All Entries Tagged With: "breaking"
Branson’s “Number Ones” Raided
Branson, MO - Fourteen Branson theaters learned that the Federal Trade Commission’s Division of Advertising Practices have been conducting an investigation into their advertising practices when they were raided by agents on Monday morning shutting down most matinees. While the federal investigators refuse to comment on the nature of the investigation, two theater owners requesting anonymity, […]
College Station Gravel Museum Celebrates Seven Year Anniversary
Springfield, MO – Touted as one of the premiere gravel museums in the world, College Station Gravel Museum in downtown Springfield, plans to celebrate tonight with an open house free to the public. “It’s hard to imagine that it has been seven years,” says curator, Scott Fillmen. “When we opened back in 2007 our goal […]
LEGO® Releases Hammons Tower Set
Springfield, MO – Designed by a LEGO fan, the new LEGO Hammons Tower (77053) will be available for purchase this spring. Creator Matt Plither, a Springfield native, submitted the design to LEGO CUUSOO, a site where LEGO designers can submit projects, gains supporters and receive royalties if a product concept is chosen for production. Plither’s […]
Springfield Town Leaders Call “Hit” On Old Man Winter
Springfield, MO- With winter weather once again looming over Springfield, many city officials are turning to desperate measures to assure their town will not be in another icy abyss. During an emergency meeting Superintendent Norm Ridder (sick of so many snow days) and Mayor Bob Stevens decided to use government assets to fund various hit men and bounty hunters to “take care of” Old Man Winter. “Sure $100,000 is quite a […]
City Hails New Super Hero: Mr. Hot Legs
Springfield, MO – A new super hero, known as Mr. Hot Legs, revealed himself yesterday by saving 2 women stranded in a frozen lake after their vehicle slid off a neighborhood road. According to the police report the man realized that action was needed immediately and he used his super human power of “warm legs” […]
Springfield Create Elite “Over Due Books” Task Force
Springfield, MO – With a country in crippling debt, many Springfield politicians are finding ways to make sure their city does not fall into the same trap. Luckily Springfield officials found a veritable money pit sapping funds from the otherwise tight budget: overdue library books. “We are losing hundreds of dollars a decade on this […]
River of Cashew Chicken Gravy Discovered Beneath Downtown Springfield!
Springfield, MO – Culinary scientists have recently uncovered a rare and fantastic discovery running beneath the streets of downtown Springfield: a river of cashew chicken gravy! The discovery was made following a recent sinkhole collapse near South and Park Central Streets. The cavern is now opened to a depth of 30’ where a steady stream […]
Murder Story Followed By Happy Weather Report
Springfield, MO – In recent news, a horrible story regarding one person murdering another person was quickly follow up by a snappy upbeat weather report! Weather is commonly used to soften the blow to viewers after an unsavory piece of bad information is shared. News teams have relied upon the weather to transition from gruesome […]
AT&T Outage Allows People to Enjoy Lives
Springfield, MO – A regional cellphone outage tied to a national U-verse problem allowed Ozarkians the opportunity to toss their mobile phone for a few hours, free from connectivity to the outside world. “I love AT&T for this outage. I finally had time to listen to my husband instead of zoning out on my phone. […]
Sunday School Teacher Sentenced to Life in Hell
Mountain Grove, MO – Douglas County douchebag Brent “Pete” Turley was sentenced to life in Hell by Jesus the Son of Man for his explicit acts upon minors. According to angels, Turley will be required to live eternity in Hell lifting engine blocks tied to his reproductive organ. An especially heinous crime requires an equally […]
Pink Pony, Purple Burrito Collide: Pink-ish-Purple Pony Burrito Formed
Springfield, MO – In a strange and unexplained coincidence the Pink Pony and Purple Burrito have merged forces to produce a Pink-ish-Purple Pony Burrito available this week to the Ozarks. The Pink-ish-Purple Pony Burrito is a hybrid. Part food, part food porn, the 215-pound edible monstrosity comes complete with a stripper jumping out of the […]
DRURY BUYS MSU’S EXCESS WATER
Springfield MO.- Drury University announced today that it will purchase water from Missouri State University for 30 years at a price of 12 million dollars per year. Apparently MSU can afford to sell off its excess water since filtered water stations have sprung up all over campus. Water researchers have indicated that more of […]
OCCUPY SPRINGFIELD OCCUPIES HERITAGE CAFETERIA
Springfield, MO – Hungry, short on options, and fatigued from shouldering their pithy posters, The General Assembly of Occupy Springfield has made the decision to occupy the Heritage Cafeteria on Battlefield Road during store hours, Monday through Saturday. Gladys Spock, provisional spokesperson for the local chapter of the national movement, cited several reasons why […]
