All Entries Tagged With: "Business"
Auto Magic Turns Subaru into Mercedes
Springfield, MO—A car wash customer has witnessed a modern-day miracle at a local wash-rinse-and-go business. Luell Johnagain drove his 1989 Subaru GL AWD Turbo Wagon and drove off with a Mercedes V10 Quad Turbo with a body made of white gold. All who witnessed the automotive magic were stunned and left in utter disbelief. According […]
Devil Scorpion Turn Ahead
Springfield, MO—Tuesday a motorist encountered a strange street sign and became confused as to the signs intentions. Jill Montery said, “It looked like there was a strange devil scorpion warning sign. I just did a quick u-turn and avoided the street altogether. I don’t like those nasty tailed lizards.” Others have found the sign to […]
New Ziggie’s Opens in Basement
Springfield, MO—According to sources, a new Ziggie’s restaurant has opened in the basement of Randolph Heckerson’s home at 2348 S. Tucker. The new location will feature the same trademark menu and atmosphere as existing restaurants currently in operation around the Ozarks. According to Heckerson he found the business after returning home from work as an […]
XXL Shirtle Wreck
Webster County, MO—After overturning, a t-shirt toting tractor-trailer spilled its load on Interstate 44 blocking the westbound lanes with garments imprinted with witty phrases emblazoned in a variety of interesting and hard-to-read fonts. The Missouri Department of Transportation reported finding thousands of shirts with messages proclaiming, “That’s What She Said”, “What Wouldn’t Jesus Do?” and […]
Stone County Tornado Caller
Abesville, MO—Emergency management executives in Stone County will soon hire a Tornado Caller once the aging, expensive-to-maintain tornado/storm sirens are removed June 1st. The county says the existing sirens are too expensive to maintain and “having Ol’ Lou make the rounds in his pick ‘em up truck a hollerin’ a folks” will be much more […]
Evangel Guards Go Beyond God’s Armor
Springfield, MO— Evangel is the first university in the Ozarks to add lethal weaponry to their arsenal of first line defenders. For years the university had relied upon pieces of God’s Armor for protection, however, now the security officers are allowed to pack man-made heat. The University first bestowed crime-fighting technology upon its protection force […]
Greene County Emergency Services Readies for Worldwide Boobquake Hysteria
By Snawt T. Buble Springfield, MO—Preparing for the worst but hoping for the best, Greene County Emergency Management (GCEM) personnel are taking no chances as the world readies for the possibility of an enormous boobquake. Predicted by an Iranian cleric and amateur seismologist Sedighi, boobquakes are known to happen when women show too much cleavage. […]
Cauliflower Bank Opens
Springfield, MO—A new vault of sorts has opened on the south side of town, one that allows customers to stockpile vegetables of a certain variety, specifically cauliflower. The new cauliflower bank sprung up as a resource for food stockpiling and is sponsored by AGCU and features a huge stalk of cauliflower as the logo. “The […]
Nonstop Flights Hold Passengers Captive
Branson, MO—Branson Airport has added two new nonstop flights that never stop. Branson AirExpress, operated by ExpressJet Airlines, will operate the nonstop flights May 17th. The nonstop flights are a first for the airport which usually operates between destinations. Offering nonstop flights comes with unique requirements such as mid-air refueling and restocking of supplies. The […]
Tindle Mills Demolition Smells Familiar
Springfield, MO—A local dog food factory’s destruction is releasing a nasty fragrance not experienced since the operation was producing smelly dog food. Tindle Mills was known regionally for emitting a foul sulfur odor while in production, a smell now revived by the buildings’ demise. “Once we started tearing down that tower it released a gaseous […]
Depends Offered at Branson Zipline
Branson, MO—Zipping thru the trees on a zipline has a new benefit this month: free adult diapers to the first 200 customers. According to sources at Branson Zipline and Canopy Tours, every person whizzing through the air, hundreds of feet above the ground will be given a free pair of Depend Adult Diapers. “Our customers […]
New Signs Promote New Sign Locations
Springfield, MO—City officials hope that new signs located around town will better inform citizens on the best place to find new signs. Originally meant to point tourists to locations such as Bass Pro Shops, Battlefield Mall and Commercial Street, the new wayfarer signs will instead point to new sign locations. “We were so proud of […]
Wal-Mart Replaces Greeters with Chimpanzees
Boliver, MO – Negative customer feedback has led Wal-Mart to begin replacing door greeters with trained Chimpanzees. “In test studies, we found that the chimps were seen as more friendly and could respond more quickly and expertly to customer concerns than the current door greeters,” said Wal-Mart public manipulations representative Sanford Serifftico. Chimps will also […]
AT&T’s Customers To Pay Legal Fines, Fees
Springfield, MO—According to AT&T procedures, the excessivie fines incurred by the loss of $7.45 million to the City of Springfield for back taxes and attoryney’s fees will be paid for by customer fee hikes. “Alexander Grahm Bell always said we should tax our customers whenever we fail to live up to our business obligations,” said […]
Ozarks Reportedly Forced Into Time Warp
Springfield, MO—Local residents were reportedly forced into a strange and unexpected time warp Sunday which may be linked to an ancient tradition of sun worship. Several residents experienced the movement of time and space by exactly one hour. “I woke up and started getting ready when I noticed that my phone and computer clocks were […]
