All Entries in the "News" Category
Groupon Offered for Heer’s Building
Springfield, MO – Local citizens will soon be receiving a Groupon offer via email to own a portion of the historic Heer’s Building in downtown Springfield. Most suspect developer Kevin McGowan is attempting to sell the structure piece by piece but none seem to care. General excitement to own a piece of the building is […]
Freistatt Distributes Beer to Prevent Grass Fires
FREISTATT, Mo. – The village of Freistatt is announcing a unique measure to help its own citizens prevent grass fires. The village will provide beer saved from last years’ Ernte-Fest to anyone living within a three-mile radius of Freistatt that has access to their own 3,000 to 5,000-gallon portable beer tank. Officials stress the beer […]
Springfield Stopping Mountain Dew’s “Water is for Wussys” Ad Campaign
Springfield, MO- With summer temperatures coming earlier, heat-related illnesses are on the rise- making good hydration very important. But, Mountain Dew’s new ad campaign is down playing the importance of water, which is making Springfield health officials never nervous. The campaign declares that “Water is for Wussys” on numerous venues including bus stop benches and […]
Springfield Car Dealership Uses Under-Handed Tactics To Make the Sale
Springfield, MO- With Excel Auto under fire for various violations such as, odometer tampering and trading out bumpers to mislead customers about the make and models of cars, many other car dealerships are coming clean with their tactics. “Ok, I admit,” says Stanly Sleaze of Sleazy Motors, “I don’t even really sell cars. Most of […]
3 Illegal Recipients of Joplin Fund Face Wind Tunnel
Springfield, MO – Three Joplin residents have admitted in federal court that they obtained disaster benefits after last year’s deadly tornado they weren’t entitled to receive and now face punishment via an wind torture tunnel. Acting U.S. Attorney David Ketchmark says 51-year-old Wanda Gail McBride, 30-year-old Ronald Martell Irby and 37-year-old Karen Marie Parks pleaded […]
Giant Flaming Eagle Terrorizes Independence Day Celebrators
Springfield, MO – Yesterday a rare flaming eagle was seen screaming across the night’s sky across the southeast side of town. Witnesses said they were unsure what the flying object was until they heard a piercing shrill cry and saw the bird of freedom soaring over their homes, spitting fire from its glorious tail feathers. […]
Lebanon School District Administrators Placed in Trailers
Lebanon, MO – Parents of special education students were pleased to learn that Lebanon School District administrators were recently placed in an un-air-conditioned trailer behind the school’s campus until they can come up with a plan to properly integrate their children and reverse the segregating their loved ones have been exposed to from the rest […]
Ozarkers In Heat Advisory – No Reproduction Efforts Allowed
Springfield, MO – According to Health officials, Southwest Missouri is in an “in heat advisory” which means people shouldn’t engage in any sexual activity. Record heat and heat indexes have locals’ sweaty panties in a wad. Any activity geared towards reproduction is highly discouraged while this dry, hot weather is in effect. “I was all […]
Baptist vs. Buddhist Biker
Springfield, MO- A member of the Buddhist faith was tested yesterday as a gigantic Christian cross was hurled at him while biking near First Baptist Church on South Street. “Ohm….mmmmmmmmmm…O’my GOD!” screamed bicyclist Bud Alstum as he narrowly escaped the clanging carrier of Christian sin when it struck the street behind him. According to witnesses, […]
Train Robbery Averted Near Branson, MO
Branson, MO – According to multiple eye witnesses, two men attempted to rob a passenger train yesterday. The would-be thieves requested any and all gold, silver and precious metals while terrifying many train passengers. “From what I could tell, the robbers stood on the tracks and flagged down the train, which I wasn’t even sure […]
Flip-book of Approaching Storm Now Available
Springfield, MO – Local meteorologists and news stations have commemorated yesterday’s weather activity with a novelty flip-book now available at any area news station front desk. Tired of settling for convenient digital solutions the Ozarks news crew bonded together to produce a 142-page graphic representation of the approaching storm clouds in a paper medium. “Seriously, […]
Soccer Mom Vows To Find iPhone Stolen from Prius
Springfield, MO – With warmer temperatures causing people to be more out and about, Springfield car break-ins are at an all-time high. But, one Springfield citizen refuses to take the crime spree sitting down. Elizabeth Cleaver, a 39-year-old soccer mom, found her Prius’s window smashed and her iPhone stolen on Wednesday, as well as her […]
Voters Approve “Spitting Lougies in Public” with “No” Vote
Springfield, MO – The city populace spoke loudly and proudly with a 65% to 35% vote to approve spitting lougies in public, an amendment to the vote against the repeal of the smoking ban restrictions in Springfield. “Lougies were at one time considered rash and boorish behavior, produced only by those citizens most despised by […]
Teachers Prepare for Summer Hibernation
Springfield, MO- With the school year rapidly ending, teachers from across the Ozarks are getting ready for their yearly 3 month hibernation. As most teacherologist and general populace know, teachers have no life other than school so when summer vacation comes around they are no longer needed until the next school year. During this time […]
Rush Limbaugh Bust Put Under Surveillance
Jefferson City (MO) – The House of Representatives has spent $1,100 on a security camera installed specifically to monitor a bust of conservative radio show host Rush Limbaugh to honor those who choose to vandalize it. Chief Clerk Adam Crumbliss asked that the camera be installed because of concerns that the bust would be vandalized, […]
