All Entries in the "News" Category
Christ Sends Giant Kittens Who Destroy Skepticon Billboard Accidentally
Springfield, MO – According to angels, Jesus Christ sent enormous cuddly kittens to sit next to a Skepticon billboard located on S. Glenstone Avenue at Seminole Street. According to passer-byes, the freakishly large kittens began to attack the billboard poking holes into the canvas. “Just because the kittens I sent to watch over the billboard […]
Fugitive Ruins Recess for Hundreds of Nixa Students
Nixa, MO – Earlier this week, known and wanted fugitive, Matthew Allen was spotted strolling in Nixa, forcing 3 local schools to be placed on lock-down preventing afternoon recess to take place. Students at Mathews Elementary, Espy Elementary and Nixa High School were upset and confused by the decision. “I was s’pose to swing with […]
Mayor O’Neill Suddenly Re-Signs
Springfield, MO – With a term set to expire in April 2013, and with no intentions of running for a third term, Mayor Jim O’Neill suddenly announced this week that he is planning to re-sign. O’Neill has always put his heart and soul into the position, however, most council members expected him to leave office […]
Handicap Signage Promotes Racism
Springfield, MO – A painted parking spot elicited racist emotions on the south side of the queen city after a short shopping spree at the Walmarts. A large white handicap image can be clearly seen crushing the head of a black handicapped image. “What the f*ck is that!?” said George Tillawhack, as he walked by […]
Springfield Woman Pulls off Girl Scout Heist of the Century
Los Springvas, MO- A local woman pulled of the heist of a lifetime when she stole thousands of dollars from a local PTA and Girl Scout Troop 70472. The heist took months of planning and could have not been pulled off with her crack team of thieves that the media as deemed “Jordan’s 11.” “You […]
Crowds Gather Too Close to Battlefield Mall Bomb Scare
Springfield, MO – Crowd gathered uncomfortably close to a bomb investigation this week at the Battlefield Mall, a Simon property. The suspicious device was reported by an astute shopper after seeing a bag on the ground with wires poking out of it. While police determined if armored men or a bomb defusing robot should go […]
Prom King Refuses To Give Up Crown
Springfield, MO- Hilldale High School is on the verge of political unrest and social upheaval with Rex Kingston, last year’s prom king, refusing to give up the crown to one of the 4 court candidates. With the King of Prom succession being a yearly rite, the act of refusing to yield the crown means trouble […]
Teachers Evil Masterminds Behind Senior Pranks
Springfield, MO – High school students have one month left until they can no longer blame their laziness on a little thing they like to call ‘Senioritis.’ Instead of studying for final exams, they are highly prone to elaborate on all of the knowledge that was given to them by their teachers throughout the past […]
Chateau On The Lake Hit By Iceberg
Springfield, MO- Tragedy struck on Saturday when the premier Branson resort (called unsinkable by the press) was hit by an iceberg and slowly sunk into the lake, taking numerous souls with down with her. Ironically the disaster struck exactly 100 years after the Titanic met its icy fate. Many blame the tragedy on man’s hubris. […]
Titanic Museum Marks 100-Year Disaster with Underwater Exhibit
Branson, MO – Visitors to Branson can now enjoy the first underwater ride-through exhibit opened by the Titanic Museum to mark the 100-year anniversary of the sinking of the infamous ship. A special ceremony introduced the Underwater Titanic exhibit to the public; the underwater ride allows ticket holders to experience firsthand how it felt to […]
Great Southern Bank Robbed Of Great Southern Treasures
Springfield MO- Priceless artifacts from the great American South were robbed yesterday when an unknown gunman robbed “Great Southern Bank”. The gunman not only took confederate greenbacks, but also the very first vial of moonshine (created from actual harnessed moon light and turpentine), General’s Lee corpse encased in a glass coffin, the original secret recipe […]
Easter Bunny To Earth’s Children: Stop Stealing my Eggs
Springfield, MO- In a press conference yesterday the Easter Bunny gave a desperate plea to the children of the earth: leave my eggs alone. During the conference he stated how every year he purposely hides his eggs so they can hatch and grow up to be healthy bunnies. “I know you might not know the […]
Lawrence County Renews Strip Club Tax, Adds “Spice Up the Bedroom” Tax
Mount Vernon, MO- With a Lawrence County 10% Strip Club on the ballots, lawmakers are trying to find other ways to make money in the same vein. With a “Spice Up the Bedroom” tax, couples will be taxed on various sexy items. Items that would be taxed would be: maid outfits, school girl outfits, masks, […]
Silver Dollar City’s World-Fest Block North Korea and Iran Events
Branson, Missouri- With World Fest just weeks away Silver Dollar City is getting ready for the huge festival celebrating multi-culturism. But, officials of the festival have some limits to embracing other cultures, especially when it comes to Iran and North Korea. “Don’t get us wrong, we want to welcome all cultures. But, there are some […]
Man convinced Newt Gingrich is Phil Donahue in Fat Suit
Springfield, MO - Twenty nine-year-old Springfieldian Nat Alther, who is a die-hard Newt Gingrich fan, said he believed the man who has been running for President and calls himself Newt Gingrich is actually Phil Donahue in a fat suit. Mr. Alther discovered this while pretending to be a busboy at a local Holiday Inn where […]
