All Entries in the "News" Category
Sunday School Teacher Sentenced to Life in Hell
Mountain Grove, MO – Douglas County douchebag Brent “Pete” Turley was sentenced to life in Hell by Jesus the Son of Man for his explicit acts upon minors. According to angels, Turley will be required to live eternity in Hell lifting engine blocks tied to his reproductive organ. An especially heinous crime requires an equally […]
Crumbly-Building Man Fails to Save Costume Shop
Springfield, MO – The former “Costume Shop” near downtown Springfield at Main Avenue and W. Nichols Street collapsed despite the efforts of superhero Crumbly-Building Man, who was eating lunch close-by at Pappy’s Place. “He comes in every week for the lunch special. But today was different. During lunch he kept mentioning that his ‘crumbly-building senses’ […]
Mayor McCheese Wins MO Caucus!
Springfield, MO – At the Caucuses in Greene County Saturday, an unexpected entry from McDonald’s Mayor McCheese made for some interesting votes. McCheese arrived at the voting just in time for lunch, offering the crowd some free Big Macs, McRibs, and fries. “I heard the clowns were in town and forgot that the Circus was […]
MSU Students Vow To Hunt and Kill Kony for Spring Break
Springfield, MO – With MSU’s Spring Break around the corner, many students are looking forward to relaxation, cutting lose, and visiting love ones. But, some students have a more productive way to spend their vacation: hunting and killing Ugandan warlords. “I was so moved by the Kony 2012 video that I knew I […]
Political Storm Alert – Santorum and Paul Warning in Ozarks
Springfield, MO – The National Political Service in Springfield has issued a Republican Presidential Candidate warning for Greene County in southwest Missouri until 9pm CST Saturday night. At 5:12 pm trained politician spotters reported several Republican candidates were seen moving towards the Missouri Ozarks. Listen here: Political Storm Warning A political barrage of television advertisements […]
Branson Tornado Skips Over Cracked Ripley’s Building
Branson, MO – The vicious tornado that ripped apart the Branson Strip entertainment area apparently stopped short of demolishing the Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Odditorium, presumable due to the building already having the appearance of destruction. “I’d say that mighty black tornader seen the Ripley’s building and figured it was already fallin’ apart so […]
New Madrid Fault Is A Real Prima Donna
Springfield, MO – The New Madrid fault flexed its muscles yesterday just to show people that it still exists. “Yeah I tossed a 4.0 on they badselves just because I can,” said the fault, “boo-yah humans!” Reports indicate that the New Madrid fault line experiences far less publication than other more popular fault lines in […]
Springfield Police Disarm Man by Train Tracks
Springfield, MO – It was reported recently that Springfield City Police had disarmed a man near the train tracks on N. Kansas Expressway, in what was believed to be a stand-off. However, in a drastic and dyslexic turn of events, it was found that the man had actually been disarmed by the train itself according […]
Bad Teeth, Use of Phrase “Crikey” Oust British Fugitive in Ozark
Springfield, MO – A British fugitive was recently found in Ozark, MO trying to blend into his local surroundings. Authorities say they were tipped off by local residents as the man smelled of cabbage and haggis. The accused is said to have pulled off the “perfect crime” by driving off in a security van with […]
Missouri Primary Results Show We Can Waste Money!
Springfield, MO – Several voters turned out to vote in Missouri’s meaningless Republican primary to prove that Missouri can waste a crap-ton of money on a meaningless and painfully boring activity such as voting for politicians. “Yeah, voting is so much fun!” sneered Nancy Huffingtonmunch, a nasty old woman who felt compelled to volunteer to […]
Squirrels Express Themselves Via Pine Cones
Springfield, MO – Local squirrels busied themselves by creating a work of word art made from pine cones this past week – communicating an important message of “Booobz”. The pine cone script expressed several emotions by passerbys near the intersection of National and Bennett streets. “I was sitting inside Mexican Villa enjoying sweet sauce and […]
Nobody To Vote For…Bummer
I proclaim that none of the top candidates running for the GOP nomination are electable. Mitt Romney, while currently leading the pack, seems to say all the wrong things at all the wrong times and his condescending demeanor at the debates makes me want to give this guy the kind of wedgie you don’t recover […]
Man Drives MLK Bridge Over and Over for MLK Day
Springfield, MO – Local man Norm Hugefston decided to celebrate Martin Luther King Day by driving continuously over the Martin Luther King bridge for 8 hours. His trek was sponsored by several friends and neighbors and he raised at least $380.00 to contribute to the local chapter of the NCAAP. “I was wanting to do […]
Nixa Wookiee Sighted near Supercenter
Nixa, MO – Nixa shoppers received a shock Monday evening when several individuals reported a sighting of the legendary Nixa Wookiee in and around the Local Walmart Supercenter. Although the Nixa Wookiee has long enjoyed a position of prominence in local folklore, this is the first time in recent memory a sighting of the creature […]
2011 Year In Review
Here’s a glimpse at headlines from 2011. Choosing only 1 per month was difficult. Feel free to weigh in with your best headline of the year. January Overwatch Manor Doghouse Biggest In Missouri February Brown Derby Actually Black March Hammons Found Frozen in Carbonite April Tornado Warning Issued Until October May 2012 Cox Sucker Days […]
