All Entries Tagged With: "Christmas"
Som-Bitch Soldier Decorations Now Available
Springfield, MO – Som-bitches around the Ozarks can now express their holiday spirit by placing an oversized, blown-up, redneck soldier in their yards. The crop-top wearin’, belly-showing, mustached inflatable is complete with hunting cap and beer can in the left hand. According to the manufacturer Hey Y’all Watch This, consumer demand for a more culturally […]
Tis the Season…but glad it is over!!
It is official; the holidays bring out the worst in us. It used to be a time where folks would greet each other on the street and share good tidings…now, you get in the way, and someone gives you a shot of pepper spray. So, this is who we have become. I suppose nothing has […]
Retailers Greeted with Holiday Spirit
Springfield, MO – Thousands of holiday retail workers were greeted with jeers and cursing while customers attempted to return their unwanted gifts after the holiday season. “Suck on my non-receipt wielding happy buttocks you stubborn mule!” seemed to be the most tame of customers, Randy Umberly, to a Barnes & Noble employee after he was […]
Rest on 7, Rests 24/7
Springfield, MO – Owner of the Rest on 7 mattress shop on Independence street has decided to close shop permanently citing a need to rest every day, all day long. “Being in business is hard. Taking customer orders, donating a portion of that to ‘charity’, and working 6 days a week takes its toll on […]
Halloween Office Party Was “Totally Crazy”
Springfield, MO- According to several sources, the office Halloween party at McMerchant Accounting Firm was somewhere between “totally crazy” and “off da hook.” The party goers, mostly accountants and executive assistants, all stated they had a wild time that will never be forgotten. “I have such a hang over,” stated accountant Wildfred Marksdale. […]
Springfield Stocks Up
Springfield MO.- With bad weather arriving and more on the way the citizens of Springfield do not want to be caught “out in the cold.” Grocery stores have reported that people have been coming in and buying the basics to get them through the hard times. “Our sales almost triple when bad weather is predicted.”, […]
“Safe Place” Signs Scare Locals
Springfield, MO—Springfield residents have been avoiding locations that display signs with the “Safe Place” logo, which features a large yellow creature sneaking up behind and grabbing another person. “I’m not going anywhere near those signs,” said resident, Julie Watterson, “I don’t want to be grabbed.” Like Watterson, most people have interpreted the logo to mean […]
Brad & Angelina See Mark & Dorothy in SGF
Springfield, MO—According to sources, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie saw Mark and Dorothy out around town. Mark & Dorothy, or Marthy, as they are commonly known as a couple, were seen at such locations as Barnes and Noble on Battlefield Street, Kai on South Campbell and Pizza House on Commercial Street. Pitt said, “OMG, I […]
Man Finds Nephew Less Annoying this Christmas
Branson, MO – Local uncle Kevin Pollard has discovered an unexpected gift this holiday season: his sister’s son, Skyler, is slightly less annoying than he was this time last year. In past years Pollard has experienced anxiety during family visits due to what some call Small Relative Stress Disorder (SRSD). “I’m just not really good […]
MAN DOES CHRISTMAS SHOPPING WITHOUT GOING TO THE MALL
Springfield MO – The friends and family of Springfield resident John Dinkleman were shocked recently when he proudly announced that he had finished his Christmas shopping weeks ago without having setting foot in the Battlefield Mall. “Yep, it’s true.”, boasted Dinkleman. “Got er all done without having to go to the Mall. Heck, I haven’t […]
Deflated Yard Decorations Terrifying During the Day
Springfield, MO—After the sun goes down Bernard Frinton’s Christmas decorations light up any person’s heart during the holidays, however, during the day the deflated Santa’s, snowmen and mess of lighting is enough to scare any holiday revelers right out of their elf shoes. “We drove by the decorated house today while going to the store […]
Candidates Continue Running Negative Ads for Spite
Springfield, MO- Although the election ended weeks ago, candidates are still running negative ads for seemingly nothing more than mean-spirited malice. The ads are not only attacking the person’s politics, but personal issues and fabrications. The ads can be seen ad naseum at various time slots and stations. One Carnahan ad states: “Roy Blunt is […]
Holy Spirit Guides Drunk Home on Christmas
Springfield, MO—Local business man George Humphrey claims the Holy Spirit guided him home after an hours long drinking binge this past Christmas. “It was a miracle that I made it the 30 miles home, I was slamming beers, ripping shots and poppin’ pills like Amy Winehouse. Fortunately, sweet Jesus took the wheel when I headed […]
Slim Pickin’ for Parking Spots
Springfield, MO—This holiday season Ozarkers are “pickin’ parking spots” aggressively. Employment of this new method of securing the perfect parking spot in crowded store lots includes use of abusive language, obscene gestures and if needed a common ice pick. Drivers have been seen patrolling lots for several minutes waiting for a prime parking location near […]
Christmas Spirit Sucks Power, Causes Traffic Congestion While Annoying Neighbors
Springfield, MO—The Christmas spirit has once again affected neighborhood congestion and increased neighbor frustration as Jimmy Kilroy plasters his home and lawn with thousands of holiday lights. Every Christmas, Kilroy spends months decorating his exterior with festive animatronics, hanging hundreds of twinkling light strands and choreographing them to holiday music. Locals flock to Kilroy’s street […]
