on the profound effect he had on their lives. “He made them iThingy’s right?” waxed Norma Grace Dean of Ava, MO, “I seen them once on the television, […]
Springfield’s Employed/Unemployed Use YouTube to Escape Grim Reality
Springfield, MO – Much like the 1930′s, when thousands of unemployed workers took to movie theaters to escape their grim reality of joblessness, thousands of laid off workers use YouTube as a means for modern escapism. Also, the gainfully employed use YouTube just as much to escape their own reality. In fact, according to […]
20 Years…
The big reunion is coming up. The year was 1991 and other than the obvious 40lbs I have gained since my high school graduation, I look a lot like I did back in the day. Of course, things have changed a bit. I haven’t worn a turtle neck under a button down shirt in […]
High School Sweethearts Break Up in College
Springfield, MO – The Facebook relationship statuses of Evan Black and Emily Taylor confirmed today that the two high school sweethearts had broken up. The couple had been together for two years in high school and originally planned on getting married after college, but only managed to last as long as three semesters. Experts […]
Einstein Bros Bagel Company Creates Uranium Enriched Bagel
Springfield, MO- After years of pain-staking research, Einstein Bros Bagel Company finally created its first uranium enriched bagel. The bagel has not only been described as delicious, but also low in fat and high in death; the destroyer of worlds. The bagel is on sale now and is a big hit with numerous demographics. […]
Local Crack Dealers Unnerved By Prostitution Ring Bust
Springfield, MO – With the recent big bust of a local prostitution ring at the much-heralded eyesore Landmark Building, some local crack dealers took the opportunity to chime in on the situation. “I tell you what, it’s a damn shame, the way this neighborhood has gone to the dogs,” said a dealer who goes only […]
Fair City News Regresses in Technology
Springfield, MO—Local satire news publication Fair City News has regressed in technology going from online blog format to the printed press. The move was made 12 months ago and readers seem to have embraced the failure in tech-forward movement. “I personally thought the move to print was great, I always need a worthless rag to […]
AgroMix Ozarks Fails To Deliver
Nixa, MO—It seemed like the perfect business plan in the red-hot social media boom, but a Nixa man’s agriculture-themed photo sharing site folded today, mere hours after its initial public offering failed to draw a single investor. “She’s as stillborn as a two-headed calf,” bemoaned LarryEarl Smith, founder and creator of the now defunct AgroMix […]
Brad & Angelina See Mark & Dorothy in SGF
Springfield, MO—According to sources, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie saw Mark and Dorothy out around town. Mark & Dorothy, or Marthy, as they are commonly known as a couple, were seen at such locations as Barnes and Noble on Battlefield Street, Kai on South Campbell and Pizza House on Commercial Street. Pitt said, “OMG, I […]
Where are the drivers? A basic dissertation with basic motivation…
Dissertation: As I left my house early one Sunday morning, I drove by one of the many establishments of ill repute here in Springfield and, as usual, I saw a number of automobiles left behind. Remnants, no less, of a good time gone bad and a sign that there will be patrons coming back on […]
Snuggies Allowed in R-12 Classrooms
Springfield MO - In an effort to reduce energy costs in the Springfield public schools, all teachers will be wearing the popular “Snuggie” in the classroom. “We recently sent out a memorandum stating that due to high energy consumption, personal space heaters, coffee makers, refrigerators, popcorn makers, and microwave ovens will no longer be allowed […]
Bijan’s Closing = Heartache, End to Pronunciation Debate
Springfield, MO—A Facebook post, tweet, e-mail news release, sky writing, and drunk-text from 417 Magazine confirmed late today that local eatery Bijan’s is closed for good. Local eater of food Shantal Johnson told us, through tears of shock, “I never actually ate there, but my boyfriend and I loved arguing over whether it was “Bee-Janns” […]
Lady Gaga To Headline Annual I Love America Celebration
Springfield, MO – James River Assembly stunned local church watchers today announcing Lady Gaga as the headliner for next years’ I Love America annual celebration. A volunteer spokesperson for the Super-Center sized church said, “Lady Gaga was snatched from the jaws of drug addition by her dearly beloved dead Aunt Joanne and she has a […]
