All Entries in the "News" Category
Cute Girl Wants You to Stop Staring
Springfield, MO – Fed up with guys ogling her as she tries to study in Meyer Library at Missouri State University, the cute girl has had enough. In statements made today, the cute girl has publicly denounced guys that creepily stare at her. “I’m sorry, but it’s just weird whenever I look up from my […]
Candidate “C” Named As Finalist For MSU Presidential Job
Springfield, MO—Missouri State University has announced the first of 4 candidates, a Mr. “C”, as a finalist for their top job. FCN has learned Mr. C is rumored to have an uncanny resemblance and likeness to Dr. Richard “Dick” Head. Dr. Dick Head is getting considerable attention and buzz because he reportedly loves to attend […]
Evangel Guards Go Beyond God’s Armor
Springfield, MO— Evangel is the first university in the Ozarks to add lethal weaponry to their arsenal of first line defenders. For years the university had relied upon pieces of God’s Armor for protection, however, now the security officers are allowed to pack man-made heat. The University first bestowed crime-fighting technology upon its protection force […]
Local Pervs Devastated by Boobquake Fail
By Snawt T. Buble Springfield, MO—Not everyone is breathing a sigh of relief now that the planet has been spared the predicted boobquake. Local authorizes have arrested three local perverts, Big Jim and the Twins and another person of interest named Chub for allegedly pitching a tent within 50’ of the entrance to Victoria’s Secret […]
Greene County Emergency Services Readies for Worldwide Boobquake Hysteria
By Snawt T. Buble Springfield, MO—Preparing for the worst but hoping for the best, Greene County Emergency Management (GCEM) personnel are taking no chances as the world readies for the possibility of an enormous boobquake. Predicted by an Iranian cleric and amateur seismologist Sedighi, boobquakes are known to happen when women show too much cleavage. […]
Douchebag Sign Warns Residents Of Douchebaggery
Oak Grove Heights, MO—A blinking highway sign in eastern Greene County is catching the attention of drivers. It’s not about road conditions, but a warning that douchebags are on the rise in the area. The sign reads “Sheriff’s Douchebag Alert, Please lock your doors.” It’s sparking a lot of talk, and a lot of d-bag […]
Diners Scramble at Scramblers
Springfield, MO—Scramblers diners were sent scrambling after a rogue driver plowed a gas meter and electrical box. The diners were hustled out of the establishment as a precautionary measure by a manager who shouted “Scramble! Scramble! Get Out!” Scramblers at West Chestnut Expressway was packed at the time and several Customers weren’t immediately sure what […]
Lambert’s Roll Breaks Sound Barrier, Injures Thief
Ozark, MO—According to reports, the role thrower at Lambert’s Café at Hwy 14 and Hwy 65 threw a hot roll that surpassed the barrier of sound Thursday night. Customers eating their hog jowl, fried okra and liver were alarmed by the sound of a doughy ball of carbohydrates exploding past the sound barrier throughout the […]
Jefferson Avenue Footbridge Not Actually Shaped like a Foot
Springfield, MO – For years the name of “The Jefferson Avenue Footbridge” has been a source of classroom debates, heated dinner conversation and late-night radio station call-ins. FCN has attempted to bridge the gap between the name of the bridge and the reason for the name of the bridge. Many have speculated the bridge was […]
AT&T’s Customers To Pay Legal Fines, Fees
Springfield, MO—According to AT&T procedures, the excessivie fines incurred by the loss of $7.45 million to the City of Springfield for back taxes and attoryney’s fees will be paid for by customer fee hikes. “Alexander Grahm Bell always said we should tax our customers whenever we fail to live up to our business obligations,” said […]
Officials Claim Heer’s Building “Too Big To Fail”
Springfield, MO – In what might be viewed as a controversial move by local citizens, Springfield City Council has determined that the Heer‘s building is “too big to fail” and plans to inject cash into the project immediately and for the foreseeable future. “What many so-called “common people” don’t seem to get is just how […]
City Dyes South Avenue Green
Springfield, MO—City officials announced they plan to dye South Avenue kelly green in observance of St. Patrick’s Day. Citing the lack of a central river bisecting the city, the government has decided to go with the next best option: a prominent downtown street. Mayor Jim O’Neal said, “Given my last name has an ‘O’ and […]
McGregor Students Find Where The Sidewalk Ends
Springfield, MO—Local students found that there is a place where the sidewalk ends, before the street begins and near where the grass grows soft and white, where a huge truck must have traversed the walk where they were consumed in plain sight. One McGregor student victim said, “Let us leave this place where the concrete […]
KY3 Weather Watchers Training Seminar Spawns Brawl
Springfield, MO—What began as a friendly gathering of KY3 Storm Team Weather Watchers apparently turned rancorous and physical during a recent monthly training exercise. According to on-lookers, Chief KY3 Storm Teamer Ron Hearst was concluding a particularly complicated presentation on the proper way to launch a weather balloon when “all hell broke loose” between rookie […]
Obama Beer Summit for O’Neal, Hornaday
Springfield, MO— In an attempt to calm city tensions, President Obama has invited Mayor Jim O’Neal and retiree Jim Hornaday to a beer summit held at the Springfield Brewing Company. A local debate on city spending occurred after O’Neal and Hornaday exchanged heated emails. Hornady inquired how “our new Mayor would…steam out the wrinkles” in […]
