All Entries in the "News" Category
Officers Equipped with Soap Guns for City Council Meetings
Springfield, MO – Following Mayor Stephen’s recent declaration banning swearing, officers providing protection at City Council meetings will be equipped with a new piece of law enforcement equipment– a soap gun. City leaders worked with the police chief and considered numerous equipment enhancements including Super Soakers filled with soapy water, a fire hose filled with […]
Springfield Public Schools Buys Fleet of “Imperial Walkers” To Combat Snow Days
Springfield, MO- Due to a stubborn winter that refuses to relent, Springfield Public Schools bought a fleet of “Imperial Walkers” (also known as AT-AT’s) to make sure snow days are no longer an issue. “We will no longer be a slave to old man winter,” said Superintendent Norm Vader while wearing a black cloak that […]
Hobo Trap Set Downtown!
Springfield, MO – A giant cage used for catching hobos has been placed on west Phelps Street in downtown Springfield. Baited with loose cans and broken dreams the trap is part of a plan to rid the city streets of unsightly vagabonds. City Officials hope that the new effort will revitalize a once vibrant neighborhood. […]
KOZL Announces 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon
Springfield, MO – Meteorologist Chris Smith is turning his 3 Degree Guarantee contest into a new weekly game of 6 Degrees of SGF Separation from Kevin Bacon. Viewers can simply enter their name and Smith will have five seconds to connect the viewer to American actor Kevin Bacon. According to a station source, the game […]
Tornado Drill Announced for Yesterday
Springfield, MO – Yesterday a tornado drill was activated across Greene County frightening thousands of civilians who were not expecting it. Scores of sissies were set on pins and needles with the test and many more were thrilled with the opportunity to jest and poke fun at the frighten-prone wussies who feared for their […]
Melting Snowmen Teach Children Inevitability of Death
Springfield, MO- With the melting of last week’s snow, many Springfield children are learning about the changing of the seasons, the water cycle, and the inevitability of death. Area snowmen, who were lovingly crafted by children of all ages, slowly wasted away in a powerful metaphor of morality. “Yes kids, watch as the snowman slowly […]
Southern Springfield Winter Wonderland, Northern Springfield Frozen Hellscape
Springfield, MO- This week, winter weather both devastated and beautified Springfield depending on the location. Light ice and snow turned Southern Springfield into a Norman Rockwell type winter paradise with laughing children creating snow forts, sledding, and enjoying playful snowball fights. The northern part of town had heavier snowfall and ice transforming it into a […]
Whimsical Snownado Warning Pleasantly Issued
Springfield, MO – Following strange weather reports, the National Weather Service has issued a Snownado warning for Southwestern Missouri until 5:45 pm. At 6:30 am, trained weather spotters reported a wonderfully white funnel 7 miles west of Battlefield or near Springfield. A snownado may develop at any time and shower the area with little fluffy […]
Michelle to Record ‘Lady Obama’ on SGF Visit
Springfield, MO – First Lady Michelle Obama will take time today to record her healthy version of a Beatles song, “Lady Obama” at famed Springfield recording house, The Studio. She will sing back up on the track and play the Hammond organ. Special leaked lyrics were provided and will be sung by lead vocalist Kristi […]
First Lady Sucked Into Local Politics
Springfield, MO – Walmart confirmed their latest strategy to approve the new Neighborhood Market by enlisting First Lady Michelle Obama on her visit Springfield to meet with Mayor Stephens (who is visiting Washington D.C.). A White House spokesman stated, “The First Lady personally wants to inspect the location in question to see what the federal government […]
Ozark Forest Marines Sent to Destroy Feral Hog Nest
Springfield, MO- The Ozarks has a new threat to deal with: feral hogs. The furious beast not only tear up the ground, but eat precious acorns and devour turkey eggs, which Ozark hillbillies use for food and currency. Because the pigs are overtaking the most the region, the Missouri government has to step in. A […]
Climate Change Nerds Ruin Seasonally Warm Weather
Springfield, MO- While most Springfield residents were pleasantly surprised by the warm weather yesterday, a bunch of egg-head losers actually complained about the 70 degree temperatures. The know-it -all nerds told various residents that even though the warm days are nice now, climate change will have dire consequences in the future. “While you all are […]
Cattle Heads Stolen From Farm
Marionville, MO – According to a grotesque trail of bovine blood, nearly thirty cattle were decapitated and left for dead in Lawrence County. The heads were completely removed and relocated to another place, far away from their previous location…atop their shoulders. The Lawrence County Sheriff confirmed that 27 head of cattle were stolen from a […]
City Tangles with the Wrong Clown!
Springfield, MO – City efforts to thwart a sign-posting clown in southwest Springfield have heighted. According to sources, the citizen-clown has taken measures to protect his property from prying government inspectors. “We have reason to believe that the property in question has been equipped with tripwires that release laughing gas, confetti-stuffed landmines and flying attack […]
Jay Nixon Totally Inaugurated All Day
Jefferson City, MO – According to sources, Governor Jay Nixon was totally inaugurated today on the Capitol lawn in front of scores of attendees. The ceremonial initiation was pronounced to be “bitchin’” and “gnarly” by supports in the crowd. The day was full of swearing, as Lt. Gov Peter Kinder, Sec. of State Jason Kandor, […]
