All Entries Tagged With: "Earth"
“Huge Asteroid No Threat to Earth” Laughs, Running and Screaming Astronomers
Springfield, MO – Local astronomers are claiming that the large asteroid flying in nearly the same orbit as Earth will make a close pass by the planet, but there’s no chance of an impact. Several astronomers at Baker Observatory, Ozarks Amateur Astronomers Club (OAAC) confirmed that claim while packing several cases of survival food packages […]
Mother Nature to Missouri: Is That Enough Water For You, You Babies?
Springfield, MO- With rain seemingly falling constantly for a period of days, many Ozarkians are wondering why this rain could not come earlier to relieve the drought ridden summer. In yesterday’s press conference Mother Nature was very direct in her answer. “You whiners complained about no rain all summer. Well, you want some water? Here […]
Earthlings Overlook Earth Day
Springfield, MO – Most people overlooked the Earth Day celebration in the Ozarks however many took specific actions to impact their direct effect on our local ecosystem. Loni Urtangers said, “I thought long and hard while I showered for 2 hours trying to come up with something I could do to better the environment, then […]
Sertoma Cook-Off Tsunami Fart Cloud Warning Issued
Springfield, MO – The National Weather Service of Warning Alerts has issued a level 5 red-hot stinky Fart Cloud Warning effective immediately. The coming Sertoma Chili Cook-off is planned for this weekend and all area citizens are encouraged to take immediate cover to prevent exposure to the terrible anus-produced cloud that is anticipated after the […]
2,000 People Got They Grillz Did
Springfield, MO – Over 200 dentist banded together last week to provide fake gold teeth, removable gold grills, platinum teeth, and gold grillz to hundreds of Missourians who otherwise might not have been able to afford them. Many people waited as long as 22 hours outside the Ozark Empire Fairgrounds in hopes of […]
Stock Collapse Predicted by Mayan Calendar
Springfield, MO—The Maya calendar, a system of calendars and almanacs used in the Maya civilization of pre-Columbian Mesoamerica, and in some modern Maya communities in highland Guatemala and Oaxaca, Mexico correctly predicted the bloody nosedive of stocks on the US market yesterday. According to researchers, “the evidence was there the whole time we just […]
Rapture Believers Looking for Jobs
Springfield, MO—Scores of people who believed the Rapture was coming last Saturday are desperately looking for a way to continue their old boring lives. Dozens of people in the Ozarks quit their jobs, spent their savings and were planning to rise up in the sky as of 6pm May 21st. When the earthquakes didn’t […]
The Zodiac Sells Out
SPRINGFIELD, MO—The earth’s alignment has changed and so have the dates assigned to zodiac signs. “We’ve known about this for awhile,” admitted Parke Funkle, official spokesperson for the American Coalition of Astrologers (ACA) and vice president of Dudes with Weird Names (DWN). “It was time for a change, horoscopes just weren’t selling like they used […]
Lunar Eclipse Gives Eclips Salon Boost
Springfield, MO—Recently, local hair studio Eclips has seen a huge surge of interest given the lunar Eclipse occurring this week. The hair-cuttery has even fielded requests for a special lunar deal. The strange coincidence between the similar names has given new attention to the salon. “I think if we bring in a picture of the […]
Wednesday Weather Chart = Trippy Forecast
Springfield, MO—A local newsman blew several viewers minds by showing a radar screen filled with psychedelic images symbolizing Wednesday’s weather patterns. Cries of “whoa”, “maaaaan” and “dude” were heard in living rooms across the Ozarks. One viewer, Moonbeam Johnston said, “I saw like a beautiful unicorn soar across the sky during the weather report and […]
Global Warming Dethawed by “Going Black”
Springfield, MO— Citizens are banding together in a grassroots movement to toss aside their “Green” lifestyles in favor of “Going Black” to encourage global warming and increase local temperatures. Sub arctic temperatures have terrorized Southwest Missouri, welcoming snow and ice that has caused discomfort, irritation and a general lack of production. Ozarkers are welcoming global […]
Giant Hanging “L” Seen Over Skies
Springfield, MO—Residents were panicked to see a giant floating letter in the sky this past weekend. A large capital “L” was reportedly seen with occasionally triangle shaped unidentified objects. “I saw the UFOs coming over the sky and I was just certain that aliens were coming back to claim their planet Earth they abandoned 5000 […]
