All Entries in the "News" Category
“Huge Asteroid No Threat to Earth” Laughs, Running and Screaming Astronomers
Springfield, MO – Local astronomers are claiming that the large asteroid flying in nearly the same orbit as Earth will make a close pass by the planet, but there’s no chance of an impact. Several astronomers at Baker Observatory, Ozarks Amateur Astronomers Club (OAAC) confirmed that claim while packing several cases of survival food packages […]
Downtown Fundamentalists Take Lessons from “Cash for Gold”
Springfield, MO – On an average weekend night in downtown Springfield, you might see different groups of people from over-dressed college kids, gigging musicians, street performers, the guy with the telescope, to many of the “square rats” with their skateboards, shouting, and/or hand drums. But the one constant to any weekend night downtown are the […]
Local Man Selects PowerBall, Square & Triangle
Springfield, MO – In an astronomical anomaly, Henry Tipton has correctly selected not only the winning PowerBall numbers but the trans-dimensional lotteries PowerSquare and PowerTriangle. The odds of Tipton even discovering the extra dimensions are overshadowed by his ability to locate and correctly select the winning combinations of three lotteries. “I guess I happened across […]
Citizens Celebrate End of Election Advertising
Springfield, MO – This election season has united the Ozarks populace with one resounding result: the end of political advertising. Campaign advertisements have inundated members of all parties for several months and political messaging has seeped into every expression of life, on the side of the highway, in front yards, on radio, online annoyances and […]
Man Forgets To Vote, Blames Lack of Awareness
Springfield MO – On Tuesday November 4th at 8:00 p.m. Fred Kitebiter was at his favorite tavern having a few drinks and getting ready to watch his favorite hockey team the St.Louis Blues take the ice. Instead the only thing that was on TV was election results. When told that the election returns would probably […]
Post-debate, Obama staffers reveal Seinfeld strategy
Springfield, MO – One week after the final presidential debate in Boca Raton, Florida, speculation has surfaced that the Obama team used some unorthodox tactics while preparing the president for his most recent public appearances. “The rumors are true,” one anonymous source said. “During Monday’s debate, the President was eager to engage in what […]
Hurricane Sandy Expected to Merge with Ozarks Tornado, setting off New Madrid Fault Line
Springfield, MO – Local weather experts are fearful that hurricane Sandy will turn its sights onto the Midwest after it destroys the Eastern Coast of the United States. After already merging with a nor’easter and clashing into Arctic winds, Sandy is growing stronger each day. “This storm has an appetite that cannot be contained. If […]
Task Force Addresses Concerns Amid Nuclear Test/Holocaust On Square
Springfield, MO – While a newly formed task force met at the Busch Municipal Building on Tuesday afternoon to strategize against negative perceptions of Park Central Square, an actual nuclear bomb test and ethnic cleansing occurred on the square. “Yeah, we’ve got our work cut out for us,” said Nancy Puhdrewery, a newly appointed task […]
Area Locals Worried About Apartment Fires Wearing Asbestos Underwear
Springfield, MO – According to a recent CoxHealth report, the soaring number of apartment fires in the SW Missouri region have caused panicking cigarette smokers to wrap their private parts in cloth made from the dangerous mineral compound “asbestos.” Health officials warn that asbestos is a highly toxic substance once widely used in construction […]
Honey Boo Boo Rallies for Claire McCaskill
Springfield, MO – Democratic Sen. Claire McCaskill got a campaign trail boost Tuesday as Honey Boo Boo – a reality television personality on TLC’s Here Comes Honey Boo Boo that features beauty pageant participants, filmed in and around rural McIntyre, Georgia – headlined two days of rallies as the Democrat maintains a competitive race against […]
Man Jumps from Tower Theater – Breaks No Records
Springfield, MO – Henry Figerson decided to base-jump from the tip-top of the Tower Theater this week to celebrate his daredevil lifestyle. Climbing an un-towering 42-feet into the air, Figerson looked out over the land he was about to conquer and someday dreamed of being paid for somewhat life threatening stunts. “Ah, yeah, I guess […]
Some Republicans Actually Still have Todd Akin Signs in Their Yards
SPRINGFIELD, MO – Republicans and Democrats alike are shocked to find that even after so many controversial comments from Republican senate candidate Todd ‘Legitimate Rape’ Akin, some Republicans still, for some reason, have signs supporting him in their front yards. “It’s mind-blowing. Just that anyone could support him after what he’s said is crazy,” said […]
Romney Wants to Cut Funding to Tom Trtan’s Mustache
Springfield, MO - Wednesday night was the first of a set of three presidential debates between former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney and President Barack Obama. Pundits on both sides agree that Romney was the clear winner. Romney appeared more prepared, more energetic, and with a better grasp of the issues. To many, however, it was one […]
Akin Campaign Rebrands Itself with New “Re-Todd” Slogan
Jefferson City, MO – In a bid to resurrect his image to Missouri voters and distance himself from past statements, Rep. Todd Akin’s U.S. Senate campaign has rebranded themselves with a new slogan. The campaign team thought it was important to give voters a fresh impression of the man that Republicans see as key to […]
Visitors Streak to See Jordan Valley Park Nekkid Woman
Springfield, MO – Jordan Valley Park, located in the heart of town, is an urban meadow vast enough to find places for solitude, places to socialize and over the past few months has become a place to see a not-too-shabby lookin’ nekkid lady running around flashin’ what her momma gave her. Visitors to the park […]
