All Entries in the "News" Category
1950’s Ad Executives, Private Investigators, and Hollywood Starlets All Decry Smoking Ban
Springfield, MO- According to numerous sources, many 1950’s Ad Executives, Private Investigators, and Hollywood Starlets decried the smoking ban that passed in Springfield on April 5th. The ban, starting June 5, will restrict smoking in all public buildings such as restaurants, clubs, or bars. “I can’t believe this“, states Grant Rogers as he nervously […]
Naked Billboard Arouses Bachelor’s Interest
Springfield, MO – In the school’s latest effort to drive undergraduate enrollment, Ozarks Technical College launched a new outdoor ad campaign that’s exposing Springfield to the desirability of higher education. Featuring a female co-ed whose lady bumps are obscured only by the thin shield of her laptop, the billboards have been turning heads and dropping […]
Hammons Found Frozen in Carbonite
Springfield, MO—Community leaders are happy to announce that they have located John Q Hammons frozen in a block of carbonite. Previously, Hammons was feared to be imprisoned in involuntary seclusion at a Springfield nursing home by the current CEO of his company. “Fortunately, we found him in carbonite down by the Jordan River,” said a […]
Hammons Held at Top of Hammons’ Tower?
Springfield, MO—The disappearance of local businessman John Q Hammons has prompted Springfield to search him out. One Missouri State University source stated, “We need something else to name after him, but with that comes money. He’s got it, we don’t. We need to find him to get a check signed ASAP”. MSU has reportedly […]
Half-Man, Half-Segway Patrols Battlefield Mall
Springfield, MO- The Battlefield Mall has a new unsung protector to keep the shopping center free from crime. Officer Max Thurgood, otherwise known as Sego-Cop, can be seen wheeling in justice at a relaxed-to-somewhat-moderate pace. The two-wheeled avenger has stopped numerous crimes such as loitering, littering, and looking like you are up-to-no-good. ‘It started when […]
Earthquake Evidence Reveals Fable As Fact
Guy, AR – Last nights late evening earthquake rattled may Ozark residents. The USGS reported this was on the magnitude of a 4.7 earthquake. Reports of how far north into Missouri that shock could be felt are sketchy as many Ozarkers may be making up false reports because they don’t want to be left out […]
Local Crack Dealers Unnerved By Prostitution Ring Bust
Springfield, MO – With the recent big bust of a local prostitution ring at the much-heralded eyesore Landmark Building, some local crack dealers took the opportunity to chime in on the situation. “I tell you what, it’s a damn shame, the way this neighborhood has gone to the dogs,” said a dealer who goes only […]
Blind To Get Driver Licenses
Jefferson City MO – In a legal loophole brought about the Missouri Transportation Committee to require English only testing to obtain a Missouri drivers license, legally blind people will soon be able to get a license as well. It appears that the committee’s efforts to push through the English speaking only bill has opened the […]
Husbands Realize Valentine’s Day Was Yesterday
Springfield, MO- A collective groan was heard all over Springfield yesterday when hundreds of Ozark area husbands realized that they forgot Valentine’s day. Although the February 14th holidays falls on the same date every year (February 14th) many husbands were befuddled by the fact it was a Monday. “I knew something was up when she […]
Springfield Again Warm After Slaying White Witch
Springfield, MO- Frigid temperatures and constant snowfall are no longer a problem thanks to Springfield citizens slaying the White Witch. The White Witch, who resides in her dark castle at 1366 Cedar Way, has been plaguing the Ozarks with blizzards, icy temperatures, and horrible road conditions since late January. No one knows the source of […]
79 Spartans Vote to Victory!
Sparta, MO—Spartan voters approved issuing $2.5 million in bonds for improvements to the water and sewer system in Sparta this past week. The new water and sewer system will include a bottomless pit for sewer waste that shall remain uncovered and reside within the center of the city. Only scantily clad Spartan warriors will stand […]
Local Newspaper Reader Makes Intelligent, Constructive Point
Springfield, MO – It was just a normal Tuesday for Steven Jones, a business owner and reader of newspapers from Ozark, Mo. But then a newspaper story about school budgets caught his eye, and he decided to post a comment online. This is when Jones’ life changed forever. “This is the sort of scenario we […]
Springfield Stocks Up
Springfield MO.- With bad weather arriving and more on the way the citizens of Springfield do not want to be caught “out in the cold.” Grocery stores have reported that people have been coming in and buying the basics to get them through the hard times. “Our sales almost triple when bad weather is predicted.”, […]
Snow-Fearing Ozarkians Lose Their Effin’ Minds
Springfield, MO—Mass hysteria has blanketed the Ozarks pending a predicted snowfall that is estimated to be the largest accumulation since 1912, essentially Ozarkians have lost their effin’ minds. “I went to the store as soon as I done heard there was gonna be a Snownado come up and take us all to the icy hell,” […]
It Burns When You Learn at UTI
Springfield, MO—Universal Technical Institute, a system of technical schools specializing in automotive repairs, was recently surprised to learn that its abbreviation also refers to urinary tract infections. Officials at UTI were confused by a sudden rash of questions after airing television commercials for the school here in the Ozarks. “We were curious why people were calling […]
