All Entries in the "News" Category
New Motto for Greene County?
Springfield MO- The phrase “In God We Trust” may or may not become the official motto for Greene County. Commissioner Jim Byrock said that the county was prepared to have the phrase plastered around every empty space in all county buildings, when someone pointed out that in might be unconstitutional. “Our committee found that […]
Sweltering Heat Places Ozarks in Slow Motion
Springfield, MO—Extreme temperatures have forced everyday folk to live their lives in an altered state of reality: slow motion. The burdening heat has forced Springfield residents’ movements to lag, speech to slur and general motion to be delayed. Said one local man, Nate Gringer, “Muhh llliiiifffeeee iiiiissss sssssooooo ssssssllllooooowwww” as his mouth struggled to […]
Obama’s Unicorns to Clean Joplin
Joplin, MO—President Obama visited the tornado-ravaged, Jasper County town this week to offer handshakes, hugs and federal assistance in the form of his magical herd of unicorns. As the President spoke to a crowd of a few hundred people whimsical fairies flew from his coattails and spread pixie dust over those gathered. As the […]
KY3 Changes Format to Cover KY News
Springfield, MO—After serving the Ozark Plateau area of Southwestern Missouri for over 50 years, local television station KY3 recently realized that the “KY” indicated that they should be reporting on news related to the state of Kentucky, not Southwest Missouri. Said the station general manager, “We were embarrassed and a lot surprised when one of […]
Assessors Office to Accept Different Forms of Payment
Springfield MO – With the public outrage over the increase of personal property taxes, the Greene County Assessors office has come up with a plan to help people make the payments. Assessor Ric Kissington announced that the county will take as payment either gold or ground beef. “Seeing how property goes up and down […]
National Bubba Day Sparks Riot at Walmart
Springfield Mo- As we all know June 2nd is the national celebration of Bubba day. Beet Farmers, Cattle Handlers, and other Bumpkins take the day off to remember loved ones and embrace the traditional family name that started right here in the Ozarks. The holiday started in 1862 by co-founders Bubba Jenkins and Bubba […]
Graduation Recessional Will Lead Directly to Unemployment Line
Springfield, MO- To save time, money and hope, all college and high school graduations will end with the graduates walking directly into the unemployment line. With the recession still looming over many industries, Missouri colleges and high schools thought it best to “cut out the middle man” and send the graduates directly to government […]
Center of Universe Located In Missouri
Plato, MO—The center of population for the United States has been in Missouri since 1980, however, according to current U.S. census data Plato, MO is now the center of the Universe. Plato’s location is 23.4 miles west of Edgar Springs, and is responsible for reflecting growth of the Galactic population in the Universe. This […]
Federal Government Allots Missouri Farm Land for “Sea Monkey Reserve”
Cape Girardeau, MO- The federal government allotted 130,000 acres of Missouri farm land to be transformed to a sea monkey reserve. This week, the Army Corps of Engineers blew a hole in the nearby levee, flooding thousands of acres of useless farmland to make a perfect habitat for oceanus monkius (commonly known as the […]
High School Sweethearts Break Up in College
Springfield, MO – The Facebook relationship statuses of Evan Black and Emily Taylor confirmed today that the two high school sweethearts had broken up. The couple had been together for two years in high school and originally planned on getting married after college, but only managed to last as long as three semesters. Experts […]
Corsages, Hair Spray, and Gun Polish Sales Are At An All Time High Due to Prom Season
Springfield, MO- The Springfield economy has gotten a boost thanks to prom season. Corsages, hair spray, and gun polish sales are at a record high thanks to the teenage rite of passage. Punch, tuxedoes, limousines, and mace are also in high demand. “It makes me so sad my little girl is growing up,” states […]
Nixa Hellhound Releases Birth Certificate
Nixa, MO—After years of speculation and conspiracy, Paul the Nixa Hellhound, released his original long-form birth certificate yesterday in an attempt to prove that he exists. No known persons had asked for the paperwork, yet it appeared online early in the day. “Paul wants the record to be set straight regarding his existence. He […]
Springfield Survives 42-Minute Drought
Springfield, MO—The clouds finally opened with their life bringing rain, thus ending the torturous 42 minute drought plaguing the Springfield area. The drought occurred from 3:18 to 4:00, marking the longest time Springfield has not seen rain in weeks. “I didn’t think we were going to make it,” said Charles Flagstaff, a Springfield resident. After […]
Naked Man Taunts Gods of Rain, Flood Waters
Springfield, MO—As thoughtless rains flooded the Ozarks on Monday one man, Charles Naysmith climbed to the top of his roof held onto his ancient TV antennae and shouted, “You call this a storm?!” as a last ditch effort to mock the gods of flooding and constant rain. Naysmith was called away from work to […]
Tornado Warning Issued Until October
Springfield, MO—Local meteorologist have issued a tornado warning to last the entire spring and summer of 2011: experts expect the alert to expire sometime in early October. “The Ozarks are blessed with fantastic weather, we just have a small patch of time -7 months – when God’s finger can destroy your home, belongings and […]
