All Entries in the "Education" Category
Republic Schools Ban Writing Instruments
Republic Mo.- Effective immediately if students in the Republic school system want to jot something down on a piece of paper, they will have to transfer to a school outside the area to do it. School officials have banned the use of pencils,pens and felt tip markers. Spokesman Nick Nosebottom, said in a press […]
College Students Inconvenienced By Classes
Springfield, MO- With college classes starting this week, many college students dread the fast pace rat race of academia. Many of the students, being out school since May, know they will have trouble getting back to the flow of lectures, labs, and extracurricular activities. “I can’t believe we have to go back already,” states […]
Bullies Look Forward To Start of School Year
Springfield, MO- Numerous bullies around the Springfield area are very excited to start the new school year. During the summer the bullies have had to make do with harassing neighborhood kids, small animals, siblings, weak step-parents, and cabbage patch dolls. But, now with school starting the bullies can really hone their craft and perfect […]
Republic Schools Ban “Ungodly” Phone Books
Republic, MO – By a decisive vote of 4-0 the Republic school board decided to ban all phone books from their schools due to the “offensive and ungodly” contents found within. The decision came as a complete shock to all sane people but seemed perfectly acceptable to those who supported the board’s recent decision […]
Banned Book Becomes Top-Seller in Republic
REPUBLIC (MO) – Two books, “Slaughterhouse Five” by Kurt Vonnegut and “Twenty Boy Summer” by Sarah Ockler, have been banned from Republic High School’s curriculum and library. This decision was inspired by complaints from Missouri State University associate professor of management, Les Scoggins, who claims that the books contain material too shocking for […]
“BBC” and “CBC” Combine Into New “CBCBCB”
Springfield, MO – In a move to become more efficient, the Board of Governors for Baptist Bible College (BBC) and Central Bible College (CBC) voted unanimously to consolidate resources by merging into the larger CBCBCB. This act will save the two institutions millions in printing costs by reducing the 38 characters in both names down […]
Graduation Recessional Will Lead Directly to Unemployment Line
Springfield, MO- To save time, money and hope, all college and high school graduations will end with the graduates walking directly into the unemployment line. With the recession still looming over many industries, Missouri colleges and high schools thought it best to “cut out the middle man” and send the graduates directly to government […]
High School Sweethearts Break Up in College
Springfield, MO – The Facebook relationship statuses of Evan Black and Emily Taylor confirmed today that the two high school sweethearts had broken up. The couple had been together for two years in high school and originally planned on getting married after college, but only managed to last as long as three semesters. Experts […]
Corsages, Hair Spray, and Gun Polish Sales Are At An All Time High Due to Prom Season
Springfield, MO- The Springfield economy has gotten a boost thanks to prom season. Corsages, hair spray, and gun polish sales are at a record high thanks to the teenage rite of passage. Punch, tuxedoes, limousines, and mace are also in high demand. “It makes me so sad my little girl is growing up,” states […]
Naked Billboard Arouses Bachelor’s Interest
Springfield, MO – In the school’s latest effort to drive undergraduate enrollment, Ozarks Technical College launched a new outdoor ad campaign that’s exposing Springfield to the desirability of higher education. Featuring a female co-ed whose lady bumps are obscured only by the thin shield of her laptop, the billboards have been turning heads and dropping […]
Husbands Realize Valentine’s Day Was Yesterday
Springfield, MO- A collective groan was heard all over Springfield yesterday when hundreds of Ozark area husbands realized that they forgot Valentine’s day. Although the February 14th holidays falls on the same date every year (February 14th) many husbands were befuddled by the fact it was a Monday. “I knew something was up when she […]
It Burns When You Learn at UTI
Springfield, MO—Universal Technical Institute, a system of technical schools specializing in automotive repairs, was recently surprised to learn that its abbreviation also refers to urinary tract infections. Officials at UTI were confused by a sudden rash of questions after airing television commercials for the school here in the Ozarks. “We were curious why people were calling […]
Student Misses School Closing Screen Crawl
Springfield, MO—Jude Kimmers, a sophomore at Hillcrest High School totally missed the “s” section of the school closing screen crawl on the local news this morning. According to his sister, Jamie, Kimmers had been watching the morning news in hopes that Springfield Public Schools would close due to icy road conditions. “Jude was glued to […]
Ready For Change: Vending Machine Degrees
Springfield, MO – To help President Obama increase the number of college-educated Americans, Bryan College will offer associate degrees via vending machine in the Spring 2011 semester. This is a bold but inevitable change, according to Bryan College administrator Haf Hiddin, who has reworked the BC education system to be less teacher-driven and more student-friendly. […]
Cofer’s Address Focuses on Bow Tie Usage
Springfield, MO— In his first State of the University address, the new president of Missouri State University didn’t just try to motivate, he stressed the importance of the bowtie. James Cofer outlined many challenges, most notably, the adoption of an oft-overlooked men’s accessory. “The bowtie has served me well over the years, and I feel […]
