All Entries in the "News" Category
Scooby Doo and “McGruff The Crime Dog” Debate Marijuana
Springfield, MO- With a spirited debate taking place in City Hall about the marijuana, Springfield may be next to get the “munchies”. Because of the new discrimination law being addressed the Ozarks may be feel a public debate will help the public see both sides of the issues. The debate will be between two famous […]
Missouri Politicians Are Upset Arizona is Trying to Out-Crazy Them
Springfield, MO- Mere weeks after Todd Akin’s “shut down” gaffe in which he explains a woman’s body can naturally shut down parts of her body, Arizona law makers are trying to pass a bill stating that life begins two weeks before conception. “This is ridiculous,” says Missouri Senator Claude Maxwell. “We had the corner on […]
Claire McCaskill Plays Hooky From DNC
St. Petersburg, MO- Claire McCaskill decided to play hooky with her friends than go to the “totally boring” snooze feast of the DNC. Senior members of the democratic party are very disappointed in the irresponsible actions of the precocious youth. Claire was not available for comment and allegedly causing mischief all over the Ozarks. The […]
Mother Nature to Missouri: Is That Enough Water For You, You Babies?
Springfield, MO- With rain seemingly falling constantly for a period of days, many Ozarkians are wondering why this rain could not come earlier to relieve the drought ridden summer. In yesterday’s press conference Mother Nature was very direct in her answer. “You whiners complained about no rain all summer. Well, you want some water? Here […]
Naked Man Found in Clothing Donation Bin
Springfield, MO – This past Tuesday a totally naked man was found hiding inside a clothing donation bin waiting for a nice-fitting outfit to drop in on him. After a quick database search the man was identified as Larry Lapp, who has a history of gambling. Police officer Gabby Rook said, “We found Lapp inside […]
Springfield Youth To Protest RNC and Hurricanes
Springfield, MO- With the Republican National Convention and Hurricane Isaac both scheduled to take place this week, many Springfield youths are set to travel to Florida to protest them both. “The Republicans and hurricanes don’t care about poor people,” says protester Gary Morgan, “One destroyed New Orleans, and the other ruined it.” Many protestors are […]
Authorities Search for Sidewalk ‘Teabagger’
Springfield, MO – Police have a simple warning for whoever is leaving their mark on all of the freshly poured pedestrian paths: “keep your junk off of our sidewalks”. The recent rash of testicular vandalism was first reported near the corner of Campbell & Walnut Lawn by Edna Lewis. Edna noticed the twin divots when […]
City Builds Fountain to Water Conservation
Springfield, MO – With precious water reserves plummeting, City officials have agreed to build a fountain which will remind citizens of the importance of water conservation. The fountain will be a symbol of preservation. “We’ll pump 80-thousand gallons of water through the fountain each hour to remind citizens that water conservation should be taken seriously,” […]
Todd Akin’s Teachers Blame Themselves Over Gaffe
Everywhere, MO- After Todd Akin’s expressed his belief that women can “shut that whole thing down” (her reproduction system after a legitimate rape), many teachers are stepping forward. The teachers feel that if they just worked a little harder, then Akin would have a better understanding how rudimentary things work, and that a penis is […]
4th Graders Hijack School Bus to Escape School
Springfield, MO- 4th graders from Hilldale Elementary staged a daring coup yesterday when they took over a school bus to escape from the horrors of school. The 4th graders, armed with sling-shots and water pistols filled with cat urine held bus driver Hector Barnslow hostage and demanded a new destination. “It was awful,” Hector tells […]
Parents Rejoice After Dropping School Kids Off
Springfield, MO – The first day of school signals the beginning of individual freedoms for thousands of Ozarks parents across the city. August 15 brings absolute independence from 9-3 Monday – Friday and many parents are eager to taste the sweet liberty that secondary education offers. “F’ yeah – let’s all go to White Water, […]
Steelman and McCaskill Battle Over Senate Seat/Life
Mark Twain Forest, MO- Mark Twain Forest was devastated yesterday when two political candidates fought to the death. Mecha-Caskill (Claire McCaskill in her 3.2 million dollar mech suit) and Sarah Steelman met yesterday at high noon on the banks of the Eleven Point Scenic River, and the battled raged for hours over many of the […]
McCaskill raises $2.6 million, Will Use For Ad Blitz, Mailers, Giant Mech Suit
Springfield, MO- Claire McCaskill has had a good fund raising year. With raising 2.6 million in the second quarter, and now having 3.6 million in the bank she is ready to take on a formidable GOP opponent in November. The money will be used for various political tools such as: television airtime for a media […]
Sarah Steelman to hunt GOP Competitors On Secrete Game Reserve
Springfield, MO- Sarah Steelman, one of the 3 candidates for the Republican senate seat, set an elaborate trap for her competition a week ago hoping to seal the nomination. Steelman invited Todd Adkin and John Brunner to a dinner at her Mark Twain Forest hunting lodge. The other candidates gladly accepted, thinking the main topic […]
Criminals Anxiously Await Night Out Celebrations
Springfield, MO – Thousands of local citizens will gather in public places to heighten crime prevention awareness, strengthen neighborhood spirit and police-community partnerships, and generate support for participation in local anticrime programs…while criminals ransack their unoccupied homes. “This is seriously, like the best thing to ever happen to us,” said criminal Bluto Snatchnsuck, “I’m planning […]
