All Entries Tagged With: "Barack Obama"
Claire McCaskill Plays Hooky From DNC
St. Petersburg, MO- Claire McCaskill decided to play hooky with her friends than go to the “totally boring” snooze feast of the DNC. Senior members of the democratic party are very disappointed in the irresponsible actions of the precocious youth. Claire was not available for comment and allegedly causing mischief all over the Ozarks. The […]
McCaskill raises $2.6 million, Will Use For Ad Blitz, Mailers, Giant Mech Suit
Springfield, MO- Claire McCaskill has had a good fund raising year. With raising 2.6 million in the second quarter, and now having 3.6 million in the bank she is ready to take on a formidable GOP opponent in November. The money will be used for various political tools such as: television airtime for a media […]
Casinos Eye Indian Ridge Auction
Branson, MO – Several groups have expressed interest in cultivating the land known as Indian Ridge into a world-class casino located in the heartland; the land goes on auction soon and several buyers are preparing their top-dollar bids. “Our people have been cultivating this land for centuries,” said Little Big Hand, an American Native who […]
Nobody To Vote For…Bummer
I proclaim that none of the top candidates running for the GOP nomination are electable. Mitt Romney, while currently leading the pack, seems to say all the wrong things at all the wrong times and his condescending demeanor at the debates makes me want to give this guy the kind of wedgie you don’t recover […]
Couple Reaches Personal Debt Ceiling Agreement
Springfield, MO—Jerry and Trisha Thumbolt reached an historic agreement this week on a compromise to raise their new personal debt ceiling limit in exchange for more than $200,000 in long-term spending cuts. Mr. Thumbolt emphatically passed the emergency legislation Tuesday to avoid a first-ever Thumbolt family default, rushing the legislation to Mrs. Thumbolt for […]
Tea Party Rally at Party Cove
Anderson Hollow Cove, MO—To further the cause of the Tea Party, members decided to congregate at Lake of the Ozarks this summer to protest against government annoyances and oversights. Local Tea Party organizers always heard that Party Cove was a place where individual freedom is respected and Party Cove people are more open-minded that […]
Obama’s Unicorns to Clean Joplin
Joplin, MO—President Obama visited the tornado-ravaged, Jasper County town this week to offer handshakes, hugs and federal assistance in the form of his magical herd of unicorns. As the President spoke to a crowd of a few hundred people whimsical fairies flew from his coattails and spread pixie dust over those gathered. As the […]
Graduation Recessional Will Lead Directly to Unemployment Line
Springfield, MO- To save time, money and hope, all college and high school graduations will end with the graduates walking directly into the unemployment line. With the recession still looming over many industries, Missouri colleges and high schools thought it best to “cut out the middle man” and send the graduates directly to government […]
Nixa Hellhound Releases Birth Certificate
Nixa, MO—After years of speculation and conspiracy, Paul the Nixa Hellhound, released his original long-form birth certificate yesterday in an attempt to prove that he exists. No known persons had asked for the paperwork, yet it appeared online early in the day. “Paul wants the record to be set straight regarding his existence. He […]
Bitter Old Miser Shown True Meaning of President’s Day
Springfield, MO- Edgar Scrumb, owner of Scrum Mortgage and Loan, was taught a valuable lesson about caring, giving, and the true meaning of President’s Day by three spirits. Edgar’s horrify night started after telling his employees they have to work on President’s day. That night he was visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln and […]
Man Finds Nephew Less Annoying this Christmas
Branson, MO – Local uncle Kevin Pollard has discovered an unexpected gift this holiday season: his sister’s son, Skyler, is slightly less annoying than he was this time last year. In past years Pollard has experienced anxiety during family visits due to what some call Small Relative Stress Disorder (SRSD). “I’m just not really good […]
Billy Long Cardboard Cutout Agrees to Debate
Springfield MO - After weeks of negotiations between the seventh congressional candidates, Billy Long has agreed to a question and answer session between himself and his democratic opponent Scott Eckersly. The date for the event is scheduled for November 1st, one day before the election. According to the terms of the debate, sources have indicated […]
Traffic Cones Outnumber Ozarks Population 3:1
Springfield, MO—Recent statistics show that for every Ozark inhabitant, three highway cones exist. The rise in traffic cone population is directly related to the numerous construction projects occurring around the area. Missouri Department of Transportation officials confirm that approximately 500,000 cones exist within Springfield city limits. Citizens are allowed to take the allotted cones once […]
Obama Speech Warps Kids’ Minds to Think Independently
Springfield, MO—After hearing President Obama’s speech today, Ozarks children’s minds were warped to the point of thinking independently. The speech has caused a buzz around the area as some parents said they worried that the president is seeking to deliver a political message to young people so that their brainwashing efforts might be thwarted. Local […]
McCaskill Forum Solves Healthcare Issues
Springfield, MO—During a town hall meeting in downtown Springfield, Missouri Sen. Claire McCaskill solved a proposed government-run health insurance plan with the help of well-spoken, vocal citizens at the historic Gilloiz theater. “I came to the conclusion that we could offer a program that would satisfy the needs of everyone in attendance. I cannot wait […]
