All Entries in the "News" Category
Pirates Captured at Bearded Clam
Kimberling City, MO—Seven Somali pirates were captured yesterday by Dutch naval forces, who also freed 80 captive audience members of the Showboat Branson Belle, Missouri Water Patrol officials say. The Dutch forces followed the pirates, who had launched a successful attack on the Showboat Branson Belle, as they docked at the popular Table Rock Lake […]
Pirate Site Sues Pirates
The Pirate Bay is suing the Somali pirates who moved to the Ozarks, hijacked the Showboat Branson Belle, and claimed former party cove as Pirate Cove. The Pirate Bay is suing the Somali pirates claiming copyright infringement. The Pirate Bay is a Swedish website that indexes and tracks BitTorrent (.torrent) files. It bills itself as […]
Pirates Tie Up at Party Cove
Table Rock Lake—In a surprising turn of events, the Showboat Branson Belle has tied up with local party boats at the popular “party cove”. According to witnesses, the pirates located some wicked dance music and pumped it to the crowds as they idled into the worry-free zone of questionable behavior, meeting no resistance. Seclusion, good […]
Showboat Branson Belle Held Ransom By Pirates
Branson, MO—Pirates seized the Showboat Branson Belle on Monday evening. The bold hijacking has heightened fears about the surging piracy and low-seas terrorism on Table Rock Lake. Captain Shad Owing the IV was tossed off the back of the ship onto the paddlewheel when the vessel left the pier under pirate control. “How could they […]
Table Rock Lake Piracy?
Lampe, MO—Local officials are issuing warnings to all lake-goers this spring/summer as Somali pirates may have been spotted in the waters of Table Rock Lake. The National Volunteer Coastguard of Somalia, whose operations originated off the coast of Africa, has been suspected of moving operations to the Ozarks. As global awareness rises, security off the […]
Protester Embarrassed At Tea Party
Springfield—Louie Higgs attended a political rally on Tuesday dressed as Mr. T, horribly mistaking the intent of the gathering. Higgs came decked with several gold chains, a fresh mo-hawk, gold rings and a sign that read “I pity the fool who don’t love the USA”. Immediately upon arrival he felt that something was amiss. Higgs […]
Bluegrass Feud Claims Another Victim
Missouri and Kentucky bluegrass performers clash, leading to more violence. Bolivar—Around 8 pm yesterday unknown assailants drove pick-up trucks past Hank “Flash-Fingers” Wallace’s cabin and pelted it, and him, with dead opossums. Hank, known as “Flash-Fingers” due to his fast banjo picking digits, was a notable player in Missouri-style bluegrass—he was a perfect target. He […]
Storm-crazed Meteorologists Track Weather
Local TV weather personalities lost their effin’ minds over last night’s exciting storms. Like green on a pickle, area weathermen and women were beside themselves with joy as they tracked potential deadly weather racing across the Ozarks. As ominous clouds gathered, KY3 reporters Ron Hearst, Dave Snider and Brandon Beck jumped into the air and […]
90% of Greene County Voters Give Finger to Democracy
Ten percent minority to make decisions for all. Springfield, MO – A good majority of registered voters are expected to ignore Tuesday’s Greene County elections. “Well, we’ve had an increase in the felon population over the past few months,” County Clerk Richard Struckhoff indicated Saturday “and a good majority of registered voters simply don’t give […]
MSU Drops “M” From Name
MSU proposed name change to SU Jefferson City – The president of Missouri State University, Dr. Michael T. Nietzel, said he proposed last week that the University of Missouri support a name change for his institution and discussed enhancing collaboration between the two universities. Support for the name change would coincide with the school’s centennial […]
