All Entries in the "Education" Category
High School Students Looking Forward To End of the Year Major Revelations/Complete Closure
Springfield, MO- High school students all over Springfield are looking forward to the end of school not only because of summer break being right around the corner, but the end of the year revelations and total closure each school year brings. “It is just like all the movies,” said high school junior Alex Randish. “All […]
Math Event Attended by “Lots” and “Many” Students
Springfield, MO – More than a lot of high school students participated in the math skills test hosted by Missouri State University this week. Too many to count put their calculating on display by participating in a little more than a dozen individual and team events. “I’d say many, many students participated. It was really […]
MSU To Springfield: Hey, We Do Stuff Too
Springfield, MO- Even though the Drury Panthers wowed the Ozarks with their nail biting victory over Metro State, Missouri State University is proclaiming to Springfield: “Hey, we did stuff on Sunday, too.” “Oh, so they run some championship, big deal,” says sophomore Larry Harshman. “I just played like 30 matches on Halo 3, but you […]
Springfield Public Schools Buys Fleet of “Imperial Walkers” To Combat Snow Days
Springfield, MO- Due to a stubborn winter that refuses to relent, Springfield Public Schools bought a fleet of “Imperial Walkers” (also known as AT-AT’s) to make sure snow days are no longer an issue. “We will no longer be a slave to old man winter,” said Superintendent Norm Vader while wearing a black cloak that […]
Melting Snowmen Teach Children Inevitability of Death
Springfield, MO- With the melting of last week’s snow, many Springfield children are learning about the changing of the seasons, the water cycle, and the inevitability of death. Area snowmen, who were lovingly crafted by children of all ages, slowly wasted away in a powerful metaphor of morality. “Yes kids, watch as the snowman slowly […]
Man Forgets To Vote, Blames Lack of Awareness
Springfield MO – On Tuesday November 4th at 8:00 p.m. Fred Kitebiter was at his favorite tavern having a few drinks and getting ready to watch his favorite hockey team the St.Louis Blues take the ice. Instead the only thing that was on TV was election results. When told that the election returns would probably […]
4th Graders Hijack School Bus to Escape School
Springfield, MO- 4th graders from Hilldale Elementary staged a daring coup yesterday when they took over a school bus to escape from the horrors of school. The 4th graders, armed with sling-shots and water pistols filled with cat urine held bus driver Hector Barnslow hostage and demanded a new destination. “It was awful,” Hector tells […]
Parents Rejoice After Dropping School Kids Off
Springfield, MO – The first day of school signals the beginning of individual freedoms for thousands of Ozarks parents across the city. August 15 brings absolute independence from 9-3 Monday – Friday and many parents are eager to taste the sweet liberty that secondary education offers. “F’ yeah – let’s all go to White Water, […]
Lebanon School District Administrators Placed in Trailers
Lebanon, MO – Parents of special education students were pleased to learn that Lebanon School District administrators were recently placed in an un-air-conditioned trailer behind the school’s campus until they can come up with a plan to properly integrate their children and reverse the segregating their loved ones have been exposed to from the rest […]
Teachers Prepare for Summer Hibernation
Springfield, MO- With the school year rapidly ending, teachers from across the Ozarks are getting ready for their yearly 3 month hibernation. As most teacherologist and general populace know, teachers have no life other than school so when summer vacation comes around they are no longer needed until the next school year. During this time […]
Prom King Refuses To Give Up Crown
Springfield, MO- Hilldale High School is on the verge of political unrest and social upheaval with Rex Kingston, last year’s prom king, refusing to give up the crown to one of the 4 court candidates. With the King of Prom succession being a yearly rite, the act of refusing to yield the crown means trouble […]
Teachers Evil Masterminds Behind Senior Pranks
Springfield, MO – High school students have one month left until they can no longer blame their laziness on a little thing they like to call ‘Senioritis.’ Instead of studying for final exams, they are highly prone to elaborate on all of the knowledge that was given to them by their teachers throughout the past […]
Sunday School Teacher Sentenced to Life in Hell
Mountain Grove, MO – Douglas County douchebag Brent “Pete” Turley was sentenced to life in Hell by Jesus the Son of Man for his explicit acts upon minors. According to angels, Turley will be required to live eternity in Hell lifting engine blocks tied to his reproductive organ. An especially heinous crime requires an equally […]
MSU Students Vow To Hunt and Kill Kony for Spring Break
Springfield, MO – With MSU’s Spring Break around the corner, many students are looking forward to relaxation, cutting lose, and visiting love ones. But, some students have a more productive way to spend their vacation: hunting and killing Ugandan warlords. “I was so moved by the Kony 2012 video that I knew I […]
DRURY BUYS MSU’S EXCESS WATER
Springfield MO.- Drury University announced today that it will purchase water from Missouri State University for 30 years at a price of 12 million dollars per year. Apparently MSU can afford to sell off its excess water since filtered water stations have sprung up all over campus. Water researchers have indicated that more of […]
