All Entries Tagged With: "Business"
Long’s Pedicurist Leaks Reelection Slogan
Springfield, MO—In the wake of the November 2 election, Billy Long’s camp has wasted no time in putting together a plan for his reelection campaign. According to a woman who identifies herself as Long’s pedicurist, Long will abandon his extremely popular “Fed Up?” slogan in 2012. The pedicurist, who would like to remain nameless, claims […]
City Residents To Get Porta-Potties
Springfield MO—In an effort to help the city of Springfield make money when people use the toilet, Porta-Potties will soon be in everyone’s front yards. “The city loses money every time someone flushes the toilet,” commented City Manager Greg Burris. “We did not want to dump on another tax increase to people even though we […]
“Siht-&-Stay” Opens at Kum & Go
Springfield, MO – Kum & Go, a national gasoline chain, published a press release detailing plans to open a new chain of dog training stores, the “Siht-&-Stay”. The idea struck a senior executive officer within the company when he decided to forego the company motto and stay at one of their stores for more than […]
New Fountain Erupts in Downtown Springfield
Springfield, MO—A refreshing addition to the downtown entertainment ambiance will be unveiled at the next First Friday Artwalk—the Fountains of Downtown. The Fountains of Downtown promises to mesmerize admirers with its amazing display of water, music and light thoughtfully interwoven into an astonishing display of art. Breathing new life into the downtown scene has been […]
McDonald’s Squawk Box Changes Voice
Nixa, MO—According to reports, a person with multiple personalities is working the drive thru at McDonald’s in Southwest Missouri. Leonard Hillary, a local customer, claims that every time he visits the McDonald’s located on HWY 14 near US 160 the person asking for his order uses two different voices. “I pulled up and this woman […]
SGF City Council Stares at Goats
Springfield MO—People that hope to raise chickens in their backyards may soon have goats to go along with them. An attempt to allow the citizens of Springfield to have two goats on their property is being sponsored by Tom Tuttle, president of the Ozark Goat Ropers Club. “With all this newfound evidence of growing and […]
CityZip Downtown Zipline Opens at Heer’s Building
Springfield, MO—The home of cashew chicken, diverging diamond traffic lanes and the world’s biggest outdoors sporting goods store now has another first—a downtown zip line. CityZip has opened inside the Heer’s Building adding another exciting attraction to the Ozarks. “Zip lines are really popular now, so I’m glad to see that trend available for us […]
First Airport Diverging Diamond Runways Opens
Springfield, MO—Just a month after completing the second diverging diamond intersection in Springfield at National Ave. and James River Freeway, city and airport officials held a ribbon cutting on Monday to celebrate the “first-in-the-nation” diverging diamond runways at the Springfield Branson National Airport. The $22 million dollar project is being hailed by city officials as […]
Rates: CU Ups Yours
Springfield Mo.- Due to a proposed utility rate increase of up to 23% by October 2013, some residents of Springfield have threaten to disconnect services from City Utilities. “I have had it with all the rate hikes. I’m not paying CU another dime,” commented Joe Natureback a soon to be ex-CU customer. “I’m gonna dig […]
Ice Cream Man, Dentists in Cahoots?
Springfield, MO—According to sources, one particular ice cream man, identified as Dave, has been setting up shop outside a local dentist office, apparently trying to rot potential patients’ teeth. “Y’know it looks real suspicious when the local dentist’s office has an ice cream man parked out front. I know times are hard, but to peddle […]
Bus Driver Quits, Exits Via Bus Ramp
Springfield, MO—Career bus driver Lou Stitall was charged with criminal mischief, reckless endangerment, and trespassing after an argument with a passenger led to an apparent meltdown on Campbell Avenue. Authorities said Stitall dropped several f-bombs on the City Utilities bus’ loudspeaker, grabbed two smokes, then deployed the bus’ emergency ramp, and took off. According to […]
Branson’s Carnie Tax Credit Attracts Circuses
Branson, MO—The City of Branson is starting to reap the benefits of the recent “Carnie” tax credit and designation of the Carnie Enterprise Zone (CEZ) in Taney County. These incentives have allowed businesses to take advantage of city tax credits and deductions not available to businesses elsewhere. Those who have recently benefitted from the CEZ […]
Local Businesses Fail At Basic Spelling Skills
Springfield, MO—Due to a report by the National Spelling Agency, NSA, Springfield area businesses do not have a basic mastery of spelling skills. Some examples of incorrect spelling include “Krispy Kreme’s Dounuts”, “Kum and Go”, “Medicine Shoppe”, and “Cheezies’ Pizza”. The NSA demands that the businesses correct the spelling, pay a fine, or be destroyed. […]
Dogs Benefit From New Hydrant Color
Springfield, MO—Neighborhood dogs are getting an upgrade that no one would have expected thanks to local firefighters efforts to make fire hydrants more visible. Teams are currently working to repaint all 7,000 hydrants with a brighter, more reflective paint, which will improve urinal locations for all canines. “I’m just so excited that the City is […]
Nelly Claims Grand Palace Too “Hot in Herre”
Branson, MO—Cornell Haynes, Jr., better known as Nelly, had planned to perform an outdoor concert in the Grand Palace parking lot August 21st before the City of Branson turned down a permit for the event. Having visited the Grand Palace, Nelly claimed the theatre was “getting hot in here” and preferred to have an outdoor […]
