All Entries in the "News" Category
Ravenwood South Secedes From City, State, Union
Springfield, MO—On Monday, the Ravenwood South neighborhood association voted to secede from the City Of Springfield, the state of Missouri and the Union in a 7-1 vote. The association claimed that mounting city, national and state government debts are burdening the neighborhood, and “our homeowners deserve a chance to try to govern ourselves.” Ravenwood South […]
Expedia Announces 500 Singing Jobs
Springfield, MO—In a news conference held last week, Expedia Inc. announced it will expand its digital voice in Springfield by adding approximately 500 singing jobs. The company is looking to hire people to sing “dot com” in teams of two or more for every page visit to Expedia.com. “The online travel marketplace is flooded with […]
The Heat Is Off
Springfield MO—Relief from the 100-plus degree days of summer will soon be on the way to the people of Springfield. “We didn’t know what to tell people on how to cool down,” said Bill Bosco senior spokesman for the Springfield Health Department. “While driving around doing our health inspections we noticed that people in Southern […]
Criminals Target Teens with Grandparent Scam
Springfield, MO—According to sources, scammers posing as elderly people are calling teens asking them to “bring ‘em their slippers”, “rub grandpa’s feet” and asking for permission to “pinch those cuuuuuuute cheeks” among other things such as money, medicine and fresh baked goods. The ring of criminal activity targets teens asking them for favors. The callers […]
Cup Thesis In Bridge’s Wire Fence
Springfield, MO – A local Missouri State University graduate student has been trying to complete his Master’s thesis for years now, and the end is not in sight. Dean Crayley has been a student at MSU for 20 years, 16 of which have been spent in pursuit of his graduate thesis. “I have the whole […]
Dragon Attacks Chesterfield Village
Springfield, MO—Chesterfield Village was burnt asunder yesterday when a fire-breathing dragon attacked the peaceful hamlet. The village, resting on the banks of the River of James, contains numerous shops and pubs that were mostly destroyed. The attack was mid-morning while most serfs and peasants where starting their day. Frendrel Axsword, a paladin champion that protects […]
Billy Long Gets Well Fed, Fed Up
Springfield, MO—Missouri’s 7th Congressional District hopeful Billy Long ate another meal and possibly made new political friends at the same time. According to Billy it went like this. “I was on a doughnut run for my staff when I came upon this group called the Well Fed Neighborhood Alliance. I thought it was an offshoot of […]
Lady Gaga To Headline Annual I Love America Celebration
Springfield, MO – James River Assembly stunned local church watchers today announcing Lady Gaga as the headliner for next years’ I Love America annual celebration. A volunteer spokesperson for the Super-Center sized church said, “Lady Gaga was snatched from the jaws of drug addition by her dearly beloved dead Aunt Joanne and she has a […]
Fugitive Escapes, Trims Hedges
Branson, MO—Oscar Eugene Richardson, known in the Ozarks as Eugene Ward, was sentenced Monday to 366 days in jail stemming from his 1979 Florida prison escape. On Tuesday, he promptly escaped by walking away from the Taney County jail. Norman Hankey, a jailer, said, “I don’t know how he does it. First in Florida; now […]
Citizens On Patrol: Purse Snatching
Springfield, MO—Incoming Police Chief Paul Williams is impressed that Springfield citizens are responding to his call of a “shared leadership concept”. Recently, a purse snatching episode turning into an arrest due to the heroic actions of a good Samaritan and an alert victim. Williams plans to reinforce his citizens on patrol effort by bringing in […]
Local Men Claim “Worlds Best Dad” Title
Springfield, Mo- Adding to an already intense holiday weekend, there appears to be a close contest for the title of “Best Dad”. Three local Ozarks men appear to be in a heated head-to-head battle for the coveted title. Each was awarded the title when they received as gifts from their children a mug/t-shirt combo with […]
Weatherman Steals Sportscaster’s Thunder
Springfield, MO—Amid threats of severe weather in the Ozarks, one local sportscaster once again lost airtime to boring weather updates. A stupid severe thunderstorm watch drained a local sportscaster of precious minutes to cover life changing events such as an almost perfect baseball game, the retirement of an aging baseball player and an update on […]
XXL Shirtle Wreck
Webster County, MO—After overturning, a t-shirt toting tractor-trailer spilled its load on Interstate 44 blocking the westbound lanes with garments imprinted with witty phrases emblazoned in a variety of interesting and hard-to-read fonts. The Missouri Department of Transportation reported finding thousands of shirts with messages proclaiming, “That’s What She Said”, “What Wouldn’t Jesus Do?” and […]
Stone County Tornado Caller
Abesville, MO—Emergency management executives in Stone County will soon hire a Tornado Caller once the aging, expensive-to-maintain tornado/storm sirens are removed June 1st. The county says the existing sirens are too expensive to maintain and “having Ol’ Lou make the rounds in his pick ‘em up truck a hollerin’ a folks” will be much more […]
Rogue Trees Get Payback
Springfield, MO—During the month of April, local trees claimed to pay back Springfieldians with potential lifetime benefits, however, several trees on the Drury campus had another message for locals. “This tree hasn’t done anything for us lately” and “This tree was kind of a dick to us in high school” messaging was found hanging on […]