All Entries in the "News" Category
MSU Student Welcome ‘Package’ Features Condom
Springfield, MO—A controversial welcome ‘package’ was sent to thousands of potential Missouri State University students recently. The student mailer included condoms and an ad for a sexually erotic store. Parents are outraged. The packet included condoms from Planned Parenthood and a $15 coupon for the erotic Adam & Eve store. It was sent to an […]
Table Rock Sauna
Branson, MO- What started as a very typical summer with a rainy Memorial Day Weekend has turned into a very atypical June with record temperatures. An unpleasant byproduct of this weather is the already extreme temperature of lake water at Table Rock Lake. Soaring over 90 degrees, local residents and lake goers are reacting to […]
Empire Adopted Highway Renamed for Rebel Alliance Leader Admiral Ackbar
Springfield, MO—It started in October with a crude but effective public relations move by members of the dark side, officially called the Springfield Unit of the Galactic Empire. Exercising their First Amendment rights, they succeeded in getting MoDOT to let them erect a sign for their group along West Bypass, between Sunshine and Farm Road […]
Nixa Alderman Deny Judicial System
NIXA, MO—At least two city aldermen are calling for the town’s mayor to resign as soon as possible. Mayor Brian Hayes faces charges of driving while intoxicated and has yet to be found guilty of breaking any laws. Aldermen Michael Durbin and Kevin Elmer say Hayes needs to step down so a new mayor, or […]
Former Governor Plows Over Defenseless Citizen
Springfield police issued a ticket to former Missouri Governor Matt Blunt Monday evening for failing to yield. Police say Blunt was traveling southbound on Kickapoo Avenue when he stopped for a stop sign at Cherry Street. Police say as Blunt pulled into the intersection, a scooter struck his Ford Explorer. “Wow. That’s not cool. I […]
Borat Busts Branson Slave Trade
According to the U.S. attorney for the Western District of Missouri, a federal indictment in Kansas City claims defendants used false information to obtain fake work visas for foreign workers, who were then threatened with deportation while living in substandard apartments and working for inadequate pay. “High five!” said international reporter Borat Sagdiyev, after he […]
Fuzz Challenge Drunks to Dodge Saturation
Buffalo, MO—Missouri Highway Patrol Troop D will conduct four driving-while-intoxicated saturations in Dallas County in June, July, and August with no element of surprise. So if you’re planning to drink those months in that area well, let this serve as a heads-up. Areas selected for enforcement are based on a high number of drinking-related traffic […]
Two Women Use Jedi Mind Trick To Rob Joplin Businesses
Joplin, MO—Police are looking for two women who stole a train suspension system from the F A G Bearings plant on Tuesday night. Police said one of the women posed as a F A G employee and the second played the role of customer. The duo also reportedly made off with a 52-inch, flat-screen Samsung […]
Firefighters, Police To Sell CU To Highest Bidder
Springfield—Local fire and police officials have decided to sell City Utilities to fund the Police-Fire Pension Fund. “Well, it just sitting there. Nobody is using it” said Fire Chief Doug Dorman. “Everyone just started looking around the city for things to sell and we found a few old desks, an old fire truck we used […]
MO Legislature Session Is Out!
Missouri Legislators recently wrapped up this year’s lawmaking session in Jefferson City. Last Friday was hectic day in the House as Representatives had to rush into some of this year’s most important issues such as cleaning out lockers, signing yearbooks and saying goodbye to friends. Late Friday afternoon, a big sigh of relief came from […]
Moore, Everyone’s Brother announce bid for U.S. Representative
Three-term Greene County Prosecutor Darrell Moore on Thursday unveiled his bid to represent southwest Missouri in Congress, as did Everyone’s Brother. With the announcement, Moore, 51, officially joined an already-crowded group of candidates vying for Missouri’s 7th Congressional District seat, currently occupied by U.S. Rep. Roy Blunt, R-Springfield. Blunt began a campaign early this year […]
Portrait Packages Available at County Jail
Monday the Greene County Sheriff’s Office unveiled a new Web site containing the booking photo and charge information for inmates in the Greene County Jail. Now the Green County Jail is offering a portrait package for those wanting to capture their memories inside the slammer. The Greene County Sheriff’s Office on Tuesday announced a new […]
Artsfest Inspires Precipitation
Springfield—Walnut Street swelled with crowds ready to browse the art filled curbs intent to celebrate spring this past weekend. Tents filled with crafts, paintings and foods align annually at this time of the year to form Artsfest. Unbeknownst to the casual observer, this ritual triggers a predictable climactic change known as “rain”. World-renowned climatologist Dr. […]
City Council Seat Filled by Malph Ranley
Springfield—Mayor Jim O’Neal announced yesterday that a replacement has been selected for the City Council Zone 3 seat vacated earlier this month. “It is my pleasure to announce our newest Councilman Mr. Malph Ranley,” said O’Neal, “Mr. Ranley is a longtime volunteer, a civic leader who will be known for his enthusiasm for the city […]
Gov’t Considers Purchasing Gov’t Land with Gov’t Grant
Cape Girardeau—An island sitting in the Mississippi River south of Cape Girardeau could soon be the latest addition to the Missouri Department of Conservation’s landholdings…woohoo! The department is considering buying Marquette Island, an 835-acre island covered in cottonwoods, willow and sand, which was formed from silt deposited by the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers from […]
