All Entries in the "News" Category
Fall Postponed To Late November
Springfield, MO- Due to numerous set backs and mistakes Autumn will be coming months later than usual. The ridiculous heat and humidity will continue until after Thanksgiving. The delay is contributed to many factors. The cooler weather was lost in the mail due to a shipping error. The order form for yellow, red, and […]
College Students Inconvenienced By Classes
Springfield, MO- With college classes starting this week, many college students dread the fast pace rat race of academia. Many of the students, being out school since May, know they will have trouble getting back to the flow of lectures, labs, and extracurricular activities. “I can’t believe we have to go back already,” states […]
Bullies Look Forward To Start of School Year
Springfield, MO- Numerous bullies around the Springfield area are very excited to start the new school year. During the summer the bullies have had to make do with harassing neighborhood kids, small animals, siblings, weak step-parents, and cabbage patch dolls. But, now with school starting the bullies can really hone their craft and perfect […]
Billy Long Jumps Into Presidential Race; Causes 5.8 Earthquake
Springfield, MO – According to members of his staff, US Congressman Billy Long has jumped into the Presidential Race with both feet, triggering a terrifying and destructive 5.8 magnitude earthquake in Washington, D.C. this week. “When I heard Billy Long was now it the race, my whole body shook with fear,” said Norma Henkly who […]
Republic Schools Ban “Ungodly” Phone Books
Republic, MO – By a decisive vote of 4-0 the Republic school board decided to ban all phone books from their schools due to the “offensive and ungodly” contents found within. The decision came as a complete shock to all sane people but seemed perfectly acceptable to those who supported the board’s recent decision […]
Banned Book Becomes Top-Seller in Republic
REPUBLIC (MO) – Two books, “Slaughterhouse Five” by Kurt Vonnegut and “Twenty Boy Summer” by Sarah Ockler, have been banned from Republic High School’s curriculum and library. This decision was inspired by complaints from Missouri State University associate professor of management, Les Scoggins, who claims that the books contain material too shocking for […]
Local Bar Adds Kids Area
Springfield MO.- The Boom Boom Room, a bar on North Glenstone Street, announced today it will add a play area for kids to enjoy while their adult guardians sit in the bar and get hammered. The play area will be a 1987 Ford Bronco that won’t start but will feature coloring books to give children […]
MSU’s SOAR Tour a Grim Death March Due To Heat
Springfield, MO- Due to the incredible heat, MSU’s SOAR tours are transformed into grim death marches. The tours (to show upcoming freshmen where various campus buildings are located) are usually a pleasurable experience to the anxious pre-fresh, but now are seen as a hellish decent into the bowels of an inferno. “I am so excited […]
Jesus returns, brings lawsuit against the Tea Party for Slander
The Son of God finally returned today but surprisingly it wasn’t rapture related. Rather than appearing in the sky with a herald of trumpeting angels his return was much less dramatic. He showed up at the Greene County courthouse with his attorney Bob “Chewie” Chewhauser in tow to file papers against the Tea Party for […]
COPS shot in SGF
Springfield, MO—Witnesses claim that camera crews for the television show COPS was in town this past week riding with local law enforcement giving local peeps the opportunity to claim their own fame. According to police radio reports, at least six people had claimed that their “refrigerator was running”, 23 claims said folks were making […]
Tea Party Rally at Party Cove
Anderson Hollow Cove, MO—To further the cause of the Tea Party, members decided to congregate at Lake of the Ozarks this summer to protest against government annoyances and oversights. Local Tea Party organizers always heard that Party Cove was a place where individual freedom is respected and Party Cove people are more open-minded that […]
“BBC” and “CBC” Combine Into New “CBCBCB”
Springfield, MO – In a move to become more efficient, the Board of Governors for Baptist Bible College (BBC) and Central Bible College (CBC) voted unanimously to consolidate resources by merging into the larger CBCBCB. This act will save the two institutions millions in printing costs by reducing the 38 characters in both names down […]
Japanese Strolling Gardens Ruined By Japanese Strolling Monster
Springfield, MO- What is a usually a calm experience, the Japanese strolling gardens erupted in slow paced chaos when the Koi fish pond was contaminated with toxic chemicals. After the contamination one fish (later named Koizilla) mutated into a medium sized fish monster. Because the creature was not used to walking on land, and […]
Wilson’s Creek Tourist Totally Empathizes With Soldiers
Battlefield, MO- After taking a tour of Wilson’s Creek Battlefield many tourist feel exactly how the brave soldiers felt while fighting for their causes. While the tourist differ in gender, age, and station of life they all can agree on one thing: they have it just as tough as the soldiers did. “Am I […]
Pitt Adopts Population of Joplin
Joplin, MO- Even though The Pitts donated thousands of dollars for the tornado relief effort, they still filed paperwork yesterday that make them adopted parents of every single resident of Joplin, Missouri. Once completed, the Joplin residents will move to either the Pitts home in California or Southern France (their home in New Orleans is […]
