All Entries in the "News" Category
Premonition Turns Into Really, Really Bad Idea
Springfield, MO—In a unfortunate moment of recognition John Yettaw, the Falcon Freestyler, came to realize that his otherworldly premonition was actually a really, really bad idea. The thought came to him after he landed at Springfield-Branson National Airport, starting the final leg of his return home on Wednesday. “If I had it to do all […]
Crosslines Offers Mohawks for Middle Schoolers
Springfield, MO—The back-to-school event, “Mohawks for Middle Schoolers”, kicks into its 11th annual celebration today. Greene County children who will or currently attend a middle school are eligible to receive the hairstyle. Several dozen stylists will contribute their time and services to provide the mainstream fashion hairstyle free of charge. “The Mohawk is often dyed […]
McCaskill To Be Burned At The Stake
Springfield MO- Claire McCaskill, a Democratic senator representing Missouri, is set to be burned at the stake in her next scheduled town hall meeting. The town hall meeting will be held at Missouri State University in Strong Hall room 100 and all are welcomed to attend. After initial questioning, mostly focusing on President Obama‘s health […]
10,000 Cigarettes Reward Offered
Marshfield, MO—A reward of free smokes is now offered for help solving an arson fire at an area tobacco shop. The business was set afire last month and so far officials are baffled as to the arsonist, however, a motive has been identified. A note was left at the scene that read “Fire-crotch butt smoke”. […]
Missourians Enjoy Tax Holiday
Springfield, MO—Missourians enjoyed a weekend without sales tax or self-control thanks to the Missouri tax holiday. Malls, shopping center, and retail stores were transformed from a peaceful shopping environments to a chaotic rampage that made the last chapter of Lord of the Flies look like the last chapter of Pride and Prejudice. The masses, drunk […]
Bailiff Busted: Removes Self From Courtroom
Bentonville, AR—Three-and-a-half months since her first arrest, a county bailiff was taken into custody again on Sunday effectively removing her from her former position within the court system. Reportedly, 35-year-old Roz Russell was driving recklessly at around 3:00 a.m. She was pulled over a by a deputy and then refused to submit to an intoxication […]
Ozarks Emperor Very Much Pleased with His Fair
Springfield, MO- Grand Emperor of the Ozarks, Jo Bob Billius, was very much pleased with the glorious fair placed in his honor. Jo Bob traveled down from his majestic mountain fortress of Moon-Shan’gri-La and was greeted by his numerous subjects. Riding a “mule” (a mythical and wondrous beast combining a donkey and a horse) the […]
Lawn Mower Racer Arrested for DUI
CARTERVILLE, MO—A slobbering, stinky man has been charged with racing a lawn mower while sipping on grandpa’s cough syrup. Police Chief Howard says Jamie Dennison, 47, was arrested Friday on an overpass of Missouri 171 at Carterville, north of Joplin. Howard says Dennison, who lives in a trailer near Carterville, has a revoked driver’s license […]
Giant Hanging “L” Seen Over Skies
Springfield, MO—Residents were panicked to see a giant floating letter in the sky this past weekend. A large capital “L” was reportedly seen with occasionally triangle shaped unidentified objects. “I saw the UFOs coming over the sky and I was just certain that aliens were coming back to claim their planet Earth they abandoned 5000 […]
Local Conservative Can’t Believe He Has Twitter Writer’s Block on Beer Summit
Ozark, MO—On Tuesday afternoon, President Obama, Henry Gates, and the police officer who arrested Mr. Gates sat down at the White House for the so called “Beer Summit.” The event, which was intended to help quell tensions over the arrest and alleged racial prejudices, also created a massive spike in conservative blog and Twitter postings. […]
Couple Asked to Light Heads on Fire After Transporting Teens in Trunk
Lebanon, MO—Two people from Lebanon have been asked to light their heads on fire after police say they tried to drive home with three kids stuffed in a car trunk. Investigators say Cindy Feltner, 21, and Dustin McDonald, 18, were dumb enough to make a terrible mistake once, so they are likely to do it […]
Suspect Confuses Life with Grand Theft Auto Series
Stone County, MO—An attempted home invasion ended in a high speed chase, the chase of a detective’s car and a video game simulation. Deputies responded to a home on Highway 248, to check a report of a home invasion. They arrested a suspect and placed that character in the front seat of a detective’s automobile, […]
Misfit Fraternity Surprisingly Not On Valued Land
Springfield MO-Lamba Alpha Mu, a fraternity of losers and misfits brought together by the shunning of their peers, found out yesterday that the land under their house, affectingly called “The Heap” was totally useless yesterday. This was a huge surprise to Brett Masterson the president of the most popular and powerful fraternity on campus: Alpha […]
Escaped Inmates Caught In Branson Attractions
Branson, MO—Four inmates who escaped from Oklahoma on Thursday were caught Friday in Branson. Because, if you ever escape from prison you should go directly to Branson, MO where dreams come true. The men were caught in pairs at different times of the day in various tourist attractions. Two were stopped on West Missouri 76 […]
Two Trains Equation Solved In Sleeper, MO
Sleeper, MO—Two trains collided on the main BNSF line between Springfield and St. Louis last Monday morning answering the 7th grade algebra question: Where will two trains meet if train A leaves Springfield traveling at 35 mph and train B leaves St. Louis traveling at 45 mph? In Sleeper, Missouri just north of Lebanon. Three […]
